


Balance in the Force

by CeCeDot, s0ph_3



Category: Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Added some lore of my own, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Canon-Typical Violence, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, Eventual Fluff, Eventual Romance, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Follows the course of the 3 movies, Force Bond (Star Wars), Force-Sensitive Reader, Kylo Ren Has Issues, Kylo Ren Needs a Hug, Kylo Ren Redemption, Kylo Ren Wants a Friend, Kylo Ren is kinda nice?, OP force users, Rey doesn't use the force, Short Chapters, Slow Burn, although it has differences, depends on the mood, it might be a mess to read, probably some non-canon stuff, sometimes long chapters
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-08
Updated: 2020-11-29
Packaged: 2021-03-01 18:27:44
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 76
Words: 80,011
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23551558
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CeCeDot/pseuds/CeCeDot, https://archiveofourown.org/users/s0ph_3/pseuds/s0ph_3
Summary: Being forced to train under Kylo Ren is a menace. Or is it? The closer you get to him, the more you see something else beneath the surface of his mask. There is more to him, you just need to figure him out. And with anything in life, there will be obstacles in the way.What will happen once you find out?
Relationships: Ben Solo | Kylo Ren/Reader, Ben Solo/Reader, Kylo Ren/Reader, Kylo Ren/You
Comments: 135
Kudos: 196





	1. Caught

**Author's Note:**

> I was pushed by a friend to write down my daydream about this universe to keep myself distracted from my depressed ass. Please keep in mind: chapter length might vary, I'm not a good writer, it might be all over the place, updates will be very infrequent, I might change some stuff especially in the first chapters, long ass fic. I hope some of you will enjoy this regardless! Thank you for reading.  
> Writer: CeCeDot  
> Editor/BetaReader: s0ph_3

_Oh no... No no no no no!_

_Why did I ever think I could take out an infamous Knight of Ren??_

_Did I overestimate my abilities? Probably._

_Should I have quit when I saw them walking around the forest all by themselves? Definitely!_ _But of course, I didn't because my ego has inflated after the numerous stormtrooper kills._

You are currently being forced down on your knees by two stormtroopers while Kylo Ren stares down at you. The ice on the ground is making you shiver, even with your specialized armor. While you are struggling to get out of the 'trooper's grip you don't notice Ren crouching down in front of you.

Suddenly he touches your face. Startled by his unwanted touch, you focus your attention on his dark mask. Fear consumes your body as you try to anticipate his next move. He meticulously drags your mouth mask down from your cheeks. After a few seconds of silence, he speaks.

"So you are the famous Ghost? I expected you to be older." He says in an unimpressed voice.

_Ouch._

You scoff at him. "I may be young, but I still killed over seventy of your precious stormtroopers." A grin forms on your face, satisfied with your jab back.

His mood seems to change slightly, as his hand form into a fist. Despite its quick emergence, it reverts just as fast to a relaxed state composing himself. "How did you get the lightsaber? You obviously know how to use it. Your technique, however, proves you are no Force-user." He says in a condescending tone, dangling your treasure in front of your nose.

You give him an angry glare. The action seems to amuse him. "I'm not telling you anything!" You shout fiercely, perhaps a bit bold considering your circumstances. 

He hums at your response and stands back up, unfazed by your defiance. His attention shifts from you to the stormtroopers restraining your arms. He barks his next orders at them. "Take her to the ship. I will interrogate her once we are back on base." 

You are slowly dragged up and brought onto your feet, his visor remaining on you. He waves his hand in front of your face. Darkness spreads. You feel your conscience fade away into slumber. 


	2. Interrogation

It's eerily silent and dark. You feel a buzzing inside your head that won't go away. As you open your eyes, you attempt to move but are quickly recoiled into your previous position. Something is bound to your wrists and feet. You desperately try to wring yourself out of the restraints. You give up after noticing the rapidly developing bruises around your wrists and ankles. You look around to take note of your surroundings. It looked like you were in their base. That explains the buzz in your head. You turn your head to try and look behind you, and you catch a glimpse of a stormtrooper sitting in the corner. They're asleep.

_How long have I been out? Am I on a First Order ship?_

Everything that happened before you passed out starts to come back to you. Kylo Ren has taken you as his prisoner.

_Why didn't he kill me?_

You figured your questions are going to be answered soon. The stormtrooper behind you scrambles to get up and runs towards the exit of the room.

You sigh. "Great... Now mister grump is going to come to interrogate me." A scowl was still apparent on your face. You resume your previous attempts to break free instead of waiting for Ren. Again and again, you try to break the restraints. Suddenly you hear the door open. Once again fear consumes your body. Your heart rate quickens while your breaths shorten. There he is, the Jedi killer himself, Kylo Ren. The air that surrounds him makes you shiver.

_How are you ever leaving this room alive?_

"Why did you bring me here?" You ask him in a hushed voice. 

"The First Order has reasons to believe you might be associated with the resistance. However, I'm interested in the fact that you possess a lightsaber when you aren't capable enough to be a Jedi or a Sith. Care to explain that to me?" He answers you in a mocking tone.

His comment makes you angry again. He thinks you aren't worthy of your most treasured object. You've had it in your possession for as long as you could remember. You didn't keep it with you simply because of its value, but rather as a tool of protection. The lightsaber grants you security. You felt safe and serene wielding your lightsaber.

You used to never use it against another being. You swore to protect not kill. That was until the First Order invaded your home planet. Your first kill was a stormtrooper who got lost in the forest. They were wicked. They deserved to be punished for their crimes committed against your home planet.

You grit your teeth, your anger displaying clearly. "I won't answer your questions, Ren." You taunt back.

A small chuckle comes from his helmet, the modulation making it sound menacing. "I have ways to make you talk...But if your defiance continues I will forcefully pry it from your mind. Your decision."

He raises his hand and an unfamiliar pressure is building up inside your head. The pain becomes unbearable. Suddenly, out of your control, images start to flash before your eyes. He is watching your memories. And there is nothing you can do to stop him from looking.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter is about... you guessed it, your past.


	3. Pains of the past

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> TW: traumatic childbirth

It was raining when you were brought into this world. Midwives desperately tried their hardest to keep you alive. Your mother had already succumbed to heavy blood loss. Hours passed, you pulled through. You were going to live. Yet, you were alone in this world. No mother. No father. No family. Nobody. Just an orphan. 

You were thrown from orphanage to orphanage. You never found a home. Families couldn't afford to support another child when they could barely support their own. You were a burden.

Eventually, you were placed in the only orphanage that would take you in. Their intention was never to integrate you into a new family, rather sell you for a profit. But you heavily resisted. Every time a buyer came for you, you would be on your worst behavior. Your appeal as a slave slowly dwindled, and after a while, the orphanage saw you as not worth the effort.

You were just a child when you became homeless.

Making sure you didn't starve was difficult. As time went on, you got more experience in scavenging and thievery. Odd jobs helped. Even when your employers were kriffing assholes.

Your 'home' was a cave near a beautiful forest that you liked to explore. Jumping from branch to branch was your favorite pass time. You felt free of your problems. A beautiful escape.

A shimmer on the ground caught your attention during your daily escapades. You anticipated it being a lost pearl or jewel. Perfect to sell. What you didn't expect was an unusual piece of metal. It appeared to be a handle of some sort. You picked it up and started examining it, hoping to find something worth selling. Your eyes found a switch. Curiosity became the best of you, as you flicked on the switch. A white, hot light appeared out of the handle. You couldn't believe your eyes.

_Was this a lightsaber? The ones wielded by Jedi?_

You carefully swung the weapon and a smile appeared on your lips. The first thought that crossed your mind was that you could finally take revenge on those that wronged you throughout your whole life. As quickly as the dark thought appeared, you felt repulsed by it. They made your life miserable, but did that mean they deserved death. You switched off the saber and secured it on your belt. It always remained by your side.

You couldn't help but imagine yourself as a Jedi. Respected and loved by all. A hero of the galaxy. Any time you were enjoying your free time in the woods you would play with your saber. Handling the blade became easier and injuries lessened. You felt powerful every time you trained with it. Holding it in your hand made life easier to endure.

As you got older, you became more in control of your life. Life was peaceful. Everyone was aware of the ongoing war, but it was never your concern.

Until the First Order became interested in your planet.

They found its position in the outer rim of strategical importance. But the leaders of your planet supported the Resistance. So instead of coming in peace, they came to conquer.

Stories of their brutality in the capitol traveled fast in your village. Everyone saw them as monsters, even you. In your eyes, the First Order could care less about innocent lives. Especially the rabid dog they had on a leash, their Commander Kylo Ren.

Stories about him frightened you the most.

You were walking through the forest after working an odd job, the rustling of leaves startled you. You hid behind a tree and scanned for its origin. It took you a while to spot the stormtrooper. You held your breath. You brought up your scarf so they wouldn't be able to see your face. And then an idea crossed your mind.

_I can finally be a hero._

Your heart started pounding faster while your hand slowly inched towards your treasure.

This opportunity was once in a lifetime for you. It's what you always dreamed of. The First Order were slaughtering innocents. All of them were murderers. 

In a trance, you slowly stalked closer towards the trooper. Your light clothing blending into your environment. You knew how to approach them without making a sound. Everything around seemed to fade away. The only thing you saw was the stormtrooper. When you were within attacking distance, you switched on your lightsaber while you raised it above your head. They must have heard it because they dodged your blow as soon as you tried to attack them.

Frantically, they raised their blaster. "Who are you?? Are you with the Resistance? Answer me!" The trooper asked, fear noticeable in his voice.

You didn't answer. Your mind was focused. You wanted to kill a stormtrooper.

They fired their blaster and you scrambled aside. You have never fought against someone, so dodging was difficult.

You saw an opening to strike and you took it without hesitation. You stabbed them in the neck before they could counter you. Gurgling sounds left their helmet as they slowly fell to the snowy ground. Their blood oozing into the snow. You were frozen in fear as reality set upon you.

_You had killed a trooper. You killed a person._

You ran away from the scene. Tears were streaming down your face. When you reached your home, you broke down. Your actions were irreversible. There was no going back. Your life was changing, and you felt it.

The next day, everyone in the village spoke about what occurred in the forest. Some thought it was a counterattack from the Resistance. Others started to speculate it was some sort of ghost. Many villagers believed the forest to be haunted; part of the reason why you adored it so much. The haunting atmosphere made it beautiful. But to others, it was simply creepy and viewed as dangerous. 

Those ghost stories made you feel at ease. Nobody was suspecting you. The First Order would never trace it back to you. Confidence builds up inside of you. The anonymity of the title 'Ghost' appealed to you. Being a hero was still possible. You could still fight off the wicked First Order.

But first, you would need better gear. Behind an armory, you were able to scavenge some good metal platings to create your armor. After hours of working on it, you finally completed it. Some old drapes would become your hood, cape, and mask. Now you fit the part of a vengeful ghost.

More stormtroopers came every day, and you kept killing them. You started to become accustomed to fighting against others with your lightsaber. Each time you cleared another batch of them, your ego started to rise. The villagers spoke in awe of 'Ghost', which certainly didn't quell your confidence. You always cracked a smile when you heard the rumors about you. 

Your pride became your undoing. You became sloppy. The First Order became suspicious about the number of deaths in the forest.

It was inevitable they would investigate it.

So they send the best of the best within their ranks, Kylo Ren and his knights. They were to draw you out into a trap, and they succeeded.

For how could you resist the temptation of taking down the infamous Knights of Ren and their feared leader? 

* * *

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> https://imgur.com/a/10Xdbj4  
> Link with pictures how I imagine the armor and saber (Not a staff, it's a single one)


	4. Painful reminder

As your memories fade from your vision, you feel tears running down your cheeks. All the pain you felt in those moments comes rushing back to you like you are living through them once more.

Through your tears you see your surroundings appear again. Ren is lowering his hand.

"Of course you got it by chance. What else was I expecting?" You hear the disappointment in his modulated voice.

Once again you focus your attention on his mask. "You saw all of my memories?" You ask with a shaking voice.

"Yes," was his blunt response.

"Then you know I'm not Resistance, right?" Panic starts to rise in your voice. "Let me go...Please," you whimpered. 

You watch him carefully as he takes a step forward, his mask now mere inches apart from your face. You could almost see his eyes staring back at you. A shiver runs down your spine.

"Don't be a fool. You may not be Resistance, but you did murder multiple assets of the First Order. Punishment is inevitable." He hisses in response.

_That's it. I'm doomed. My death is imminent._

New tears begin to well up in your eyes.

_I don't want to die as a nobody! I want to be remembered!_

You close your eyes while you sob.

Ren remains quiet and simply observes you. "Why do you want to live so badly? You should have known your actions would have consequences." He takes your chin in his hand, making you look up at his mask. The gesture makes you open your eyes in shock.

"Is it because you are a nobody? A face that no one will remember. Is it because you're afraid of being forgotten?" A quiet sob releases from your mouth. "Answer me." His tone is soft, yet demanding.

Slowly you nod your head, words failing you. He knows everything about you, every want, every desire.

He releases your chin, clasping his hands behind his back. "I can give you what you want."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Why so charitable Kylo?????


	5. Join or perish

Stunned by his words your mouth falls open in confusion. "What?"

"The spot in history you so desperately desire, I can give it to you." He replies monotonously as if it's obvious.

So you did hear him correctly, but you couldn't understand why. You aren't a Force-user nor a good soldier.

Still confused and in doubt, you ask him. "Why? Why me? What makes me so damn special that you give me this opportunity??" 

"There is something about you. I can't quite place my finger on it..." He murmurs softly and tilts his head as if he were searching for the answer.

_Something about me? What does that mean?_

Nothing makes sense so far. Would he train you to become a stormtrooper? A footsoldier is the only thing that comes to mind that you could possibly be mediocre at.

As he hears your thoughts, he replies. "Your lightsaber skills are decent. Granted you don't have the physical enhancements of a Force-user nor the training with a master lightsaber wielder, but from what I've seen in your memories you have great flexibility. Proof being the way you easily maneuvered from branch to branch...Join me. I will mentor you and make you a valuable asset to the First Order. I will make you unforgettable." The determination in his last statement scares you, like he already knows you will accept his invitation. 

"Become an asset to the First Order?" You are furious. "Are you kidding me? Are you actually serious? Why would I possibly join a military dictatorship that slaughters thousands of innocents?! Have you lost your mind! I will never join the First Order and I sure as hell don't need your mentoring!" Your voice is laced with sarcasm that gradually evolved to full out yelling.

A dark aura spread inside the room, radiating from Ren. He viewed your actions as abhorrent. How dare a lowly street rat in chains yell at Kylo Ren?

Clenching his fist, he invades your personal space once again. Pointing his gloved finger at you, he spits venomously. "If you're not an asset, then you're a threat." He grabs your chin, forcing you to lock your eyes on his hollow mask. "Threats are always terminated. I will personally see to your execution, vermin."

His temper frightens you and so do his words. You know he is telling the truth. But you won't back down, not now. Trying to remain brave, you reply glaring at him. "You're all monsters, every single one of you."

He laughs. The modulated voice making it sound more disturbing. "We're monsters? Because we kill?" He scoffs at the notion. "Those 'innocents' you preach about attacked my troops, perhaps they were even Resistance. I wouldn't be surprised; their whole organization consists of murderers, thieves, and liars...So believe me when I say: no one is innocent."

_Is he really this oblivious?_

Memories of the brutal acts committed in the capitol rush back to you. How stormtroopers invaded the homes of hundreds and shooting those that refused to comply. Children were taken from their parents, never to be seen again. Cities became engrossed in flames. Bodies were strewn about. It made your blood boil.

"All the kids you enslaved, aren't they innocent? Ripped away from their childhoods and happiness. You think they wanted to become mindless soldiers?" You yelled directly at him.

A growl escapes from the mask. "That was not my choice, nor my call."

Seemingly, seething with anger, he steps back from you. The anger too overwhelming, he punches the wall with full force. You winced from the action, almost feeling the pain in your hand. He steadies his breath before turning back to you. "Face it, you will die as just another casualty of war...Or I can give you a reputable position next to me. Your name will be part of history."

You smirk at him, full of malice. "What about my moniker 'Ghost', huh? Or did you forget? I already have a legacy, I don't need you or the First Order to give me one." You say, content with your rebuttal.

His chuckle reverberates off the walls of the interrogation room. "You think a silly myth is going to be remembered? Perhaps for a few years. But your acts of rebellion against the First Order are finished. No more deaths. No more ghost stories. Soon they will forget all about 'Ghost' and they will never know it was you."

Deep inside you know he is right. Your resolution is slowly fading. Defeat is what you feel at this moment. You let your head hang low.

"You know I'm telling the truth." he extends his hand to you. "The choice is yours. Join me or die."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What will you do??????? It would be a short story if you just choose to die, right?


	6. The ultimate decision

This time, you have to give him a definite answer. Stalling him would not work any longer and there are no other options.

_Join or die..._

The only sound you can hear is the sound of Ren's breathing. It sounds calm and collected. For some odd reason, it soothes you. He seems to be patiently waiting for your answer.

_Am I going to do this? Going back on everything I stand for, everyone I saved? Just to be remembered?_

You already know your answer to that.

"Okay..." It comes out as a whisper. "You win."

He lets out a content huff. But you aren't finished just yet. "On one condition." You tell him while raising your head to face him.

The sound he makes after your request made you chuckle softly. Getting on his nerves is very easy. "You think you can make demands?" Anger rising in his voice.

Still, you won't back down. "I promise I'll behave. Just don't expect me to be buddy-buddy with anyone in the First Order. I will always resent what the First Order stands for. I will always hate you and the First Order." Determined with your request, you stare at Ren without a hint of fear.

You notice his shoulder shaking a bit as if he is holding himself back. "Are you sure about that? You are going to spend a lot of quality time with me and other associates to train you." He wants to taunt you, but it won't work. You give him a firm nod, to seal the deal.

A short 'hmm' sound comes from his helmet. Satisfied, you give him a sly smile.

His hand raises and you can feel your restraints opening. You may have been stuck in this chair for only a day or two, but it feels much longer. You rub the soreness on your wrists. They are a bit red and small bruises, nothing too severe. Good thing you didn't try to wring yourself out too much, or they could have been nasty wounds. You wonder how much freedom you'll have once you're Ren's apprentice.

_Maybe you might even find a way to escape._

Ren, reading your mind, sternly points towards you. "Don't even dare thinking about escaping." He hisses. "I will know before you even manage to think of a decent plan."

_Aye aye captain._

Beckoning you to follow him, he turns around and starts walking towards the exit. His strides are ridiculously long, you almost have to jog to keep up.

The walk was quiet for about five minutes until you hear his modulated voice speak to you again. "From now on you will address me as 'Commander Ren', during training you may use 'Master Ren' or just 'Master'."

_Ugh, now we need to use nicknames?_

While still walking, he turns his head slightly towards you. "Is there a problem? Or do you not know how to show respect to those of higher status?" He mocks your thought.

You clench your teeth. He is pissing you off with his mindreading. "No, not at all Commander Ren." You mutter in reply.

_I have to silence my mind._

The rest of your journey he doesn't address you anymore. You could finally concentrate on your surroundings. The hallways seem to be mostly populated with stormtroopers, every so often one with a weird patch on their shoulder. You could only assume it marks them as a bit more important than other basic 'troopers. You often pass by someone with a black uniform. They seem to fear Ren, so they don't look like much of a threat. They do shoot weird faces in your direction.

_Why are they so surprised? Have they never seen a girl before or something? Man, being at war must feel very lonely for some people._

His voice surprises you out of your thought. "They haven't seen anyone walk with me that isn't involved with the First Order. Rest assured, a more First Order appropriate armor will be made for you."

"Oh." You reply lazily.

Ren comes to a stop. You almost bump into him, avoiding him at the last second. He opens a door by placing his hand on the scanner. "Please identify the owner of the quarters" A female robotic voice speaks through the scanner.

He steps aside to give you some space. "Put your hand on the scanner. Doing so is going to confirm you as the owner."

You give him a confused look. "What? This is my room?" You ask hesitantly.

"Yes." He confirms.

You approach the device and put your hand on it as instructed. The screen flickers a light blue and soon turns to green. "Owner confirmed." Once you drop your hand, you immediately enter the room. White walls and black furniture is what you notice first, then a single bed, some shelves, and another door. Likely the refresher. On one of the shelves, you notice a holopad.

"Make yourself comfortable. If you wish to redecorate, you are allowed. Of course within the standard of the First Order. I'll send someone with a few training tunics since your armor has yet to be made. You can discard your current attire. To eat, you have to go to the cafeteria. The holopad should show you where to find it and at what times it serves food." He explains. "I will send you a message when and where I expect you for training." And with that, he leaves. You are all alone in your new quote-unquote prison.

A deep sigh you've been holding finally leaves your lungs, while you bring your hands to your tense shoulders. The situation is barely registering in your mind. You look over to the bed, it looks sorta comfortable.

"I could use some sleep." You murmur to yourself.

You lower yourself on the mattress and look for a cozy position. When you find it, you close your eyes.

_If only this was a nightmare..._


	7. My troubled new life

Stillness.

Heaviness. 

It's been long since you last had a dream. Yet there wasn't anything. Floating in nothingness. It was peaceful. 

Then a light. It had no colors. Yet also every color in existence. You wanted to touch it but couldn't reach it. The light called to you. You wanted to answer its call. Then there was darkness.

* * *

A sound you don't recognize softly wakes you from your deep sleep. Looking around the foreign room you try to locate the source.

_Where am I?_

You carefully sit up and rub your eyes. Yesterday's events come rushing back when you spot the name Kylo Ren on the holopad.

"Oh yeah, I joined the First Order. Silly me." You say sarcastically. "First night on Starkiller Base, I can finally scrap that from my bucket list."

Realizing Ren may have sent you your training schedule, you take the holopad from the shelf. It takes a while to get used to the controls, but eventually you got the hang of it. 

_Commander Kylo Ren_

_06:15_

_Meet me in my training room at 10:00 precisely. The coordination is seen below._

"Short and sweet, I guess." You sigh. "Did he have to send me this at 06:15 though?"

The last time you ate was quite a while ago your stomach is getting upset with the lack of munchies. You remember Ren telling you there is a cafeteria somewhere in this place. Looking through the New Employee files you search for its coordinates. After scrolling for a while, you find it together with the opening times.

"Open from 07:00 until 20:00." You read out loud, pausing in between a lot. "I still have some time to clean myself up."

Before you could go inside your refresher, you hear a knock on your door. Frowning in confusion, you go to open it. You're half expecting to see Ren, but instead it's a lady in uniform holding a bag. She must have seen the confusion on your face because she immediately clarifies her intentions. "I was instructed by Commander Ren to deliver these clothes to you. Also to tell you your new armor is still in the works, so training has to be done in tunics which can also be found inside this bag." Her voice sounds so sweet for someone who consciously works for monsters. 

You give her a short nod and take the bag from her hands. Without saying anything back, you close the door. You feel bad for not thanking her, but you need to do this. Can't be buddy-buddy with anyone, or you would go back on your word.

Inside the bag are an everyday uniform and the aforementioned tunics. Immediately you decide to never wear the uniform, even if your other options were dirty. Never will you ever walk around with a First Order insignia. The tunics, on the other hand, looks to be monotone. No insignia and all in black. It kind of reminds you of Ren's uniform. 

You scoff at the realization. _Yaaaay, we match._

After a nice, warm shower you dress yourself up. Ready to explore the road towards food. You wonder if the people are going to recognize you as Ren's student. Something inside you hates the idea, but another part is relieved. Perhaps his scary attitude will keep you safe from unnecessary conversations. You could only hope so.

When it is almost seven, you take your leave with the holopad. Just in case you'd get lost.

It takes a while, but at last, you found it. You peek inside. The only ones present are the kitchen staff it seems. 

_Thank the stars nobody is here yet._

Quickly you get some food you recognize from your home planet and try to find yourself a spot where you can eat in peace. Preferably secluded, but no such luck. 

As you are scarfing down your food, you notice a group of people coming in. At first they don't see you, but once they have their food you are in their peripheral view. You catch some of them flinching and whispering to each other. Nervous of their stares, you swiftly finish your food and make a quick exit. 

_Not getting bothered is going to be tough..._

You look at your holopad to see the time. It's only 07:34. Still over two hours until your first training session with Ren. Just waiting in your room doesn't appeal to you, so you decide to explore the ship for a while to kill time. 

The first thing you notice, there are a lot of hallways. And they all look the same. You swear you were going around in circles at some point. Around ten minutes later, you finally find something interesting. The hangar, where all the TIE fighters are located. You spot a lot of 'troopers marching around, it seems like they came back from a mission.

_No doubt invading some planet._

Anger starts to well up inside of you.

_Never forgive, never forget what they did to you._

A cough coming from behind you makes you jump. You immediately spin around to face whoever was behind you. It is a man you don't recognize. He has ginger-like hair and stunning blue eyes which seem to bore into your soul. He looks annoyed with your presence. "And who might you be?" 

Words fail you and your silence annoys him even more. "If you can't give me a valid answer, I will have you detained and escorted to an interrogation chamber." He tells you in a threatening voice.

You try to stammer out an explanation. "I-I'm Commander Ren's student." You tell the stranger your name. "I was just getting familiar with the base, I swear I'm not doing anything insubordinate." You explain further. 

Still glaring at you, he raises an eyebrow. "You're the infamous Ghost? A mere girl?" He scoffs at the idea. The anxiety you feel is quickly replaced with frustration. Why is it so difficult to believe that you could take out a squad of stormtroopers? A princess took out the Death Star a few decades ago.

"Yes. The one and only." You reply with a hint of sarcasm. 

His annoyance turned into a malicious frown. "Watch your tone girl. You are speaking to a General."

_A General? Kriffing hell, I need to keep my mouth shut._

You don't want to get on the wrong side of someone like him. You bow to him. "My apologies. I wasn't aware. This shouldn't excuse my ignorance, but it's my first day. I hope you can forgive me, General-"

"General Hux." He interrupts you. "See this predicament as a warning. Next time, I won't appreciate such blatant insubordination. Perhaps I should suggest Ren to keep a leash on you, so you don't wander in places you aren't supposed to be." 

You give him a quick nod and speedwalk away. 

_Damn, these people are no joke._

After calming down, you look at your holopad to see the time. 

_09:51??? Shit, I'm going to be late!_

Not wanting to chance another situation with a superior, you sprint to Ren's training room. Fortunately for you, only stormtroopers are witnessing your desperate rush. 

In record time, you reach your destination. A bit too loud for your taste, you throw open the door.

"I'm here..." You sputter out while catching your breath. 

"So," Ren says while standing in front of you. "Shall we begin?"


	8. Where's my treasure?

Still steadying your breath, you answer. "Yeah, sure. Never been more ready in my life Commander Ren." You look up to his face, or better yet mask, and give a firm nod. 

_Is he going to wear a mask during training?_

Always listening to your thoughts, he replies. "I wear it during combat, so wearing it in training won't give much of a difference."

_Right... Mind reading._

You could only assume he was rolling his eyes under that helmet. Not chancing another disrespectful thought you focus all your attention on the training room. The metal walls were stark-white, seemingly untouched by anything. Either Commander Ren took great care of this room, or the Order has an amazing cleaning team. With his legendary temper, you assume the second part. The floor is covered in a decently sized white mat. Carefully touching it with your foot you realize it's quite soft yet sturdy. You notice Ren walking to a weapon rack, gathering two dummy lightsabers.

You walk over and give him a confused stare. "Why can't we train with our sabers?" You question Ren.

Letting out an annoyed sigh, he turns to you. "The forms I'll be teaching you can potentially injure you severely. First, you need to master them before we use actual lightsabers."

"Makes sense..." You pout. After all, training with sticks only gives bruises, not burns, or even worse scars. Those you are already familiar with.

He hands you the fake saber and walks past you towards the center of the training mat. Before you follow suit, you roll up your sleeves. You feel a hard stare at your back. Confused you look around and notice Ren's helmet is angled weirdly. Following his stare, you see his attention fixated at your left arm, which is littered with burn marks from training by yourself. His gaze makes you feel embarrassed by your carelessness. 

_Stop looking at me._

Realizing what you just did, you glance at Ren to see if he would react to what you thought. To your relief, he doesn't react. You make your way next to his side, waiting for instructions. 

"I presume you prefer more of an assassin type combat approach. Your physic also leans more in that direction. So I will teach you forms of lightsaber combat that correlate more with this battle type." He explains to you. "Of course we have to start with the basics first."

You're already aware he wants to develop your skills, but you can't stop wondering what for? Would it be too early to ask? You want to know, so you shoot your shot.

"What would you have me do once I finish my training." You question him.

The tension in the room is killing you. Slowly, his mask turns to you. You tense up, afraid you made him upset.

"Take you on missions, perhaps using you as a bodyguard during political meetings." He states as if it was obvious.

A laugh escapes before you can hold it back. "As if you can't fend for yourself." Amusement heavy in your voice. 

"Enough." He declares with a raised voice. You struck a nerve there. 

He stands in front of you and raises the stick in a straight line. You closely follow his movement. 

"We'll start with Form I. This technique focuses on disarming your opponent without hurting them. It works well against multiple opponents but is useless against lightsabers." He demonstrates the stance and the move. Once he finishes he nods to you to do the same. Copying his stance, you breathe in deeply and perform the same move he showed you.

"Good. Again."

You do it a few more times before he motions you to stop. 

"Now I'll show you how to perform it against an enemy. Try to strike me." Repositioning himself in the stance, he instructs you. 

Following his command, you rush towards him. Within seconds your weapon lays on the ground far away from you. You want to go get it, but Ren is quicker. He uses the Force to summon your weapon into his hands and gives it back to you. 

"Different types of attacks need different approaches." He continues. "Come at me again, but in a different manner." 

You nod quickly and leap to perform an overhead strike. Yet again, he manages to disarm you easily. 

The precision impresses you. Never have you seen anyone use a weapon so gracefully. "Okay. I hate to admit, that was pretty cool." You beam as you grab your stick. Fighting as a master swordsman has always fascinated you. The control over your weapon and enemy. The elegance in the different combat moves. It made your heart race seeing such a skilled person perform effortlessly. 

Your comment appeared to surprise Ren, but to be fair you couldn't be sure since you can't see his face. Eventually, he collected his thoughts and faces you again.

"You seem to have a grasp of the concept. Now it's your turn to execute it correctly." He positions himself as if he is an enemy, ready to attack you. Readying yourself, you take the stance. A mere second after you were ready, he attacks. Surprised by his sudden assault you try to disarm sloppily. He seems to notice because he strikes you before you can recover. The extreme pain made you fall on the ground.

You try to force your attention away from the pain while trying to stand up. Ren towering over you. 

"Again." He instructs when walking back.

You are frustrated now. "Did you have to stab me?"

He turns to you, speaking in a monotonous voice. "You made it too easy. Instead of acting, you were reacting. It was a mediocre attempt." His answer made your blood boil even more.

"You didn't even give me a chance to try!" You yelled in anger. Displeasure is slowly coming off of him in waves. Not wanting to escalate his temper, you try calming yourself down. "How can I learn, if you won't even give me a chance to perform it correctly?" You try to sound more respectful. 

Your tone seems to please him, as the tension disappears. "Failure is a great teacher. If you observe where it went wrong, you'll improve. Now again."

You try a few more times, still, you couldn't perform the way Ren had. Not like he was going easy on you. "Stop swinging your weapon like a fool. Think rationally." He says with an irritated voice. Again you try and try. Not a single time are you able to perform the way you want to. Frustration gets the best of you and you slam the fake lightsaber against the ground. Noticing your fatigue, he lowers his stick. "Something as simple as this should be easy to master. I am disappointed in your performance." 

You wanted to yell, perhaps even scream, but you held your tongue. Even if you are angry at his words, he is right. Disappointment is the best way to describe your feelings. You wanted to prove yourself, show Ren you weren't a weak girl who just got lucky. Yet you failed. 

He picks up your dummy saber and puts it back in the weapon rack. "Sit." He instructs. You sigh and obey by squatting down, Ren following soon after. "We'll leave lightsaber training for today, now let's focus on the other part of your training with me."

You give him a bewildered stare. "There is another part?" You question him.

"Yes." He replies. "Now we focus on your defense against the Force."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Want more info about the different Forms?  
> These are the websites I used while making this chapter:  
> \- https://www.liveabout.com/lightsaber-combat-seven-traditional-forms-2958067  
> \- https://starwars.fandom.com/wiki/Lightsaber_combat/Legends
> 
> Inspiration song: Imagine Dragons - Whatever it takes


	9. What about second training?

Your mouth falls open in confusion. A chuckle emanates from his mask. Your face is hilarious to him. "Uh sorry, not trying to disrespect your decision-"

"You are forgiven." He interrupts you with an amused tone.

You mentally eye-roll from his comment. "But why would you train me to defend myself from the Force? Don't you have to be, like, a Force-user?" You question him.

"Isn't it obvious?" He said ignoring your confused expression.

Not appreciating his teasing anymore you force a stern look on your face. "No, it's not." Finally, his vexing attitude seems to return to stoic. You are keener on that, makes it less likely to feel a connection. 

A small cough makes you focus your attention back to Ren. "Since you are wielding a lightsaber, others are going to assume you are a Force-user. I'm going to make you familiar with the power of the Force so you won't face any surprises. In case the Resistance has a Force-sensitive within their ranks." He explains carefully. "Let's start with mind-reading. Giving the enemy inside information about the First Order is to be avoided at all costs." His reasons sound logical to you, so you go along with it. "Close your eyes, clear your mind." He continues. 

Faintly you notice a pressure building up. You remember the feeling of Ren infiltrating your mind from before, but this time he is intentionally digging deeper. Unmasking the most painful parts of your past which you desperately tried to forget. How you were humiliated, cast aside, mocked, abused. You hate how he makes you relive them. 

In between the flashback, you hear Ren's voice. "Resist me. Block me from your mind."

You try, but it's futile. The emotional pain combined with the physical pain becomes unbearable, making tears pool in your eyes. "STOP!" You yell ferociously. After what felt like ages Ren's pulls his hold on your mind back. A splitting headache now replacing the pressure. 

Not caring about your discomfort, he expresses his dissatisfaction. "You need to control your emotions. Never show the enemy that they can break you with their torture. This weakness will reflect badly on the First Order's image." He shouts at you.

But you wouldn't have it. "Easy for you to say when you wear a mask!" You tell him through gritted teeth. 

"That is enough!" The words echoing throughout the whole training room. Frightened by his outburst, you feel a chill run down your spine. You don't dare to speak again. You lower your head. You had almost forgotten who you were dealing with: Kylo Ren. An apathetic executioner of the First Order. Leader of the Knights of Ren. Just because you are his students, doesn't mean he will put up with your antics forever. 

_Please don't hurt me..._

You expect something, anything. Punishment, more yelling, maybe even one of his famous Force-chokes. Yet nothing came. Peaking up through one eye, you see Ren going towards the exit of his training room. 

"Rest up and review what I taught you today. We will take up your lightsaber training again the day after your training with the Knights." He tells you in a surprisingly calm tone. 

_How many more surprises were you going to get today?_

"Wait, why am I training with the Knights?" You ask him.

He tilts his head slightly to the side, not wanting to face you fully. "With me, your training consists of mastering your lightsaber skills and strengthening your defense against the Force. My knights will help you with everything else."

You knit your eyebrows together. "Why can't you just train me in 'everything else'?" If you can limit your contact with other Order personnel, you would. Even if that meant spending more time with this unbearable man. 

"I have better things to do." Without leaving room for any rebuttal, he leaves you all alone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you have any feedback, I would love to hear it!  
> Thank you again for reading!


	10. These guys definitely don't like me...

When Ren had left, you laid on the ground like a corpse for about ten minutes before getting up. Like a newborn fawn, you waddle out of the room. Maybe you should have stretched instead. It takes a while before you reach your quarters, but you are relieved when you do. You smell extremely bad and feel sticky all over. Without hesitation you go into the refresher for the second time today. Once done, you look at yourself in the mirror. Everywhere you were hit with a stick is forming a nasty bruise. Luckily for you, they don't hurt currently. But knowing from experience, they will.

A dying animal noise startles you from your thoughts. To your relief, it is just your stomach informing you of its emptiness. In past circumstances, you would ignore it and keep on working without giving it any thought. Now you can just walk into the cafeteria and grab whatever you want for free. This revelation still baffles you. Yet you'll take advantage of this fact.

The remainder of your day is quite peaceful. Avoiding Order personnel was hard in a full cafeteria, but you did your best to ignore them. You would need to figure out when each group eats, so you'd be able to perfectly time a moment of quiet without too many onlookers. When you aren't eating, you are reading on your holopad. You feel relaxed. You almost feel bad for having all this luxury, especially because its provided by the First Order. 

_One day I'll turn against them. They'll be sorry to ever consider taking me in._

Eventually, you get bored, so you decide to turn in early. Might as well if you are going to train tomorrow. After you turn off the lights, a message appears on your holopad. Annoyed by the disturbance, you open it. It's from Ren.

_Commander Kylo Ren_

_20:56_

_Your training with my Knights will be held in the training room from sector B, same time as today._

"A man of few words." You murmur to yourself, placing the holopad on your nightstand. "Time for sleep." Finding a good position, you close your eyes. 

* * *

Waking up the same time as yesterday, you follow the same routine. Luckily this time you don't bump into a certain General while going on your walk. When the time came to start your training, you head over to sector B. You find the training room easily. Hesitantly you step inside and notice only one Knight present, seemingly busy with their stuff. You walk towards them and wait until they give you instructions. Only they didn't. They just sit there in silence, cleaning a big blaster. 

It doesn't seem like they were going to be the first one to speak, so you do. "What training are you giving me today, sir..." You don't know their name. Anxious with the silence you wait nervously for their reply. 

The question made them eventually face you. "Avoiding blaster shots." They explain with yet another modulated voice.

_Is this a new fashion trend you aren't aware of?_

Granted you have no sense of fashion at all, so that wouldn't surprise you. They stand up from their sitting position and start grabbing a few different training blasters. Now you are even more confused.

_Are they going to teach you how to shoot? Is that even necessary for you?_

You wish Ren was better at informing you about what your training consists of. "Do I need to grab a blaster as well?" You inquire, hoping they would say more than just yes or no.

"No." 

_Great. Another person of few words._

They point to the center of the room, probably telling you to stand there. Not wanting any trouble you follow their instruction. While walking there, you notice for the first time how big the room is. Here and there lay some 'trooper helmets, training dummies, and blasters. 

_This must be where they train their mindless slaves._

"I shoot, you dodge." They command while aiming at you.

_Sounds easier said than done..._

* * *

Even if the shots couldn't kill, they still hurt. Maybe that's because your skin had to endure too many of them. Ren may have been a tough teacher, but these guys are brutal. You are starting to prefer his teaching methods. During the merciless onslaught, you learned about this one's name. Kuruk, the rifleman of the Knights. Sounds about horrific enough. 

Finally they have a shimmer of mercy upon your soul because they declare the training as done for today. Maybe now was the perfect time to learn where you can find the medbay, cause those burns aren't going to treat themselves. 

Gently you made your way to the medbay, limping slightly from the shots you endured on your leg. Just as you are about to reach your destination, you bump into Ren. For a second he looks taken aback, but you could have been hallucinating from the pain. 

"How was training with Kuruk? Effortless, I hope." He teases, you're not sure as a joke or sarcasm. 

"Could have been better." You answer him honestly. He only replies with a hum. 

Looking you up and down, he sees your wounds. "Looks like Kuruk went all out. I expect you to take care of these burns so you are fit for training tomorrow." 

You give him a quick nod. "Yes, Commander Ren." You start making your way to the medbay when suddenly he grabs your shoulder. Surprised by his actions, you gaze at him with wide eyes.

The silence is deafening, it almost seems like he grabbed you on accident and doesn't know what to say. Just a few seconds go by before he speaks to you in a soft tone. "Was Kuruk too harsh on you?"

His question startles you and leaves you dumbfounded. You aren't sure how to answer him. 

_Is this a test?_

"You can be honest with me." He tries to persuade you. 

Softly you shake your head. They were brutal to you, but you are familiar with cruelty. It will also prevent you from forming attachments to them. You prefer it this way.

You grasp his hand and remove it from your shoulder. "I'm going to get myself patched up. Have a good day Commander." After paying your respects, you start walking again. You don't see how Ren clutches his hand while watching you leave.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The exposition about your new life is almost complete, so the real shit can almost start! Worldbuilding is fun, you guys.  
> Info about Knights of Ren: https://starwars.fandom.com/wiki/Knights_of_Ren


	11. Non-integration intensifies

About a week passes, and all you've been doing is training, training, and even more training. Every day you left the training sessions with new sore spots and bruises. You trained with Kuruk for a while until another Knight took his place. Ushar, if you remember correctly. Stars, they instructed you only one day so far and you already despise them. Ushar is supposed to help you develop a better pain tolerance, though you are pretty sure they just enjoy torturing you. Their favorite weapon to use on you is a whip. Sometimes when it became too much to handle you begged them to stop, but they never did. Fortunately for you, it's going to be a while until Ushar has to train you again. After that particular training day, you spend your night in the medbay. 

And your training with Ren? Well, after a few more atrocious attempt you were finally able to disarm him. Since your first success, disarming oncoming attacks became child's play to you. So now it's time to learn Form II. You have to be honest, you are excited to see yourself improve and move on to something completely new. Yes, you still loathe the First Order. That would never change, but you have to admire Ren's discipline and skill. Defense against the Force is still hard. Keeping someone out of your head is difficult and you barely see any improvement in that department. However, silencing your thoughts progresses smoothly. Now Ren would have to dig more to hear you shit-talk him inside your mind. 

If there isn't any training left for the day, you are embracing free time. Getting food is currently your favorite pass time on Starkiller Base. It still blows your mind you can just get food whenever you please. No money necessary. For as long as you could remember you had to scavenge and work for a tiny portion. So while you still can, you will take advantage of this freedom.

Unfortunately, everyone else in this base likes it too. Before you were able to figure out the times when the cafeteria is practically full, you had to endure sitting with 'troopers or Officers. Stormtroopers always try to involve you in their mundane conversations, so you learned to ignore them. After a while they would figure out your distaste of them. 

But the ones that bother you the most are humanoids who usually work under General Hux. Desperately trying to butter you up and praise Commander Ren, in the hopes they would get the grace of his emo majesty himself. Talking to the Commander yourself seems like a bad idea, knowing his random outbursts, so trying to befriend his student doesn't seem so terrible. Naturally you always pretend they don't exist, yet they still come sit with you when they see you seated by yourself. If only you had your own Force magic, then you could literally push them away.

So for the sake of your sanity, you tried to figure out the best moments to eat without possibly getting disrupted by unwanted companions. Now you always eat by yourself, but as always the Force has different plans for you.

* * *

It's about 18:45 when you arrive in the cafeteria to get your dinner. From your knowledge, you know the Knights eat their dinner around 19:30, so you have about 45 minutes before the emptiness of this place is filled with their presence. You pick a few things before finding yourself a seat. The last 'troopers are finished for tonight and leave.

 _Yes! Finally timed it right!_ You smirk to yourself.

Avoiding social contact has been really draining these last few days, so now that you are starting to find these alone-times you can relax a bit. The quiet fills you with peace. You close your eyes and enjoy it for a moment. Suddenly heavy footsteps come towards you, ending the peace.

 _Well, that lasted long._ You think in an annoyed tone. 

A familiar modulated voice surprises you. "Do you always eat alone?" Ren questions you.

Only looking at him with one eye you reply. "Can't a girl enjoy some peace and quiet?" a sigh leaving your mouth.

His head tilts slightly. "Then what do you do with the remainder of your spare time? Spend it alone I assume?" Again with that teasing tone you dislike.

You snort. "Why do you care what I do in my spare time?" Irritation starts rising up inside you.

Clearly not done, he takes a seat in front of you. "I want you to feel comfortable here as my student. Always viewing us as enemies isn't going to go make your stay enjoyable." He explains.

 _Feel comfortable? Ha, that's new._ "We made a deal." Giving him a stern expression. 

Seems like he recalls it because he gives you a nod. "Indeed. And if I remember correctly, you requested to not be forced into deeper relationships or as you call it 'being buddy-buddy'." Well he is sort of right. Still, you hated how he expects you to change your view like you don't remember him making you choose between joining them or certain death. If you weren't bitter before, you are now. 

So you continue to defy him. "I'm not going to make an effort. You can't force me!" It comes out angrier then you intended. 

Abruptly he stands up, letting his chair clatter on the ground. You likely hit the limit on his patience. "Fine!" He sounds absolutely furious, even the kitchen staff retreats in fear of what Ren might do. "If you're not making an effort, I will!" You don't like where this discussion is going. "Either you eat dinner with my Knights or with me. Your choice." 

_So either dinner with the Knights who love to beat the crap out of me, or dinner with a manchild who easily loses his temper if you talk back?_ In moments like this, you appreciate the training you got. If you are honest with yourself, you'd prefer Ren. At least he is predictable. His knights? Not so much. "Dinner with you, Commander Ren." You answer him shakily after taking a deep breath.

His tense shoulders relax slightly. You hear the leather gloves creaking as he opens his clenched hands. "Good." And as suddenly as he appeared, he left. Not giving you another glance. Finally you could release the tension you held. Wondering how much time you have left, you look at your holopad. It reads 19:08. So Ren didn't take up all your time with your heated discussion. You finish the rest of your food quickly and head out.

Immediately when you enter your room, you dive into your bed. For some reason you really want to fall asleep like this. Luck is yet again not on your side, because you hear a knock on your door. Growling with annoyance you head over. It's the lady who brought you clothes on your first day, this time she is holding a big box. "Your armor is finished, so I was instructed to bring it to your quarters." You grab the box from her while giving her a nod. "Have a good evening Miss." she tells you before turning around and heading back to wherever she came from.

Curiosity becomes the best of you, so you open the box to examine your new armor. At first glance it looks completely the same as your old one, only shinier and made of black metal. You are sort of glad, after everything that happened you longed for something familiar. Taking a second look, you notice a mask. The design is of a creature you haven't seen before. Where you also going to become a Knight? You really hope not. Becoming a murder happy lunatic isn't exactly what you want out of life. You'll be seeing Ren a few times tomorrow, so you can ask him then. After putting your new outfit on your shelve, you decide to turn in. Not long after closing your eyes you fall into a deep sleep. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Told you it was a slowburn...
> 
> New armor: https://imgur.com/a/0qguDzi
> 
> Inspiration song: Imagine Dragons - Whatever it takes


	12. Today is THAT day

You're not looking forward to this day, not at all. Ever since you had been kicked out of your last orphanage you appreciated time by yourself a lot more then you expected. And yesterday you had almost found your happy place in this nightmare, for it to be ripped away by your 'generous' Commander. You couldn't even eat breakfast this morning because you feel so nervous. 

Before you leave for training, you debate whether or not to wear your normal tunic or the new armor you received. The material is smooth and sturdy, yet lightweight. Almost as light as a tunic. Maneuvers definitely aren't going to be a problem in this armor. Just the mask isn't really what you prefer. For now, you'll take your trusty tunic. 

You reach the training room quite early. Until Ren arrives, you figure going over the stuff you've learned wouldn't do you harm. Performing Form I isn't challenging anymore since you got the gist of it. Form II, on the other hand, is way more difficult. It focusses a lot more on dueling defensively, not disarming your opponent. Personally you like offensive dueling more. 

While you were practicing you don't notice Ren entering the room. Your focus is fully on the stances. When Ren clears his throat, you jerk in his direction. "Kriff! You scared me." You tell him while clutching your chest.

He lets out a chuckle, probably finding your reaction amusing. "It wasn't my intention to scare you, but simply to get your attention. I hope I didn't frighten you too much." He replies in an amused tone. "Besides, you were doing quite well." The compliment comes out of nowhere. How long has he been watching you? 

After grabbing a training stick for himself, he joins you on the training mat. "Show me what you remember." 

* * *

Sparing for two hours really tires you out. Constantly trying to block Ren's attacks is difficult, his skill is miles ahead of you and his huge body doesn't help you either. You are on your knees catching your breath. Ren, on the other hand, is meditating. Why you have no idea. It's not like he expects you to understand anyway. 

You don't think you can go again for round... five or six? The number of rounds seemed unending to you. So you decide to call it a day. You sit up and walk towards Ren's meditating form. Softly you clear your throat to attract his attention. Without turning his head to you he hums, indicating he heard you. "Is it alright if we leave it at this?"

The mask shifts towards you, looking right at you. No clear emotion noticeable. "You wish to skip Force training. Why?" he asks you.

 _Truth or not?_ You let out a sigh. "I haven't eaten this morning and I'm starving." You glance away while explaining your reason. 

Anxiously you await his reply. It stays quiet for a while until he speaks again. "I understand." Bewildered by his answer, you stare at him in confusion. Slowly he stands up and grabs both training sticks to put them away. "For Dinner-" He continues, not allowing you to leave yet. "I expect you at my quarters around 19:00. You can find the coordinations on your holopad."

Ah yes, dinner with Ren. How could you forget? It's simple, you didn't. Still, you silently hoped he had forgotten about it. Seems like you can't escape it that easily. "Yes, see you than Commander." You squeak out while exiting the training room.

He laughs. "See you tonight." Saying your name softly.


	13. Dinner date with Ren

It's 18:40 and you feel the stress sweat building up. All that deep cleaning you did after lunch, wasted effort. You smell so bad, you almost consider wearing a different tunic. 

"Why do I even care about if I smell or not?? I wasn't like this before I became part of the First Order..." You yell out in frustration. In the past, having a shower once a week only happened if you got lucky with your employer. All the other days you were covered in dirt, not like anyone in your village cared. Now you basically clean yourself every day. Because of this, you are constantly aware of your cleanliness. 

After bickering to yourself for about five solid minutes, you eventually conclude changing tunics is unnecessary. Why would you want to smell nice for dinner? Not like Ren deserves your nice smell. Okay, maybe you are overexaggerating. You have to be honest with yourself, sometimes you are acting like a total brat to him. Lately he has been really patient and sorta kind. Maybe, just for tonight, you could give him some slack. 

_Why should I? He only wants me to be a loyal puppet that he can control and use for personal gain. I never had a choice in the matter, same for tonight._ A voice inside your head reminds you of your bitterness. You felt fine before, now you're mood is sour. Not wanting to deal with a pissed Kylo Ren, you go to his quarters anyway. You just hope it'll be a quiet dinner.

* * *

You stand in front of his door, waiting. For what, you do not know. An invitation, or perhaps a 'Come in'. 

_Can this night be over already?_ You sigh internally. 

All of a sudden, the door slams open. Startled, you let out a yelp. "Come in." Maybe it is just you, but Ren sounded a little mad. Not like you can know for sure since his helmet blocks all his facial expressions. 

Carefully you step inside.

Ren's room is huge. Understandable for someone of his status. Big yet empty, just like his soul. 

_Oh, I'm soooooooooooo funny._ You mock yourself internally. Hopefully, you have your mental guard up or Ren may actually hear your epic jokes. 

In another part of his quarters he shows you the dinner table. He gives you a quick gesture. Probably telling you to take a seat, so you do. 

"What kind of beverage do you enjoy usually?" He asks you. "I can order whatever you desire."

Knowing yourself, you haven't really drunk any other 'beverages' besides water and crap beer. "I'll take water, thank you." You state quickly. Giving a soft nod to your answer, he turns around and goes to what you assume to be a kitchen. Leaving you alone for a minute.

A set table is something you barely saw in your life. Most of the time you just ate with your hands. Only when you still lived in orphanages did you sometimes use spoons. Now, however, you used utensils every day. Another luxury you thought you'd never have. 

Looking a bit closer, you notice how pretty the utensils and plates look. The scavenger inside you puts a high price on them. Its design reminds you of old Alderaan, a destroyed world from a previous war. You wonder how Ren was able to get such beautiful antiques. Perhaps he got it from a planet the First Order invaded. Not wanting to ruin your mood again, you try to shake the thought away.

After a while, Ren returns with your water and a bottle of wine. He hands you your water and sits down facing you. 

_He's not going to eat with that thing on, is_ _he?_ You snort to yourself.

Almost unnoticed, you hear him sigh. "I guess I'll have to reveal my face to you now." 

_Oh... OH!_ You never thought this day would come. In anticipation your heartbeat slows, watching carefully as Ren removes his helmet. He looks... Like a man. You expected to see a monster, a creature, so your hate would be validated. But all you see is just a normal young guy. He notices you staring at his face. "Not what you expected?" he jokes with a slight smirk on his face. If you aren't already surprised by his features, his real voice would do the trick. 

"No... Not really..." You stammer out not knowing what else to say. Without blinking you take a sip of your water.

He chuckles at your embarrassment. "It's alright, you can stare. I don't mind." You almost want to spit out your water. Instead you swallow harshly. He seems to be enjoying your awkwardness. 

Trying to save face, you question him for a change. "Why do you wear it all the time? Doesn't it get sweaty in there?" Hoping it masks your unease, you give him a disgusted face. 

This time, he looks serious. "My mask is a tribute to my grandfather. I want to honor him this way." He tells you truthfully. Yet somehow, you know it's not the complete truth. The only reason you asked was to direct his teasing away from you. Never did you expect for him to get serious. 

Still, you leave it at that. "I see." For now, you direct your attention to the food in front of you. It looks absolutely delicious. 

Both of you are enjoying the meal in silence. You are halfway when Ren seems to be finished with his portion. Now it is his turn to stare at you. You're making bets inside your head when Ren is going to talk again. Just as you take a bite, he speaks up. "You seem to be enjoying your meal." He sounds content. 

You continue to chew and give him a quick nod. A small smile forms on his lips. Your mouth stops working while you stare in awe. You haven't seen many people smile in your life, but his smile is the most charming of them all. Snapping yourself away from those embarrassing thoughts, you continue stuffing your mouth. 

Finally you are finished. Before you could make an attempt to escape this awkward dinner, He speaks up again. "I heard your armor has been delivered to you. Why didn't you wear it this morning?" He questions you, clearly curious. 

"Should I?" You counter ask with furrowed brows. 

He snickers. "It's not mandatory, don't worry. But when you go on missions you'll have to wear it for your protection, so I can only recommend you do." He explains tactfully. 

"Sounds fair." You say hastily while making a beeline for the exit, Ren following close behind you. "Good night, Commander Ren." You bid your goodbye. 

He grabs your wrist, tugging at you gently so you would face him. A tender look visible in his dark eyes. "Call me Kylo. In private."

_How many more surprises is this man going to give me? Better yet, why??_

Taking your silence as a yes, he lets go. "I'll see you at dinner tomorrow." 

_Wait... TOMORROW???_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Why so torn????


	14. Epiphany

Ren's words keep repeating themselves inside your mind. _Call me Kylo... Call me Kylo?... Call me, Kylo..._ And the final sentence didn't help either. _Dinner tomorrow, so dinner day after tomorrow? And after that?? More dinner????_ Trying to bring sense into your brain is currently impossible. To give yourself more time to think, you make a detour. And another one. On your fourth round, you have a realization. Ren must LIKE you. Like, actually enjoy your company. Why else would he make the dinner ~~date~~ a daily thing? To spite you? Unlikely. He has to put up with you for at least an hour of his Oh so precious free time. Does he get enjoyment from seeing you squirm? A bit more likely, still not enough to warrant it as a daily appointment. You make yourself more confused than coming to a conclusion. In times like these, you wish you could read his mind. At least you would have some sort of clue. 

You finally acknowledge that overthinking it isn't going to give you answers. The only way to truly know is to ask... Kylo. "Eeeeeeeew! No, no way! I'm not going to use his first name! Over my dead body!" You yell like an idiot. This earns you a few glances fro night patrol stormtroopers, who probably already thought you were insane from seeing you wander the same halls repeatedly.

As you enter your room, you throw yourself on the bed. Ready to forget and move on from this day. Unfortunately for you, the words keep swirling around in your head. This makes falling asleep near to impossible. After hours of distracting yourself, you eventually feel your eyelids getting heavier and soon you doze off. 

* * *

Light.

Dark.

Each facing each other. Yet not touching. 

You, in the middle. Between both. You reach out to the light, it softly retracts from your hand. Then you try the dark, but an invisible wall pushes you away. You are neither, you are both. You are the force between them. Separating them, yet unifying them together. It feels right. It feels peaceful.

This is...

* * *

You wake up to your alarm. You remember dreaming, but not what it was about. A wet spot forms on your blanket. Slowly you reach for your face. The wetness is tears. 

_I was crying? Why?_ You try to collect your thoughts, hoping to find an answer. No explanation came to you. _Well, I guess I'll start the day..._ Today you have training with one of Ren's Knight, so definitely a heavy day ahead of you. And tonight, another awkward dinner. 

You take a quick trip to the refresher before heading out. Hopefully the Force is going to be with you today.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> More story progression? Or more character focus? What do you guys prefer?


	15. Bants

Today's training is with the kinda swell Ap'lek. At least they aren't hellbent on getting their daily torture pleasure from injuring you. Their job is to teach you about strategy in deception, which is good for a stealth approach. Ap'lek makes it easy to understand. They show how to use traps and smokescreens, whilst being able to maneuver through it yourself with ease. Your new mask has heat sensors implanted so you don't need the Force like Ap'lek. This is the first training with a Knight you actually enjoyed. You keep asking questions as well and are eager to try out many things. They also suggest using a ranged weapon, like a glave. 

Training ends three hours later than intended, but you hardly noticed it. Even hunger didn't make you realize. So by the time you're done, your empty stomach begins to whine. You almost invite Ap'lek to eat some lunch with you, but you're able to hold yourself back. Yes, they were nice to you, but they're still a Knight of Ren. So you go by yourself.

* * *

Yet again it's time for your second dinner with Ren. You still aren't ready to use anything else but Ren, so you'd have to avoid calling to him by his name. It won't be too hard, but you still need to watch out. 

Everything is the same as yesterday. You arrive on time, Ren opens the door, you enter and take a seat, and you both start eating. No meddlesome questions so far and surprisingly no teasing. His expression is very neutral, so you can't tell if he had a bad day or just a bad mood. 

You are still eating when he ultimately speaks. "Ap'lek told me you impressed them. They're pleased with your performance." He praises you out of the blue. 

Slightly taken aback, you process his words carefully. No teasing or mocking detected, so it must be genuine. "It's nothing. They are a good teacher. The training was interesting as well." You give him a small smile. 

He gives you hum. "You're allowed to be proud of your accomplishments. Teachers can only give the material, but it's all up to you how you decide to use it." The way he explains it makes you feel happy inside. Finally, someone sees your worth, your potential. No one has ever told you to be proud of your achievements. Still, you feel conflicted. Should you feel good about the compliments of bad people? This feeling of being torn never leaves you alone. 

Slowly you finish your dinner in silence, not knowing how to react anymore. Meanwhile, Ren brought over a book to read. Probably so you can finish your food in peace. At least he isn't staring at you ~~with those big, beautiful eyes~~. 

_No! Bad brain!_ You mentally scold yourself.

You swear you heard a chuckle somewhere, but when you glance at Ren his face looks neutral. No hint of laughter in sight. 

Dinner this time is quite a lot, you are stuffed. Still, leaving it to be thrown away doesn't sit well with you. Maybe if you wait a bit, room will become available again. You try not to make it obvious to Ren that you are sorta done with your food, so you focus your attention on the back of the book. The letters are small and the only thing you can make out is something, something, Empire. Curiosity becoming the best of you, you decide to just ask him. For the first time, you initiate the conversation. "What are you reading?" 

Startled by your sudden question, he quickly closes it and directs his eyes to yours. "Nothing particularly interesting." He replies uninterested. The answer made you pout, which Ren notices. "It's an objective view of the correct and wrong methods the Empire used to unite the galaxy. Currently, Snoke and Hux are the ones involved in politics and I am not. However, I still want to be able to understand it, in case I need it one day." He explains prudently. You note some redness on his cheeks. Was he embarrassed? Maybe now is the time to give him a taste of his own teasing medicine.

"Do you always talk so fancy? Or is it a First Order thing? Like, General Hux speaks as if he's a spoiled prince." You quip with a grin. He looks a bit taken aback by your joke, so you decide to add a bit more fire to the fuel. You start speaking like Hux in a mocking tone. "What is this scoundrel doing here at my private high tea? Get this peasant out of here! Butler?!"

Both of you can't contain your laughter. Oh, how you love the sound of his laugh. You have to admit, you are kind off warming up to him. Should be normal with the amount of time you spend with Ren. But it isn't just that, there is something else. In times like this, you see a whole new person coming to the front. The teasing, the jokes, the care. That isn't Kylo Ren.

Eventually the laughter subsides, and you are staring at each other with a smile. Your food lays forgotten in this moment. 

"If you're ever interested, I have way more engaging books. I'm willing to lend you my favorites." He offers you with a gentle voice. 

Still, you hesitate."That's really kind, but I'm so slow at reading. I'll probably never finish it before I'm old." You tell him with a laugh.

He frowns at your statements. "Can you read?" You don't see that question coming at all. Was he insulting you? Or genuinely not sure?

"Uh, of course I can. Just not that great at sentences, and books, texts... You know... Educational stuff." You specify in shame.

There is pity in his eyes, which is replaced by understanding. "This is not, you know... Not necessary or anything-" It seems hard for him to articulate his point correctly. "-but I can help you read them better?" He stammers out, anxiety present in his tone. 

Another revenge opportunity! "I thought you had better things to do with your time than dedicate it all to training me?" You try to look as hurt as possible.

His face in full panic now. "No! No I didn't - that was before-"

You interrupt his overreaction by laughing. "I'm joking! I'm sorry!" Immediately you see his features relax and a smirk forming.

"Okay, you got me." He sighs, fake annoyed. 

You like this Kylo. And you really want to see more of him like this. "Sure, teach me how to read."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And I oop


	16. Normalcy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The beginning of the story takes place waaaaaaay before TFA. It'll be clear when the story from the movie picks up.

Training and/or dinner with Kylo is now your daily routine. Weeks pass, time flies, days blur into one another, however you want to put it. You have been here for quite a while. You still don't leave the base, but you have figured out that Starkiller base is located on a snowy planet. The type of planets you really, really like. Snow has always been your favorite weather. Sometimes you go to a specific top on the base just to view the scenery. Kylo was the one who showed you, purely by accident ~~(It was not)~~ after you told him one particular evening. To thank him, you 'accidentally' ran into him there once and 'reluctantly' watched the sun set on the horizon with him. 

Most of your free time you spend reading the books Kylo gave you. If you have trouble with something, you could always ask him for help in the evening. At some point, he even showed you how to write, just in case you might have a question you don't want to forget. The books he chose for you are mostly fiction, and you enjoy the Stars out of them. Especially the stories about ancient heroes. To thank him, you often stayed in his quarters after eating to read together with him. He really seems to appreciate your company, even if it's in silence. 

One day during training, Kylo finally gave back your lightsaber. You almost, almost, jumped in joy at the sight. Still your scream made Kylo roll his eyes. For "educational purposes only" he said. Then why were you allowed to keep it after training, hmmm? You thanked him with words, although you wish you used a hug. 

First you trained Form II with lightsabers, but once you got the hang of it you started training on Form III and Form V. So now you are able to deflect blaster bolts while sending them back to the one who shot it. Unfortunately you aren't allowed to use your saber when training with the Knights, so you didn't get to test your new skill with Kuruk just yet. Form V is an extension on Form II and III, so learning it together isn't that big of a deal. Kylo told you Form IV isn't something he can teach easily because it involves a lot of acrobatics. With his physical body, you can understand why it would be hard. Nevertheless, he found something to possibly help you. An ancient Jedi scripture all about Form IV. He uses it as a teaching book whenever you want to try the Form. 

Regarding your physical training, that goes pretty good as well. You still don't look forward to Ushar's inevitable pain tolerance training, but now that you think about it, it has been a while since you last had a training session with them. You've met four Knights in total. Kuruk, Ushar, Ap'lek, and Trudgen. The last one helps you stay fit in your whole body, and takes care of your armor when it breaks during training. They made a glave for you, as suggested by Ap'lek. It looks... Dangerous. 

Overall, your life is fairly good.

Sometimes, you almost forget you are training under monsters. But whenever you see General Hux ordering a squad of stormtroopers to blast a planet into submission, and to grab as many children as possible, your brain thinks logically once again.

And yet, whenever you spot Kylo all those intrusive thoughts seem to disappear. The humanity he shows you, the caring questions, the interest in you, all of it melts the hate you feel. It makes you overlook the horrors. You haven't seen his dark side in a while, nor do you want to bring it out. Every so often, after he had to consult Supreme leader Snoke, you saw a hint of the man that used to scare you. And every time he'd spend time with you, all that pain and anger withdraws like clouds before the sun. Being with him just feels... right. 

* * *

Kylo needs you, he has been craving someone like you. Someone to rely on, someone who he can be himself with. A person that can see him for who he truly is, not where he came from or who his parents are. Him, just him. He'd do anything to keep you by his side.

But as always, fate is never kind. Especially to him. 

This normalcy falls apart when Kylo Ren is issued for a mission. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Time for the angst train! Hop on my dudes!  
> Be prepared for story progression. Hope you enjoyed the small fluff (If you want some more domestic non-romantic fluff before what's going to happen, just let me know in the comments. I'll write is as a filler)


	17. The calm before the storm

"I'm going on a mission soon." he states nonchalantly while you try to catch your breath. Today you are yet again training with Kylo. Your first win against him was so close, but in the end he overpowered you easily. Probably because of the Force or something, not because you're still weaker than him or anything. 

With a frowned look up, you set your gaze in him. "When is soon?" You ask hesitantly. 

You notice he is not looking at you. Something is wrong. What exactly, your gut won't specify. "Possibly tomorrow morning." He answers truthfully. 

Okay, you feel a bit panicky. What's going to happen to you? Are you going with him on this mission? Are you staying here on Starkiller base? Would you still train with the Knights? If not, what are you going to do? How long will he be gone? Many thoughts are racing through your mind. You don't know what to ask him first.

"It'll be about a week, perhaps longer." He continues, noticing your silence. "Supreme leader Snoke wishes to meet you before I leave." His aura seems to change. Dark energy is coursing through the room. It makes your heart sink. During your time with Kylo, you've noticed one event that always seems to change his demeanor. Meeting with Snoke. It's almost as if he has to put up a front for Snoke, be someone he isn't. Sometimes you wonder if it's because he is scared of him. You never dared to ask. The other times his demeanor changes are when Kylo wears his visor. Once the mask is on, he becomes Commander Ren. But because he barely wears his visor around you, you don't see that side anymore. 

You shake your thoughts away, putting your attention back on Kylo. "I assume the Supreme leader wants to see me tonight?" You ask, trying to not look afraid. 

He nods, still not looking at you. "I will escort you to the Supremacy around 17:00. Meet me in the hangar. Don't be late." He tells you while he puts on his helmet. His head tilts slightly to you, staring in your fear-filled eyes, and within seconds he leaves you alone. 

You release a deep breath, anxiety filling your body. You need to prepare yourself for tonight, or Snoke might see things that aren't his to know.

* * *

You arrive in the hangar ten minutes before departure. In the distance you see General Hux talking to Captain Phasma, someone you haven't had the pleasure of meeting yet. If you had stirred up some trouble during your stay, she might have been the person to capture and deliver you to General Hux. Luckily for you, you have survival skills. You won't dare stirring up trouble if it results unfavorable for you. This is the reason you are still alive after all. 

In the corner of your eye, you see a black mass heading towards you. You turn around and as predicted it's Commander Ren. His voided visor still makes you uncomfortable. As if the Kylo you know doesn't exist anymore, not as long as he wears that mask.

"Head inside my ship." His vaguely familiar modulated voice instructs. "I'll join you shortly." 

You give him a quick bow. Yes, you hate the military bullshit, but you can't show everyone around you how close you and Kylo have become. 

Kylo seems to be discussing something with General Hux. From his body language, you realize it's about something unpleasant. For now, you ignore it and take your seat inside the ship. Shortly after you sit down, Kylo enters. Immediately you feel anger seeping out of him. You want to ask what his argument had been about. Out of nowhere, he punches the wall with full force. You freeze, the question dying on your lips. The modulated breathing unnerving you even more. You anxiously wait in silence for his next move. He murmurs something, you couldn't quite catch it, and heads to his piloting seat.

You try distracting yourself with your mind.

This is your first time on his ships, so you've never seen him fly before. During dinner, his face always lit up when he talks about flying. He promised to take you with him and show you Starkiller base from space. You always wanted to see space, discover new things, see the galaxies beauty. Your first time was supposed to be fun and lighthearted. How cruel fate is to you. 

You don't see the ship going into lightspeed nor arriving at the Supremacy. 

"We've arrived." Kylo says when standing in front of you. In surprise, you look around you. He beckons you to follow him, so you unclasp yourself from the seat and trail closely behind him. 

Nervously you play with your fingers, barely looking at your surroundings. You try to set up a barrier so reading your thoughts would be hard, but your anxiety prevents you from doing it correctly. Kylo is silently thinking the whole way. About what, you don't know. It makes you even more nervous. 

You arrive at an elevator. No doubt the entrance to the throne room. You swallow deeply and walk inside.

It's silent for a minute, and you try again to kill your anxious thoughts. This time you succeed, to your relief. 

Kylo's visor tilts to you. "Just..." He exhales deeply. "Don't resist him. It'll make the pain bearable." You can only wonder if he's speaking from experience. 

The elevator comes to a halt and its doors open, revealing a red throne room. In the distance you see him, Supreme leader Snoke in the flesh. Your breath is caught in your throat.

A deep voice breaks the silence. "Welcome," He announces your name. Immediately everything feels off. 


	18. Meeting the Leader Supreme

Every cell in your body screams that something is seriously wrong. That you need to run. You want to listen to your intuition, but Kylo is pushing you forward by your lower back. Running is a no go, especially when you're in a room with several Force-users. While trying your hardest to stay rooted in place, you glance at the Supreme leader himself. He wears a smile, yet it doesn't comfort you at all. Once you are close enough, you catch Kylo lowering himself on his knee. Gaze on the ground. You follow the movement, in case this is a standard procedure in front of the Supreme leader. 

"My, my. The student I heard so much about. Come closer dear, I promise I don't bite." He coos at you eerily. Your head slowly peers up, hesitation present in your features. Snoke gestures you to stand up, so you do as commanded.

Creeped out is the only way to describe what you feel at this exact moment, the apparent sweet words of the Supreme leader not comforting you in the slightest. Against your own judgment, you take a defensive step back.

His smile turns into a nasty grin. "Towards me, my dear." Still you show no sign of moving, you are frozen in place. The atmosphere almost hard to breathe in. He tuts at your unwillingness. "Perhaps you need a bit of encouragement."

Invisible tendrils slither around your limbs, immobilizing you completely. You were familiar with being pulled through the use of the Force, but it never felt like this with Kylo. Invasive, eerie, exhausting. Like a creature reeling in its prey, ready to devour you in its lair. How desperately you want this to be over soon. For the violation to be gone. 

Instantly you're floating in front of Snoke, still unable to move any of your limbs. Closing your eyes, you try your best to shut out the discomfort. Snoke laughs at your attempt of bravery. "Now, let's see who you really are, and why you caught the eye of my worthy apprentice." Here comes the mindreading. The barrier you put up immediately begins to crack, the pressure making you wince. "Open your mind dearie, and this won't hurt. Much." He laughs maliciously. 

Lies. All lies. The assault on your mind is the worst feeling you've ever experienced in your life. Kylo wasn't this bad back when he was digging through your memories. This is on a whole different level of torture. Not only is he going through your memories, but he's also unraveling all your emotions, all the scars. Breaking them all down and building them back up. You didn't know you were screaming throughout the whole ordeal nor aware of the tears streaming down your cheeks. 

After what felt like forever, he releases you. Like a broken doll, you remain on the ground sobbing while grabbing your head. The ringing in your ears deafening the room. 

Cackling echos in the open space. "My apprentice, why didn't you tell me she's Force-sensitive?"

 _Wait... What?..._ Did you hear him correctly or were you hallucinating? 

Kylo looks up straight towards Snoke. "I... I did not know." He claims hesitantly. 

Casually Snoke raises from his throne, not sparing your sobbing form a second look. He gradually walks over to Kylo. "You may not have seen it, but you definitely felt it. Why else would the great Kylo Ren take in a peasant orphan?" He comes to a stop, his grin forming into a frown. "Or did you feel pity for her? Allowing weakness to take over." He slightly raises his voice while accusing Kylo.

Abruptly Kylo stands up defensively. "No, never! I take your teachings to heart Master." He opposes the claim, hands clenching in his outburst. 

Snoke gives him an unimpressed stare. "Really? Spending quality time with your student isn't considered a weakness?" He sneers. "As her master, you need to distance yourself from emotions. Use the Dark Side in your teachings. Yet you didn't!" Yelling harder with each complaint.

The painful ringing starts subsiding, sound from your surroundings finally register once more in your head. You carefully sit up, face turning to Kylo. He and Snoke seem to be in a heated discussion. You try to focus your attention on their conversation.

"Since you are incompetent, I'll be her teacher in the Dark Side of the Force. While you are on your mission in the Outer Rim, I'll take her under my wing." He barks, heading in your direction. Alarmed by his stride, you try to crawl away from him. Suddenly you're stuck in place and your fear grows even more. Your eyes shoot to Kylo, hoping he would save you. But instead of aiding you, he stares to the ground in defeat. Your heart sinks, realization that you're on your own hitting you in the stomach. Desperately you struggle, but it's futile. 

Snoke points to one of his guards. "Bring the girl to her new quarters. And instruct someone to gather her belongings on Starkiller base. She will be staying here for a while." He orders them, forcing you to stand up with the Force. The guard grabs your arm and starts dragging you away.

"W-wait..." You utter out, your voice sounding hoarse from screaming. An unsuccessful attempt, since Snoke doesn't even acknowledge your protest. 

_Please... Don't leave me here..._ You make a final attempt to communicate with your mind. 

After being pushed in the elevator, you hear Kylo respond to your plea. _I'm sorry._


	19. Darker Days

You can't recall how long you've been on the Supremacy. Days, weeks, a month. Time has become a blur. It isn't the weird day-night cycle messing you up, it's Snoke. How he inflicts pain and torture unto you, manipulating your own perception using the Force. Tempting you with the Dark Side. To his frustration, you would not bite. What he doesn't understand is that you can't. You aren't intentionally resisting. There is just no call, from neither side. But the claim was never given attention. To make you break, Snoke used even more sinister ways. Bringing you close to death multiple times, ordering you to hurt others with the Force, influencing your memories. None compliance was met with punishment. 

Today you resisted hurting an innocent prisoner once again, so you are being disciplined. All your senses have been taken away from you, except hearing to allow the verbal abuse to come through. 

"So much potential, yet so stubborn. I want to give you greatness and you throw it back into my face?! You don't deserve the power you possess!" You're unaware where the yelling is coming from, but the voice definitely sounds like Snoke. It rings all around you and echos in your head. Tuning out is impossible, you have nothing else to pay attention to. 

"I should have known you were a waste of resources. General Hux should have disposed of you after Ren had finished the interrogation. Perhaps I'll force Ren to eradicate you, as a punishment for your inadequacy!" He screams out. 

_No! Don't!_ Is the only thing you can muster in your mind. Kylo doesn't deserve more pain because of you. He's the only one treating you like a person, an equal. 

It stays quiet for a while, the silence calming you down. You wonder if it's over. But you are proven wrong.

"You hold Kylo Ren to such high regard, don't you?" The sentence comes out like a hiss, almost inhuman. "Should I remind you of all the harm he's brought to you? Or do you deliberately try to forget it? Do you actually care about him?"

You don't like where this is going. 

"Wasn't it Kylo Ren who came after you, hunting you down in that pathetic forest? Did he not force you to choose between certain death or joining an organization you want no part of?" With each sentence, you see flashbacks appear of those moments. Not necessarily reliving them, but more the emotions in those events. The hate, anger, frustration, pain, fear. All directed to Kylo. "Handing you over to his Knights, which are known to be ruthless. Uncaring about their hard hand on you." Old scars ache at his words, the pain resurfacing. "How he doesn't respect the deal you both made. Pushing you to spend time with people you view as monsters." You want to beg him to stop, still talking is impossible. "And worse of all, betraying your trust by not saving you from me."

_Liar._

He chuckles at your denial. "Stop trying to deny it. Kylo Ren knows of my harsh training, he had to endure it himself." Abruptly the laughing stops. "It's all his fault you have to suffer through this. If it weren't for him, you would still be on your home planet living a peaceful life." 

Conflict starts to arise inside you. The good memories you shared with Kylo pushing the hatred away. But once the scorn had been planted, it is hard to get rid of. Its existence helping you to keep your disdain for the First Order alive. Yet Kylo was warming up to you and you swore to yourself that he is the only exception. 

"Admit it, he ruined your life! You know it to be true!" Snoke's yelling replaces your thoughts. 

_No, he didn't._

"You still believe your own lies? Must I remind you of his despicable deeds again?!" Your vision gets overtaken by flashbacks once more, this time they seem different. Darker. Action that didn't happen added in the memories, you couldn't tell the change though. What you see and feel seems real to you. Events like Ren taking out his anger on you, beating you into submission. Torturing you for information. Explicitly ordering his Knights to not show mercy on you. 

You try to resist, holding onto the belief they aren't real. Still they keep on repeating, the pain never leaves you. 

It goes on for what seems like hours, breaking you a bit more each second. Reality and manipulation blending together. You surrendered to it a while ago. 

Finally the torment ends. All your senses return in a crashing way, making you suffer a bit more. You don't know when you started crying, only that the tears still flow. In your peripheral vision, you see Snoke's robe. 

In a low voice he speaks to you. "Who's fault is it you have to suffer?" 

A painful sob leaves your lips. You murmur a name softly.

Snoke lowers on his knees, coming closer to hear your answer. "Say it again, my dear."

"Ren... It's all Ren's fault." You whimper quietly. 

A malicious grin forms on Snoke's face, pleased with your response. "Indeed it is."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Angst all the way. It's all about story progression baby!


	20. What doesn't kill you...

The Dark Side of the Force. It allows Force-users to draw power from intense emotions; such as fear, anger, hatred, passion, and aggression. Many describe it as an easy way to use the Force, a more tempting way. Yet for people like you, who feel compassion towards others, it drains you. Using it leaves you with a general feeling of wrongness. You don't belong there. And neither at the light. Never did you notice a pull. If you could avoid it, you would use neither. No emotion was intense or controlled enough. 

But you have no choice. Whenever you don't call upon the Dark Side of the Force during training, you'd get punished severely. Just so you would get the 'motivation' back. 

Getting the hang of certain powers came effortlessly; like mindreading without others being aware of it, levitation, enhancing your own senses, mind-tricks, and more. Mastering it all would take a long time, but if needed it got the job done. 

Even with all this power and exciting training opportunities, you feel like a shell of yourself. Using the Dark Side is holding you back, you know this. Still, Snoke won't listen to you, believing it to be the strongest way of using the Force. You just have to submit to it. So you gave up. All you want is for the suffering to end. Go back to at least a bit of normalcy in your life. Preferably far away from Snoke's control. 

Yet facing Ren seems like an even worse option. Every time you see his face in your mind, hate grows together with the urge to kill him. If you are presented with the choice of either never seeing Ren again or destroying the First Order, you would choose the former. You tried to correct your view many times, but rationality disappears in the face of fear and pain. 

Now all that remains is training until the Supreme Leader is satisfied with your progress. Once it's sufficient, you'll go on missions. What a time to look forward to.

* * *

You are falling.

It never ends.

You try to hold on, yet you keep slipping back into the unending depth. 

Everything is wrong, out of balance. You want it back, you need it back. 

Why can't you hold on anymore?

* * *

A loud pounding wakes you from a deep slumber, leaving you exhausted. Almost like you weren't sleeping before. Groggily you sit up.

"Transport Corps for Starkiller base leave in 30 minutes. Don't be late." A random stormtrooper informs you behind your door. 

Annoyed you let out a groan. Today you go back to Starkiller, all ready to aid Commander Ren and General Hux on an important mission using your new skills. Yippie ~~_sarcasm_~~.

To say you aren't looking forward to this is an understatement. You are aware Hux doesn't like you, probably has something to do with the fact that he never got to ~~torture~~ interrogate you before joining the First Order. After all, you did kill like five battalions, reflecting badly on him.

But worse of all, facing Ren. The monster that haunts your nightmares. Sometimes you swear you saw a Ren shaped shadow in the corner of your eyes. Every so often his voice too. Like he is haunting you ~~(like a ghost perhaps, har har)~~. The thought gives you shivers. 

You put on your armor and mask, ready to go. They barely brought any of your stuff from Starkiller base, so you don't need to carry anything with you. Your lightsaber will be waiting for you in your old room. An ache in your hand reminding you how you missed it. 

Time to go home...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> https://starwars.fandom.com/wiki/Dark_side_of_the_Force


	21. Here we are again

After an hour you arrive at your destination. Something you weren't capable of before is your ability to sense Ren's Force signature. It's heavy and dark, like a dead weight. How he is able to withstand it is beyond you. 

Slowly the Transport Corp is landing on the hangar. You take one last look at the snow outside you missed so much and prepare yourself for what is to come. 

Once the door opens, you notice a few 'troopers along with General Hux and of course Commander Ren waiting for you to descend. As you walk down the ramp you clear your mind, morphing into the assassin you're expected to be. No emotions, all discipline. 

General Hux seems to be impressed with your change of demeanor. "Looks like training with Snoke salvaged your worth. I understood you'll be aiding us on a political envoy at Kaddak. Details will be discussed later." After giving him a respectful nod he leaves, deserting you with Ren. 

Instead of looking towards Ren, you set your gaze forward with your hands behind your back. Awaiting instruction. It stays quiet for a while until his modulated voice speaks up. "It has been a while. How have you been?" Soft flows of concern radiates from him. You choose to ignore it.

"My training in the Force made me into a valuable asset to assist you and General Hux in missions when needed. I'm eager to reinforce you during the mission on Kaddak." You answer Ren emotionlessly. You feel a twitch when he moves in front of you, observing your foreign behavior. Still you stare forward, eyes glazed. 

_You've changed. How?_ Is what you hear inside Ren's mind. Every thought inside of you blames him, telling him he's the monster who allowed it to happen. But your heart, your soft and caring heart, yearns to be with him. Longing for the simple days where the two of you ate dinner, sharing your opinions about a new book, or just quietly gaze upon the snowy forest of Ilum. This conflict is getting to you. Tearing you apart. 

"If you'll excuse me, I'd like to rest in my quarters for a while. I'll see you at the meeting." You say quickly, giving a bow before walking away to escape the situation. Leaving behind a shocked Kylo Ren. The last thing you feel from him is an ember of rage, unaware of the origin.

* * *

This is your first time in a meeting with Captains and Officers. More like your first meeting ever. In your training times, Ren never took you along to these ' tedious assemblies ' as he called it. Something you definitely didn't mind, considering they were probably plotting genocide or anything else that is horrible. And now that you're a part of these, it makes you feel even more like a shadow of your former self. 

"Now that everyone has arrived, I'll begin this meeting," Hux states, giving his full attention to the people sitting in front of him. Except for you and Ren, who choose to remain standing. "As most of you know, Kaddak measures against the Republic has aided us in our growth immensely. In order to keep solidifying our alliance, we have to organize a rally for the people. Showing them our appreciation and promising a prosperous future to all our allies."

His gaze turns toward you. "Your role in this, Ghost, is to take out any Republic sympathizers and possible Resistance members that show up. According to our sources, they have been festering for a while now. Sowing doubt in our allies' minds, planning a terrorist attack on First Order properties." The venom in Hux's voice gets more apparent. This must anger him a lot. An authoritative figure like him probably dislikes anyone who threatens his hold on the precious subjects. "When Ren and I present our speech, you will be scanning the area for potential threats."

After his instructions for you, his attention goes back to the others. Whatever they're discussing doesn't interest you in the slightest, so you zone out.

This peace in your mind is interrupted by the heavy emotions coming from Ren. You feel him reaching out, but you block it. 

_Stay out of my head._ You hiss venomously inside your mind. Hopefully, he got the message. 

When it's almost over, Hux shows your position in the area, the suspicious alleyways, and exits. You save them in your holopad to study it later this evening. 

"The meeting is dismissed. We leave the day after tomorrow at 06:00. Lateness will not be tolerated." And with that, Hux exits the room followed by his subordinates. 

You want to follow suit, but the exit closes in your face abruptly. Letting out an annoyed sigh, you turn yourself to the only other person who possesses the power to do this. Lo and behold, Ren's hand is outstretched towards the exit. Instead of lowering the hand, he reaches for his mask. Exposing his face to you. It always takes your breath away. Before it was in awe, now it's in fear. You prefer his visor, at least you won't have to see his expressions that way.

"I wanted to talk to you. In private." He explains. Oh, how you simultaneously missed his voice and dreaded hearing it. Conflict once more brewing up inside of you. On instinct, you set it aside. Shutting off your emotions immediately. 

"Does it have anything to do with the mission?" You ask him respectfully, remaining professional. 

His eyebrows crease, showing his confusion. "No-"

"Then I have nothing to discuss with you, Commander Ren." You interrupt him, displaying your unwillingness to talk. 

Clearly not happy with your reply, he grabs your arm before you could leave. "What happened? Ever since you're back you have been avoiding me, barely looking at me." The pain in his tone breaks your heart. You let your eyes glaze over since it is his only access to your emotional state. "You won't even call me Kylo." He continues, clearly affected by your new attitude. 

Gently you remove his hand from your arm. "I have nothing to say to you." You tell him once more, letting your hate wave out. Never showing it. 

This time he lets you leave, silenced by your words. As you exit the room, you hear his leather gloves clench. While walking away, you overhear Ren yelling and trashing the place. 

Strained tears roll down your cheeks.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was hard to write. None the less, I hope you enjoy this chapter!


	22. Mission political envoy Kaddak

Being back is hard. Ren tried to speak with you a few times yesterday, inviting you for dinner and such. You avoided each situation, not wanting to face him anymore. Because if you do, he won't be pleased with your confrontation. It would get ugly quick. 

Good thing you were able to distract yourself by practicing on your own in a vacant training room. It had been a long time since you had used your trusty treasure. Holding it still makes you feel at ease. Besides, preparing yourself for a mission never does any harm. 

Tomorrow comes quickly. Yet another distraction so you can avoid confrontation with Ren. It won't last though. Now that you are back, training will continue. Plus more because of your new Force abilities. There are no other Force-users anyway, except Ren. So the options are limited. 

Everyone who was present in the meeting boards the Command shuttle, including you. The Knights aren't joining, most likely because they have other matters to attend to. Since Ren is piloting, you won't have to sit next to him. At least you could relax a little before the mission, while also strengthening your connection to the Force. You have to be ready on all fronts, no surprises tolerated. What else are you supposed to do during this four-hour flight anyway? 

* * *

As the ship comes out of hyperspace, you observe the planet from the window. Whilst slowly descending into the atmosphere, a giant pink crystal comes into view. You read about it when prepping for the mission, but seeing it in person is completely different. Never in your life have you seen anything like this. If it wasn't for the people on this ship, you would be awestruck. Eventually the settlement, called The Sliver, appears around the crystal. This is where the rally will take place, in the center of it all. 

Once on the ground, we're greeted by people in First Order uniform you don't recognize. Of course, General Hux does.

"Agent Terex, delighted to see you. I assume all is under control in the Ranc gang?" His voice sickly sweet. It sounds so fake, yet people believe it to be innocent. Having charisma probably benefits the position of General. Still, it amuses you that you can hear the disdain for Terex in Hux's mind. One good thing about mind-reading, you always know people's real intentions. 

"Who do ya think ya're talking to?" He bellows loudly, earning an eye roll from Hux. "I've neva let ya down before, did I Hux?"

You could feel the tension already before the words leave his mouth. "Is that so? Then how come those Resistance scum were allowed to rise in your settlement?" 

This makes Terex drop his amused attitude. Nervousness seeping out of him. "Come on, Hux. Those are minor problems. Rats like em will eventually crawl out of their hole."

"I expected you to fix it immediately. Not wait until they show themselves. If they do, it's already too late." The tone in Hux's voice is ice-cold, which doesn't go unnoticed by Terex. You notice him swallowing deeply, fear radiating off of him. His mind is freaking out. 

After the painful silence, Hux speaks up again. "Since you can't fix these minor problems yourself, I've taken my own liberty for protection during the rally." He explains while gesturing to you. "Meet the Shadow of Ren, student to Kylo Ren." 

Carefully Terex extends his hand to you. "Nice to meet ya, miss." You feel the anxiety in his words. The nervous smile on his face verifying your intuition. 

Instead of returning the handshake, you give a short nod. The smile drops and so does his hand. He shoots a quick respectful bow to Ren, before speaking up again. "Well, the crowd is waiting for ya'll! Better give em a good show." Hiding his fear behind a laugh. He gestures everyone to follow him, so without delay we do.

* * *

In about 10 minutes your group arrives at the plaza. As informed by Terex, there's already a crowd waiting. Everywhere you see banners with the First Order insignia, decorations too.

 _These people really view the First Order as saviors._ You think bitterly, their excitement overwhelming you. 

The group begins to split up to take up their tasks. You see it as your cue to go as well. 

As you search for a quiet spot that oversees the rally, you pull up your hood. Blending in the crowd and concealing your identity has never been easier with the Force. If only you were aware of these powers back on your home planet. Maybe then you wouldn't have been captured by Ren.

 _No! Focus!_ After shaking the thoughts away, you notice how The Sliver has different levels. Positioning yourself at a higher level might be beneficial to observation. Another benefit to the Force, jumping up makes you reach places you were unable to reach in the past. It doesn't take long before you find the perfect spot. You lean against a wall casually as a way to blend in. 

When General Hux and Commander Ren appear on stage, the crowd goes wild. Immediately you block out the noise and focus on the energy of everyone present, scanning through their intentions. The emotions that front the most are excitement, happiness, joy, and admiration. Slowly you tune them out, putting your focus on negative emotions. 

Nothing particular catches your attention, so instead of the crowd, you focus on the nearby alleyways. A tiny amount of contempt is floating around in a back-alley, not nearby the plaza. You wonder if it would important enough to investigate. You take a quick look at the crowd, then towards Ren to send him a mental message. Hoping he heard your explanation, you set off to discover the origin of the contempt. It could be nothing, but you don't want to take the risk. 

Silently you stalk between the shacks, concealing your presence to not alert your target. When you come closer to the origin, you feel other emotions. Nervousness, dislike, along with the contempt. You pick up stress as well. Clearly something suspicious going on. You root yourself against a wall. Behind its corner, you hear your targets whispering to one another. They seem to be young adult human males. You take a peek of what they are doing. They appear to be moving metal boxes clattered in warning signs. When you heighten your hearing sense the word explosives comes up in conversation. Then it dawned on you, they are preparing a terrorist attack. Thousands of innocents are going to get caught in the blast, not just First Order members. 

With an air of threat, you appear from around the corner, slowly walking towards them. Meanwhile you feed anger to yourself, getting in tune with the dark side. One of the guys notice you and immediately draws his blaster on you. Your steps come to a halt.

"Stop! Don't come any closer!" The brown-haired guy shouts directly to you, the young boy following suit. You see them take the safety of their blasters. "Are you with the First Order?" He questions you threateningly. 

Instead of answering, you just stare straight at them. You feel the panic waving of them.

"Answer me! Or I'll shoot!" The guy tries again. 

With a flick of your hand, you send his partner flying into a ditch. While he rushes to him, you activate your lightsaber. Its white light creating an eerie look on you. 

Their friend is passed out. Furiously he screams, shooting with his blaster at you. His aim is bad, likely from the uncontrolled anger. Dodging it is childs play. Still he continues his firing, blinded by his rage. The moment you move in front of him, you slice his arm off with precision. Desperately clutching the wound, he wails in agony. During his distress, you destroy the blaster still held in his dismembered limb.

His young partner appears to be waking up, so you point the edge of your saber at the brown-haired guy's neck. Ready to kill him when needed. He tries to crawl away, but it's futile. 

"You will give me the answers I seek, or your friend dies." You spit out, fueled with anger.

That look in his eyes, they reflect the determination you used to have. "The Resistance will not be intimidated by you." He declares to you. In a flash, his blaster shoots at you. Time seems to move slowly as you ready your lightsaber to deflect the shot. You hold your breath as you see the shot bouncing off your blade, away from you. If you had been a second too late, you would have been shot in the chest. A breath of relief leaves your lungs. Your breather gets interrupted by a mournful cry. When you deflected the bolt, it hit his partner instead. A sinking feeling develops in your heart. You didn't mean to kill him like that, it was an accident.

 _Always finish the mission._ The words kill the remorse inside of you, distancing yourself from the situation. 

You raise your hand, lifting the sobbing young boy of the ground. "If you won't tell me, I'll dig them out your mind instead." Instantly you take ahold of his mind, searching through his memories. The pained yelling becoming a distant sound. 

They were childhood friends. It had always been them against the world. Not too long ago, the First Order allied with the Ranc gang, taking over control and enforcing their regulations. Freedom taken away from everyone. Propaganda brainwashed most citizens, but not their families. Agent Terex took notice of this, informing the Order of the insubordination. Framing them as Republic sympathizers. Their parents hid them, and all of their siblings as well. Stormtroopers snatched them from their homes, performing a public execution. The boys swore revenge. And their plea had been answered. One night, at a local bar, a Resistance member conspired with a few locals. They approached him, hoping to join the Resistance. He told them they were too young. Still, he planted an idea inside their heads. 'Hit the Order where it hurts most.' Was his advice before setting off. A few weeks later, an announcement about a First Order rally appeared. They saw that as their chance to strike, to hit them where it hurt most.

You release the boy, drained from what you saw. He resembles the former you. A kid unwillingly dragged into a war, hoping to save people from the dreaded First Order. 

_How many more lives will the First Order ruin??_

He isn't Resistance, nor a Republic spy. If you brought him to General Hux, who knows what he would do to get answers. Even if they weren't the truth. "Leave." You huff out monotonously. He gives you a confused look, unaware of the anguish behind them. "I won't tell you again." You hiss out fiercely. That made him get up quickly. As he grabs his deceased friend, you switch off your lightsaber. A hollow feeling replaces your forced anger. Like a zombie, you walk back to the plaza. You spot an officer who handles explosion threats. 

"Report, Shadow of Ren." He states.

"I've found unattended metal boxes, possibly containing explosives. I'll lead the way." You explain, faking your calm attitude. 

He turns around and gestures to a couple of stormtroopers nearby. "Explosives have been found, we'll need to investigate." He instructs them. 

You feel like someone is watching you. Confused you look around, finding Ren's visor on you. A chill goes down your spine. 

_Does he know?_ You panic a bit. But as briefly as he looks at you, he focuses back on Hux's speech. 

This whole situation won't be the end of it. 


	23. Mission Failed Successfully

On the location, you present the facts, leaving out the two boys you found with the boxes. While stormtroopers are searching the area, droids inspect the boxes. After the scans, they signal that there are indeed explosives inside them. Enough to blow up the whole plaza. With further inspection the droids discover Ranc gang logos on the boxes, indicating it's their property. How two young adult boys were able to steal and smuggle explosives from the Ranc gang is beyond you. If the First Order didn't kill them, the gang certainly would. 

Unable to find the other owners of said boxes, they write it off as Ranc gang business. For Now. Why they don't blink an eye if it's from them, you have no idea. Yes, they are allies, but a box of explosives in a sketchy back alley? When Hux knows of this predicament, they will definitely have to answer for it. 

You leave the rest to the officers. Nothing else you can do at this moment. Still you hope your secret stays hidden. If anyone were to find out you let them go, you would hang for it. And if Snoke finds out, torture. You shake the thought away. The only person that might know is Ren, which isn't a better option. Nervously, you bite your lip. Good thing you have a mask, nobody can see your stress if your face is covered. 

Out of nowhere, you bump into something. Better yet, someone. The person you really didn't want to see right now is in front of you, holding you steady. When you find your footing again, he lets go of your arm. 

You hear a small chuckle coming from him. "Where are you off to in such a hurry?" He questions you teasingly. At least he's still wearing his visor. If you would see his smile together with that teasing tone, you might just lose it. It was the damn smile that made you open up to him, allowing him access to the deepest part of yourself. Never again.

Putting up a composed front, you reply. "During my inspection with the Force, I found abandoned containers. They looked suspicious, so I called upon an officer to inspect said boxes. Now that they are handling the situation, I decided to go back to my previous position." You swallow down a gulp, anxiously waiting for his reaction. 

A quiet emotionless hum makes you tense up. _Did he know you were holding something back? Why isn't he saying anything?_

"Mission is over." He speaks up abruptly, the tone dull. Nothing radiating off him to indicate his mood. "Head back to the ship, I'll see you there." 

As he walks away, you let your shoulders relax. But your unease is still in the back of your mind. Getting a read on Ren seems impossible and the only way to actually know is to read his mind. Knowing your limits, it's futile currently. He would know in an instant if you tried. 

Slowly you make your way back to the Command Shuttle, ready to leave this mission behind. Turbulent energy greets you the closer you get. The moment you see a person's silhouette, you recognize this angry energy. General Hux, ranting to Terex. When you arrive, you hear what it is about.

"You insolent fool! You mean to tell me you had no idea a bunch of explosives had been stolen?! From right under your nose!" He is seething, clearly done with Terex. 

"I swear ya Hux, it won't happen again. Ma men are looking for em as we speak." Agitation rising in Terex's voice. The guy must be fearing for his life right now.

The answer earns him a glare from Hux. "I've been disappointed before Agent Terex and my patience is running low. If they aren't snuffed out by the end of tomorrow, I will personally arrange your 'departure' from the First Order." A grin forming on his face.

Flashes of a humiliating execution seep inside your mind, Terex being the one undergoing it. Hux doesn't scare you, but his sadistic mind did. With his position, anything he wants can be arranged. 

Terex's fear-filled eyes meet your cold ones, just now noticing your presence. "O-oh, Miss Shadow of Ren, I didn't see ya back there!" He tries to laugh, but it comes out strained. Hux turns towards you as well. 

"Ren send you back?" 

You give him a curt nod.

He quickly looks you up and down. "Very well. Head inside, the others will arrive soon." Waving his hand, he dismisses you. Taking the hint, you leave the two men alone. It isn't your business anyway. 

You take your seat and try to tune in to the Force, hoping it could clear your mind and avoid any presence in your area. Memories of the boys flash before your eyes, making your heart ache. Projecting yourself on them was a mistake. It made you weak, vulnerable. Everything Snoke tried torturing out of you, forcing you into the dark side. Fear fills you when you think about the possibility of him finding out about this disaster. 

How long until you break? How long do you need to suffer through this pain? Will you ever be free? If you are, could you ever go back to the person you were before? 

_A hero? HA! Your only position in this war is being a puppet for others to control, to use._ Another reminder from Snoke that you don't belong to yourself anymore. 

A single tear falls from your mask, creating a small spot on your underclothing. Unknown to you, Ren is kneeling in front of your seated figure, observing. He feels your distress. On instinct his hand reaches out, but he stops himself. You dislike it when he goes through your mind without your consent. He still remembers you saying it when the two of you were stargazing from his favorite spot. Not wanting to disturb you, he leaves you alone. But he knows the reason for your tears, and it infuriates him he can't do anything to help you. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Have the late shift this week, so no regular updates


	24. Force almighty

The debrief went by in a blur, though the same words keep repeating over and over inside your head. "I am pleased with your performance today Ghost. I'll send my praise to Snoke."Unnerved is putting it mildly. This is what he wanted, for you to succeed and become the puppet you were meant to be all along. Even if you failed, there would be another mission. After a reconditioning of course. 

Taking solace in the Force doesn't work anymore either. It has forsaken you. Somehow, you don't blame it. You've become the same thing you were once fighting against. A creature in a mask. Each time you use the dark side, you feel drained instead of empowered. Why couldn't you just accept it? 

Your mindless thinking comes to a halt when you notice the door of your quarters. With a sigh, you enter. Everything feels heavy. Ready to wash away the suffering, you enter your refresher. You take a quick glance in the mirror, seeing your mask staring back at you. Carefully you remove it. You hope to see yourself again, but your reflection feels foreign. Since when do reflections change?

You gently remove the armor and underclothes, eager to move into the shower. As you get more naked, several scars reveal themselves. Some from your past, most from your present. Training scars, healed burns, and so on. The ugliest were created during your time with Snoke. Softly you trace your finger on the one near your heart. An echo of the pain lingering. Often you wonder if he would have killed you, seeing as you resisted him for weeks. 

Showering didn't help still your mind. Perhaps sleep could if the nightmares stay away. 

"You have been avoiding me." The sudden modulated voice snaps you from your daze. 

You hold your heart in an attempt to steady it. "Kriffing hell, don't you know how to knock?" You whisper-yell, the sentence coming out strained. 

No laugh like you expected. Brushing off his teasing is easy. A serious Ren will use his position to keep you in the conversation. 

Your face turns into a grimace, not liking this one bit. "If you can pay attention to the situation, I was about to sleep. My first mission was tiring and since you insist on training me again, I would like to get significant rest." In a cool demeanor, you try to dismiss him. 

With a strong tug, he rips his visor away. Letting it clatter on the floor. His eyes hold a flame of different emotions, all clashing. You can't help but stare right into them. When you try to look away, his energy hits you. Pulling you towards him, not allowing you to release your stare from his features.

"Don't you dare renounce me! Ever since you're back, you've been pushing me away! And worse of all, you won't even tell me why..." He falls silent. If the turmoil in his emotions doesn't express his distress, his body language certainly does the trick. He takes a step forward, closer into your personal space. Once a welcome place to him, now repulsed of the intrusion. In an instant he observes the change in you, halting his advancing. 

No longer can you contain the venom in your voice. "I have nothing to say to you." Repeating yourself, you hiss out. Still you hold back the hate. Showing him any more would be a weakness. 

Carefully he looks at you, searching for something. His face softens in understanding. "It's Snoke, isn't it?" He asks you tenderly. It threatens to crack your resolve. "You don't have to suffer through this. I promise this will stay between us. You're not alone-"

That does it. "IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT!" You scream out, creating a rampant ripple within the Force. Making your walls shake from the pressure. 

Your outburst baffles him. And when your words finally settle in, he looks troubled. "I don't understand." 

This made you snort. "You don't understand?" You sound like sweet poison, ready to corrode him. "Let me enlighten you, my dear Commander."

Unable to think rationally, you continue with your tirade. "It was you who captured me, taken me prisoner, and pressuring me to make a choice between death or being a pawn!"

"I wouldn't have actually killed you." He defends himself, slowly getting more agitated.

Now you couldn't contain your laughter. "So you mean to actually tell me you would have released me if I kept on refusing your offer? Even with the risk of dying." 

He looks away for a minute, frustration forming on his face. "Not exactly. I had this feeling, perhaps even a vision. There was something about you, I wanted to know what it meant. So yes, I bluffed about killing you. But you wouldn't have joined me if I didn't take such a drastic measure!" He tries to sound reasonable, even with the upset clear as day. 

The answer makes you disconcerted. "You made me go through torment because you had a hunch?!" To say you are furious is putting it mildly. "How entitled do you have to be to think that is okay?!" Unbeknown to you, your elevating anger caused a disturbance in the Force. Several of your items begin to float in place, all aiming at Ren. 

Quickly he examines the ruckus you're forming. Noting your dangerous energy, he focusses back on you. Delicately approaching you once more. "Not a hunch." He speaks softly, hoping to lessen your fury. "The Force." 

You stay quiet for a bit, allowing him to continue. Your glare never leaving him. "It brought us together for a reason. This - Our connection, you must feel it too." He holds his hands up defensively when you tense up.

While swallowing down a gulp, you shake your head. "I don't know what you are talking about." You look at him confused, skeptical about his explanation. 

He doesn't back down. "Sometimes, I can hear you. It's fleeting, but I know it's your voice. Every so often, I swear I see you appear before me as a shadow."

 _He saw you too?_ Bewildered by his explanation, you turn away to think. 

"So you have the same experience?" He answers your thought, making you snap your face back to him. 

No, he cannot do that. He can't justify your suffering because of a trick the Force is playing on you. "Don't change the subject! How do I know if you're not manipulating the Force to get inside my head?!" You retaliate bitterly. 

The accusation pains him, for you to think so low of him. "Why would I go through all that trouble to get you on my side?" He shoots back, his own anger starting to get the best of him. 

"How can I trust my enemy?" You counter his argument. 

As sudden as his anger appeared, it cools back down. The hurt clear in his eyes. "I thought we were growing beyond that." Defeat heavy in his voice, threatening to break through his walls. 

Memories of all the good times you two shared seep into your mind. Those aren't your memories, but Ren's. 

You clutch your face, pushing it out of your head. Tears welling up, out of frustration and agony. "If it wasn't for you, I wouldn't have to go through all this misery... I don't even know who I am anymore." Your voice breaks with each sentence. As your hate turns into grief, your grip on the Force disappears dropping all of the items which were floating. 

The ache in your heart is felt by Ren too. He wants to hold you, stroke your hair, and promise you to relieve you of this pain. But how can he heal you, when he himself is broken?

You turn away from him, unable to face him any longer. "I hate you." You cry out quietly. He hears it. 

There are still so many things he wants to talk with you about, but he can only muster one sentence. "I'm sorry." A gentle pronunciation of your name ending the conversation, almost unrecognizable to you.

You don't know when he left, and you don't care. All that matters is that you are alone. You curl up inside your bed, wishing for this day to be over. 

* * *

Aboard the Supremacy, a pleased Snoke carries an accomplished smirk on his face.

"All goes as planned."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If I suffer, you suffer!
> 
> heads up, next chapter is a time skip and about a mission with you and Kylo working as a team. After that, some more plot-driven chapters will be uploaded.  
> And not too long until a shift from angst to care ;)


	25. Team Work, Team Blurk

Ever since your heavy conversation with Ren, he has been distant. You are aware he wants to talk again but is restraining himself. Somewhere deep beneath the surface, you regret saying 'I hate you'. Because if you have to be honest with yourself, it wasn't all his fault. You are to blame as well for your mistakes. He did treat you as a human being in the time you were together, genuinely interested in you as a person. Still, forgiveness is a lifetime away.

Training goes on as professional as it could be. No longer do you have dinner together. 

The loneliness weighs heavy on you, making you aware of the screams in your head. And finding solace in the Force is still not an option. 

Weeks go by like this. Then one particular day during sparring, Ren informs you of a new mission. 

"I need you as a backup on a First Order assigned mission." He states as he shuts off his lightsaber, ending today's training.

As you stretch, you look towards Ren furrowing your eyebrows. "I need more details than that, Commander Ren." 

After he puts on his helmet, he turns back to you while crossing his arms. "There have been signs of a possible switch in sides on an allied planet called Dandoran. We have been assigned to confront a suspected traitor. Since you can read minds without being detected, as well as notice minor changes in emotions, I decided to bring you along. Putting your talents to use for a change."

Ren is bad at complementing. So being aware of his awkward social ways, you are taken aback, your eyes slightly going wider. "I see. Thank you for granting me this opportunity, Commander. I'll make sure to reach your expectations." You reply coolly, hoping it conceals your delight. Finally, a new mission to discover the improvement of your skills. It still irks you this will benefit the First Order, but you can't help but be proud of yourself to realize your dream. Becoming a capable fighter in order to hopefully become a great hero.

"I expect you on the hangar around 10:00 tomorrow. We won't stay there for long, so no need to bring anything else besides battle gear." With that he finishes the conversation, leaving you alone in the training room. 

After this news, you don't want to stop training. Instead you decide to contact Ap'lek so you can discuss the mission with them. Prepping yourself doesn't hurt nobody, after all. 

* * *

It's 09:30 the next day. Eager to start the mission, you fidgety await Ren's arrival. Yes, you are early, but waiting another 30 minutes in your room really doesn't appeal to you. Besides, you already went over possible scenarios you thought up with Ap'lek about four times. Doing that a fifth time would be overkill. 

An all to familiar stride brings you back from your mind, annoyingly ready to disturb you. 

"Shadow of Ren, how delightful to see you."

With a sigh, you turn to Hux. "General Hux." You reply indifferently, giving him a quick bow.

His smirk always rubs you the wrong way, you never know what it initially means. "I heard you will be going on a mission with Ren today? Dandoran I presume, correct me if I'm wrong." He asks you in that sickly sweet tone. Hux is definitely up to something.

You nod, hoping to politely show him you aren't looking for a conversation right now. 

It won't stop him though. Casually he leans in your personal space, muttering something only for you to hear. "Snoke was satisfied with your success. Expect a solo mission soon." Your eyes meet his face, a grin placed on his mouth. Good thing you are wearing your gear, otherwise he might have seen you affected by those remarks. 

"Have a wonderful mission, Ghost." 

Unable to say anything back, you watch as he continues his duties. 

_Mind games. He's just playing mind games with me._ You try to convince yourself. Yet the anxiety you feel doesn't want to leave. 

Once again, you hear a familiar stride. Only this time a welcome one. "Let's depart to Dandoran." Ren directs, already heading into his ship.

_Here we go._

* * *

Dandoran reminds you of your home planet. Lots of lush forests, many different trees. The way they differ is the number of lakes and bodies of water. 

The planet is currently in its night cycle, two beautiful moons reflecting upon the water surrounding your area. A sizable shack taking up the isolated place. This is the home of our target. Like Ren explained on your flight here, Duran might be suspicious if they'd show up with his Knights or stormtroopers. Just a master and his student will look less threatening. 

Ren bashes a certain rhythm on the entrance, indicating our arrival. A Human-Mirialan hybrid male opens the door slightly, peering through the gap with his brown eyes. 

"Duran." Ren says dryly. 

Recognizing him, he opens the door completely. "Kylo Ren, what's with the sudden visit?" His eyes fall on you. "And who is this?" He asks, an air of suspicion surrounding him.

"First Order business." Ren puts his hand on your back softly. The touch sending shivers down your spine. "This is my student, shadow of Ren. During travel she accompanies me." 

Duran stares at you for a while, before gesturing to come inside. You both follow him into his office, decorated with many trinkets from worlds unknown to you. They look fascinating. Duran notices your interest. "Don't touch anything, they are priceless artifacts." He hisses sharply. Not like you are actually reaching for them. 

"Now for my sudden visit." Ren brings Duran's attention back to him. This is your sign to tune in and read him in the background, pretending to focus on his collection. "We have recorded increased support for the Republic within your area. Any ideas why?" He questions Duran calmly, waiting for the perfect response to dig for more.

A tiny jolt of alarm presents itself. It could mean anything, given the accusation. And no thoughts to interpret it more accurately. "Where did you hear that?" He asks, keeping his cool exterior. 

Ren straightens himself, towering over Duran threateningly. "That is none of your concern. I'm asking you to confirm or deny this." The modulated voice rises in tone, tolerating no further questions. 

_Just play dumb Duran, he's not in your head._ His thought flood into your head. It's clear he's aware of Ren's Force signature. "I've had some cases, but they have been dealt with instantly. It hasn't affected our weapon smuggling." Defensively, he crosses his arms. Still no hints of obvious lies just yet. Must be a tough cookie to crack.

A menacing chuckle is heard from Ren. "Indeed, it doesn't change our weapon trade. It does benefit the Resistance's, however." 

It goes quiet, deadly quiet. Suspense fills up the room. 

Duran looks taken aback, not finding the right words to counter. "What are you talking about?" _How much do they know??_ You're aware of him tensing up slightly. An indication of stress. So he knows what Ren is talking about. You send a quick mental message to Ren what you found out for now. 

_Good find._ He drops back, amazed by your progress.

Ren starts pacing back and forth, never averting his gaze from Duran. The air stays heavy, neither side speaking up just yet. 

_What is he doing?? Is he going through my head? I don't feel a headache though._ You hear Duran panicking to himself. 

"Oh, you know." Ren returns to his interrogation, stopping inches away from his face. "Our sources say the inventory has doubled a few weeks ago, yet you didn't inform us. Why is that?" The tone of the conversation turns aggressive. You know Ren isn't really angry, he's acting it. Makes the recipient fear him, and it's working. 

"W-we just had some luck recently. I a-assure you those weapons we didn't sell to you yet are still stored away-"

A lie. His mind betrays him, so do his emotions. Unaware to Duran, you discreetly walk behind him. Another signal to Ren. His hollow eyes glance to yours briefly, knowing the context of your action. It's time for the finale. 

"Spare me of your lies! I know your men are conspiring with the Resistance, selling the extra stock to them! Your greed makes you a traitor to the First Order!" He is full-on yelling right now, his intimidating aura spreading around. It makes even your skin feel cold. The effect on Duran is even worse, he's shaking all over.

Like a coward, he goes unto his knees. Begging with his pleading eyes on Ren. "P-please! I'll talk! I'll tell you their names, the ones we're selling those weapons to. I'll give you whatever you want! His stuttering pleas become frantic. A man fearing for his life always develops into this. As if he wasn't aware of the possible consequences for his greed.

You already know Ren won't heed his pleas. Why keep a traitor alive when you can just pluck it from his mind. The First Order only takes useful prisoners.

"I already have all the answers I need." Ren speaks coldly, stretching his hand out to rip the information from his head. You watch as he screams in agony, desperately trying to resist. Yet it's futile. Even you can't keep him out if he desires it. He is just that strong. 

When he got everything he needs, Duran is released from his pain. "Get. Up." Ren demands, not caring a single bit about his discomfort. Without hesitation, he complies. Oblivious of what comes next. "Your services to the First Order are not needed any longer. A replacement will be issued soon." 

Before Duran can ask what he means, you switch on your lightsaber in lightspeed and slice his head off with gracious precision. It goes by so fast, almost like it didn't happen. With a big thud you hear his body fall on the ground. 

Mission accomplished. 

The tension disappears in an instant. Ren has his gaze on Duran's lifeless body. You wonder what he's thinking about. Quickly as the thought came, you shake it away. Why should you care what goes on in his head?

You don't notice him taking off his helmet until you hear his smooth voice fill the space. "Well done. I'm impressed by your improvement in your Force abilities." The complement makes you beam beneath your mask. You turn to him, peering in his dark brown eyes. They seem so soft, so genuine. You're relieved he can't see your expression. 

"I'm thankful for your words Commander. I hope my growth continues in the near future." You reply back, unable to hide your happiness. Of course he notices, and chuckles at your serious words. At least you can pout without him making fun of you for it. You avert your gaze back to Duran's artifacts. A shame they'll be left behind. 

Interested in something from his collection, Ren heads over to one of his bookcases. He grabs a few old tomes, probably something related to the Force. 

"Take whatever you want, Hux might seize them all once we return." He offers. It doesn't sit well with you though. You may have been a scavenger, but stealing from a dead man you killed? That goes beyond your morals. You laugh to yourself, noting your own hypocrisy. 

You let out a soft sigh. "No, I'm good. Let's leave."

* * *

Back on the ship, you make yourself comfortable on your seat and take off your mask. Using the Force still drains you a lot. Perhaps getting a nap might do you well. 

You close your eyes, ready to get some shut eyes. The creaking of leather stopping you from fully losing consciousness. 

"We make a great team, don't you think?" His tone gives you a mental image of the possible expression on his face. Every time you hear it, he has a puppy face, yearning for approval. You can't help but snicker at the likeliness. 

"Really? So in order to be considered a team, would that mean I'm your equal?" Without opening your eyes, you tease him. A wide smirk on your face. 

He laughs that sweet laugh, a wonderful melody in your ears. "Definitely not." _One day._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> https://starwars.fandom.com/wiki/Dandoran


	26. Change is Inevitable

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you guys for over 1000 hits!!!!! I'm over the moon that you are enjoying my story, even if it's not written well. And big thanks to the people who left kudos and bookmarked!

Missions come and go. Some more challenging than others. Your favorite ones involve you using the Force or your lightsabers skills. And recently, you've been called into actual battles as a backup. There was this one particular fight against an uprise of Resistance fighters which were sabotaging First Order ships on Varkana, a red planet in the Varkana system. Commander Ren was already present, but they were losing a lot of stormtroopers from an unexpected assault. You were sent over to aid him and if needed, bring him back alive. That day you used your gifted glave all the time, using the Force to eliminate distant enemies. During the fight, you learned a trick or two from Ren. For example, striking your lightsaber on the ground to create a powerful shockwave to push back enemies. Another useful method in battle was to freeze your enemies with the Force, making them easy to kill. Ren could freeze multiple at once, you only one. 

But just because you're both powerful Force-users, doesn't mean you can't be driven in a corner. The waves of enemies kept coming, and you were both feeling the exhaustion set in. You realized you were surrounded when you felt your back collide with Ren's. Time went slow, as we knew what we had to do. The fight almost looked like a dance, and Ren was your partner. Both covering one another when an enemy came too close. As the fight ended, you noticed someone sneaking up on Ren who was catching his breath. If you didn't do something, he would have been mortally injured. Opportunity to escape presented itself in your mind, yet your heart disagreed. You had to save him. With the flick of your hand, you froze the Gran. "Ren, behind you!" You shouted. In a second he turned around and slashed its head off. It was over. Even with his helmet on, you knew he was giving you a thankful look. 

He would never forget this.

Somewhere in the back of your mind, the Dandoran mission never left you. Ren hasn't told you what he found inside Duran's mind. You want to not care, but you have this gut feeling. Meditation doesn't provide the answers you seek, so you've given up on it. However, soon your questions would be answered. 

* * *

You are having a peaceful lunch by yourself. The meat of the day consists of bantha, a species from Tatooine. You've seen neither. Eating the meat of an animal which you don't know makes you feel uneasy, but still curious to try it. You're about to take a first taster, only to be interrupted by your 'favorite' General. To be more specific, a voice broadcast of your 'favorite' General. 

"Shadow of Ren, I have an urgent message for you. Please meet me in my office." 

So long for lunch. Knowing his impatient temper, you decide to head over right away. 

As you enter his office, you notice a moody Kylo Ren present in the room too. Someone is clearly in a foul mood. The man of impatience himself clears his throat to get your attention. You grant his gracious request. 

"Glad you could come on such short notice. Supreme Leader Snoke wishes to discuss something important with you and Ren, involving what you found out on Dandoran." He explains rapidly, clearly not eager to let the Supreme Leader waiting. You stare quietly at Ren, wondering if he knows what it is about. He seems to be avoiding your gaze.

You mentally roll your eyes, making an extra effort so he can hear it as clear as day. 

The two of you start heading over to the communication room. A slight amount of nervousness sets in. Whether it comes from you or Ren, you don't know. You just feel it. Not long after you enter, Snoke appears as a hologram. The sight of it very intimidating. Snoke brings up this irrational fear inside of you. Both your hands are shaking. In order to not show your weakness, you bring them behind your back, holding them together with your life. 

"Dear Ghost, looks like things are going great for you. I've heard nothing but praise from General Hux about your success. So what I'm about the offer you might not come as a surprise." A grin sets on his deformed face, frightening you even more. An unfamiliar soothing aura wraps around you, calming your fear. Out of the corner of your eye, you look at a kneeling Ren. Was it his doing? Why? Did he notice your fear? 

Snokes booming voice forces your attention back to him. "Your first solo mission." Your eyes widen in bewilderment. This comes out of nowhere. He releases a sickening laugh. "No need to be confused, I'll explain to you all the details." He stretches out his hand, pointing at Ren. "My worthy apprentice saw some very interesting intelligence about the Resistance inside Duran's mind. Who would have thought the royals in Eriadu were Resistance supporters?" 

That name, you recognize it. As a peasant, you never had a shimmer of hope to leave your home planet. Learning its name seemed unnecessary. Only recently have you learned its name through Ren. He is going to send you on a mission on your home planet.

"Indeed. As you are familiar with the area and terrain, I've decided this would be the perfect solo mission for you." He answers your thoughts once more, allowing you no privacy in his presence. Suddenly, his smirk turns into a serious stare. "I still feel some disloyalty in you."

Your heart skips a beat. You swore you hid them deep inside of you. How can you ever dream of revenge if all your secrets aren't your own?

Snoke lets out a heavy hum, resembling almost a growl. "My suspicion doesn't seem to be my imagination." It goes silent for a minute. You wish you knew what he's thinking about. Maybe he's going to torture you again. Or perhaps something worse. He sets his eyes on Ren, still kneeling in respect for his master. "What do you say, my apprentice? Should we allow her a chance to prove us wrong?" 

Ren's visor slowly lifts up. He seems to be debating his answer. "Perhaps she needs supervision." He states hesitantly. 

The Supreme Leader nods, considering his comment. "And who will oversee this supervision?" He questions reluctantly, acting like he genuinely doesn't know. Like he is fishing for something.

"I will, as her master." He replies confidently. 

Grabbing his chin in a thinking way, Snoke considers his proposition carefully. But he isn't convinced yet. "As it is a solo mission, you can't come with her. How would you solve that problem?" He squints his eyes. 

"A time limit. If she hasn't returned within an hour, I will hunt her down myself." 

An hour. To do what exactly? You feel left in the dark as they discuss your fate like you're not in the room. 

The serious expression disappears from Snoke, turning back into his menacing signature smirk. "Alright, an hour seems fair." His eyes look back into yours, staring straight into your soul. "The mission is an assassination, as well as collecting information about the Resistance. You have an hour to succeed. Make sure to bring their heads, as proof of your completion."

Your gut was right.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> inspo song: Skillet - Invisible


	27. I cannot be betrayed

"Count and Countess Crentia are conspiring with the Resistance by financially aiding them."

"The subjects in their region have risen up against the First Order, their elimination will subdue these riots."

"We have support of the Emperor and all the other regions Counts, we just need them out of the way."

Snoke's words ring in your mind as you walk the hallways dazed. No clear destination. You're just following Ren. 

A solo mission was supposed to be exciting, but instead it's discouraging. Finally an escape on your horizon, the possibility to be free. Of course it is too good to be true. Having Ren come along makes your only hope fall into the depths of despair. Besides, you don't even know how to hide your Force signature. He would find you in a heartbeat. 

You aren't the only one processing the situation. Ren is deadly quiet. His thoughts are locked away to you, but occasionally you hear soft eerie whispers surrounding his mind. What exactly they're saying, you don't know. All you know is that it can't be good. 

In the blink of an eye, Ren grabs your forearm, dragging you into an abandoned room. Before you can protest, he shoves you hard against the wall. The impact stopping your breath for a second. With a swift motion, he rips off his helmet and yours, making them clatter on the steel floor. The sound echoing in the empty room. You try to move away, but he traps you between his huge arms and the wall behind you. The action leaves you incredibly startled. You're unable to react as his deep eyes glare into yours. There is no anger coming from him. Like he suppressed his emotions. You feel him tapping into the Force. A few soft tendrils stroke your forehead. You feel stuck, but not in an uncomfortable way. Whatever he's trying to do, it doesn't involve him harming you. You want to ask what's he's doing, but his stare silences your words.

Ren finally speaks up, his voice deep and gravelly. " **You will never betray me.** " 

It clicks. This isn't some weird display of dominance. He's using the Force to takes away your freedom of choice. "Stop! You can't do this!" You yell back, hoping to interrupt his concentration. 

His face inches closer, repeating his words. " **You will never betray me.** " 

"Don't do this to me Ren!" You grow desperate, sooner or later it'll work. Small tears of despair well up in your eyes. 

He keeps repeating it, getting more frustrated each time you continue to resist him. 

For a second, a vision appears before you. A small Kylo Ren, abandoned by everyone he loves. Always alone, loved by none. As you come back to reality, you see something new in his eyes, the fear of being abandoned. He doesn't want to be alone anymore. Your tears now fall down heavily, compassion overtaking you. Would you really give in, to soothe his fear?

You lower your head. "I will never betray you..." While you slide down the wall, Ren leaves with his helmet back on. Melancholy now your only companion.

* * *

Disoriented by his recent action, Ren saunters to his grandfather's burned mask. With his gloved hand, he touches it to attempt to clear his mind. 

"I had to do it. If I didn't, she would leave me. And I would have done nothing to stop her." He falls to his knees, gripping his visor. The modulated voice concealing his small tearless sobs.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Forgot to add this in the previous chapter, so here ya go!


	28. Home Sweet Home

How you missed those trees, the woods they form together. It may not be your favorite season, but the smell of blooming flowers and recent rain brings up the loveliest memories you have of your home. Having been stuck on a base all the time really heightened your senses to nature around you. If it wasn't for the mission, you would be running in these woods without a care in the world. Just to reconnect to yourself.

But no. You are on Eriadu to assassinate Count and Countess Crentia, and bring their heads back as proof of succession. Plus, squeeze in a moment to collect information from their minds. All in an hour of time. Easier said than done. 

You perform a quick weapon scan. Mask on, check. Glave hanging around, check. Treasure holstered, checkedy check. The tiny, red knife-like lightsaber you received as a gift from Snoke connecting to your leg? Check. The gift came unexpectedly. In a message, Snoke told you it was made from a piece of Kybercrystal that cracked during its bleed. Charming. When you switched it on, its hum sounded loud and unstable, as its blade. It reminded you of Ren's lightsaber. The person that made it bleed must have felt so much despair, as the screams from the crystal are deafening. You shake your head, returning to the task at hand. 

As you mentally prepare yourself, Ren sets up his communication equipment, in case you betray them. Which you can't, since he used mind tricks on you. So just for show. With the anger you feel towards that moment, you tap into the Darkside. When you do so, the heaviness settles in. Like a lock is set on your abilities. 

Ren finishes up and turns to you. "Ready?" He asks plain and simple like you're just going to run for fun and come back in a jiffy. At least he has his visor on, or you might just punch him in the face. 

"Not like I have a choice." You reply bluntly, anger seeping out of your words. 

He grabs a watch and inserts the time limit. "You have an hour. If I don't see you back after the time limit, I'll call in reinforcements to retrieve you. Don't try anything funny." He explains to you monotonous. 

"Yeah, yeah. I know. Don't betray me." You mock him with a bitter whisper. Almost unnoticed, you sense a pang of guilt coming from Ren. All you can think is that he deserves it.

You hear the click from the watch, and you bolt into the forest. Thank the stars for your Force abilities, allowing you to skip through the trees with ease. If only you knew about them before the First Order took you prisoner. You start hearing varying thoughts as you come closer to the Crentia estate. Likely from guards. As you reach the destination, you scan the area surrounding you. Counting the number of people in the house. You sense the presence of twelve individuals, two of them being the Count and Countess. Both of them are on the upper floor. The guards patrolling outside and inside. They must have known their lives are at stake.

Wanting to not spill needless blood, you opt to make the guards fall unconscious instead of killing them. But it cannot take too much of your time either. Thinking of the best possible strategy comes easy after spending all that time with Ap'lek. You study the three guards outside for a short time, figuring out gaps in their routine. Once you see the pattern, you make your move. Striking in the right place knocks even the toughest beings out, minus Force-users of course. The moment you start, everything flows well. First one out, the others follow soon after. Now for the inside. Three downstairs, two on the first floor, two on the upper floor. The same tactic as before, you take out the guards on the ground floor and first floor. Those two on the upper are another story. They are in front of the door where the targets reside. Any noise could alert them of your presence. So you need to play this differently. 

Using the Force, you plant a thought into one of their minds. Hoping they catch the bait.

_I need to use the bathroom._

The left guard blinks slightly and turns to his colleague. "Mate, I need to use the bathroom."

The right guard sighs with disapproval. "Bro, you went like four times already. Just be honest already, are you backed up down below?" 

The left one gasps. "That's not it! I have a small bladder okay! You know this." They cross their arms and pout. 

Finding his behavior childish, the right one rolls their eyes. "Right, right. Just be back soon, we need to switch with Gale and Wen in twenty minutes. They hate bathroom excuses."

Finally they separate. How people are so open about bladder problems is beyond you. You follow bro number one down the hall. as they enter a new room, you knock them out. Now for bro number two. 

_They need help._

To confirm it reached, you hear them yell. "Bro, do you need help?" No answer. Their footsteps come closer to your location. As soon as you spot them, you deliver the same fate to them. 

And now comes the real part of this mission. 

You storm inside the room, glave in hand. The Count turns to you startled. He doesn't realize immediately why you are here. Before he could open his mouth, you throw your glave towards him. Slicing him in the face. He lets out a pained grunt. 

"Luc!" A woman shouts, running towards you with a sword. Not giving her a fighting chance, you push her against the wall with the Force, a grip on their throat. She lets out strained gasps, scratching her neck in an attempt to relieve the pressure. 

"Niera!" The Counts shouts, fear clear in his eyes. Waving of him now too.

You ignite your trusty lightsaber, pointing it to his throat oppressively. "Count Lucretius, you will give me the answers I seek, or your wife Countess Kathleyaniera dies a painful death." Lies, regardless if they tell you, they will be executed. 

He stammers, quickly looking at his wife hanging on the wall. "P-please, I have no idea why you are doing this? Whatever quarrel you have with me, my wife has nothing to do with it!" 

Needing to strike more fear into him, you tighten your grip. Kathleyaniera's gasps become breathless for a second. "The First Order disagrees. Conspiring and financially aiding the Resistance is a criminal offense." Your voice sounds like venom, unfamiliar with the slight modulation. Almost like you are a different person. Oh how proud Snoke would be of this version of you. 

Hesitation forms on his face, the choking of his wife cracking his resolve. "We'll talk! I-I promise! Please let her go!" You obey his plea, relaxing your hand. She falls to the ground, catching her breath in heaves. You call back your glave, pointing it to her. A reminder. 

"Speak." You speak curtly, not tolerating delay.

"We've been investing in a weapon smuggler, Duran I believe his name is. W-we had our suspicion he is affiliated with the Resistance, but we weren't sure. The one you need to look into is him!" Lies. All lies. 

You laugh. How you're going to break their spirit. It's almost tragic, but you don't have a choice. "Mmm, that sounds suspicious indeed." Relief crosses his face for a second. "Too bad we found out about you through him." The relief immediately replaces with dread. "I guess since you won't be honest, I'll find the truth on my own." You holster you glave, using that hand to rip through his memories. 

Duran indeed gets the money, but they receive their bought weapons. As the royals that deal with outer planet affairs, traveling in a ship isn't that fishy. They meet with their middleman on an abandoned moon. A man with brown curls and tanned skin. A Resistance pilot called Poe Dameron, Commander in rank. There they discuss where the Resistance can pick up their essentials without the First Order finding out. Different places each time, but with a rotation. Nar Shaddaa the last time. 

When you found enough, you back out. Now you assassinate them and return to Ren. 

"You're Ghost, aren't you?" The Countess asks you delicately, her hands raise as a show of none aggression.

You fall, you break. The shock obvious in your eyes. Against protocol, you lower your weapon, resting your gaze on her's. "What...?"

She points to your treasure for a moment. "That white blade, I've heard stories about it. And your armor as well. You're the myth who stood up against the First Order when they first arrived, aren't you?" 

Your pulse races, ringing in your ears. You are still remembered? A legacy that inspires people to rise up against their oppressors? 

Her features turn into a sympathetic look. "They did this to you, didn't they? Turn you into a weapon to use in this war. Just like the children from our planet." She scoffs in fury, clearly affected by the actions of our oppressors. 

At last, someone who sees you. Understand what you had to go through. Not looking at the action you do, but the reason behind them. "Yes.." Your voice breaks down as you answer her. 

Taking very small steps, she comes closer. "You don't have to do this anymore." She looks over to her husband. "We can help you." Her motherly voice soothes you, making you feel safe to be open. 

"That's right." Her husband joins in. "We have many ties within the Resistance, helping their cause. We can convince them to let you join them." 

Opportunity. Hope. Escape. You've never wanted something so much. This is your chance to become who you are meant to be. "I-" 

_**You will never betray me.**_ His dark, desperate eyes appear before you. Begging. Holding this fear of abandonment, fear of being hated by those he loves. The eyes of a person you deeply care about. Not Commander Ren, but Kylo. Not Kylo, someone beyond that name. 

You stand there, unmoving with your eyes glazed over. Lightsaber still activated. "I'm sorry."

* * *

Two minutes left. She's still not back. To try and ease his nerves, he paces around while toying with his fingers. One minute left. 

"She can't... No, it's impossible." _Don't do this to me._ _Not you too._

A rustling of leaves makes his strides come to a halt. There you emerge, holding something in each hand. 

As you approach him, you put them on the ground gently. "Mission accomplished." You announce flatly, as you walk past him, into the ship. Without looking back, you rush into a private room. Finally, you can break down. You fall to your knees and wail in agony, yelling profanities whenever you catch your breath. Your sadness and pain reach Kylo, the energy overwhelming him. How he wanted to rush at your side and cradle you, telling you everything is going to be okay. But it will never be, as long as he stays weak. He needs to do what needs to be done. For you and him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bro and Mate, best bromance


	29. A Lead Leads To Madness

Haunted. The last emotion that keeps following you. What you did speaks for itself after all. And whenever you don't feel haunted, you are numb. A stark contrast, to say the least. Your only reason for staying in this torment has left you behind. On a mission with the Knights of Ren. All alone, ready to be toyed with by Snoke once more. Good thing he's staying on the Supremacy while you stay on Starkiller. Yes, you report to him all the time, but being in the same room with the actual Snoke is way more terrifying.

Ever since Ren's been gone, your night terrors have returned too. Of Snoke, the boy you murdered, the Count and countess you assassinated. Each time you try to take solace in the Force, It continues to give you the cold shoulder. Likely punishment for becoming the monster you swore to fight against. At least you don't have your surprise Force hallucinations involving Ren. As much as you want to see him, you don't want to see him. 

In order to escape the hauntings, you distract yourself with mission after mission. Thanks to the viable information you got, Resistance spies are found all over First Order territory. And it's your job to take them out. For consistency. It helps you can extract even more information out of them to aid in the search for higher figures within their ranks. Nothing successful so far, but it keeps you busy. Every so often, you are called in to aid Captain Phasma during riots. They take on the crowd, while you take out their leaders. The perfect job, just for you. Hux on the other end hasn't asked you to work under him yet. Lucky you. Probably because he's been busy ordering workers to complete the construction regarding a 'classified' weapon. Not really that classified when your base is called Starkiller. 

Today is one of those days where you are hunting down a suspected Resistance spy. On a planet called Kijimi. You love snow, but you dislike the mountain cold residing here. It's not the fun cold like on Ilum either, it's just freezing. What a blessing to have armor that heats itself. 

You stalk the streets, scanning the area. A few stormtroopers appear to be patrolling the town as well. You're aware the First Order wants to lay claim on this anarchist planet. Instilling it with discipline and martial law. For now, they have been resisting heavily. Still it won't take long until the final takeover, as all major hyperspace routes are blockaded. Eventually you spot the location of interest, a storage called Spice Runner. Once you find a hidden entry point, you climb inside stealthily. Inside you detect one being. 

_This will be a quick job._

As you creep up, you overhear the target talk with someone over a holocorder. You peek over, and what you see stuns you. Poe Dameron. The target is in direct contact with the Commander of the Resistance. They speak softly to one another, so you are unable to figure out the topic of conversation. But no worries, you will know soon enough. 

Their contact cuts off. This is your chance. With a quick leap, you tackle your target down before they can react. 

"What the-" the Boosodian calls out, not realizing what is going on. You activate your dagger saber and hold it over its neck. All their twenty eyes focus on you, frightened by your aggression. Slightly putting its hands up defensively. Without explaining yourself, you shred through its recent conversation, eager to find out the details. A meeting on Coruscant, the New Republic discussing battleplans with Commander Dameron and... General Organa... 

Stunned by this revelation, you retreat from their mind. The General of the Resistance will be on Coruscant, next week. 

A sound coming from the Boosodian pulls you back to reality, pushing you to finish the mission. Not wasting any time, you slit their throat and rush out. Once you spot your transporter, you yell orders to prepare for takeoff. Something many onlookers are receptive of. 

* * *

You stride through the corridors, not sparing a glance to any personnel. As you are about to reach to the communication room, a randomly appearing Hux halts you. 

"Where do you think you're going walking like an uncivil Besalisk?" He points out with a grimace, definitely bothered by the unpolished style of your walk. If you had the time, you'd eye-roll him into oblivion. Fortunately for him, you are needed elsewhere.

"I have crucial information for Supreme Leader Snoke, involving the Resistance's General!" You yell at him while continuing your unrefined stride.

Quick tapping of shoes sounds behind you, indicating that Hux is following you. You sneak a quick peek, laughing internally at his pathetic attempt at running gracefully. Oh, how you wish you could take a mental picture right now. Oh wait, you can!

As you arrive, you hurry inside. Not bothering to see if Hux is behind you or not. 

"Call the Supreme Leader." You announce. A flickering hologram appears, signaling Snoke's arrival. When the hologram is stable, you sense Hux catching up behind you. 

You kneel in respect, waiting for Snoke to allow you to speak. "Why call me in such a hurry?" He doesn't sound happy. 

Slowly you rise, anticipating the worst. Snoke seems to have a foul mood, but not because of the call. Thank the stars. "I just arrived back from my most recent mission on Kijimi. As I ambushed them, I noticed they were conversing with Commander Dameron through a holocorder. Immediately I collected their memories, and I found something very significant." You explain yourself, stammering slightly in his presence. 

He leans forward, clearly curious about the information. "Go on."

You take in a deep breath while keeping your hands behind your back in a clamping grip. "General Organa will be on Coruscant next week, to discuss strategies with the New Republic."

A tension settles into the room. A slight triumph from Hux, but completely nothing from Snoke. 

"That is quite the lead Ghost. Well done." Hux praises you. Of course he would be happy. Any chance to strike a blow to the Resistance or the Republic, he'll take it. "Supreme Leader, if you'll let me, I'll plant in some spies in those meetings as soon as possible." 

Snoke gives him a quick nod. "See to it. I have something to discuss with Ghost. Privately." 

He bows respectfully and leaves the two of you alone. Somehow it made you even more uneasy. 

"Whatever we find, I want you to pursue General Organa." Snoke's booming voice making your eyes snap back to his. 

You're puzzled by this. "Not to criticize your orders, sir. But why me?" You question him carefully, as to not appear insulting. 

His head turns slightly. "Why wouldn't it be you? This case had been yours for a while now. And you show much promise." 

Nervously, you pull on your fingers. Attentively picking your words, you reply. "In my honest opinion, this mission is better suited for Commander Ren." 

A sneer is released from him, echoing throughout the chamber. "Kylo Ren? A better option?" The laughing goes on for a while. You have no idea how to react. "Don't be foolish Ghost. This is perfect for you. Just you wait, you'll see." A menacing smirk forms on his features. "Besides, I wouldn't trust Kylo Ren with this mission. It's too... personal for him." 

_Personal? Personal how?_ You wonder in your head, not expecting this answered.

Leaning forward a second time, you are forced to look him straight into his dangerous eyes. "Under no circumstances tell Ren about this information. I will know if you do." A threat. Suggestion of torture, pain, and suffering. 

"You have my word, Supreme Leader."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Inspo song: Daughter - Numbers


	30. Spotted

Still no clue about the whereabouts of General Organa or Commander Dameron so far. The spies have not been in contact yet after this supposed meeting. They can't expose themselves after all, or the Republic will know the First Order has been listening in. So life for you continues as it was before. 

You start today with an awful lecture from Hux. Calling you names like 'moron' and your new favorite term 'cretin'. Apparently, the New Republic put a bounty on your head. Shocking, right? How is it possible for an esteemed assassin of the First Order to be exposed like this? Well, it all started on the day you assassinated this Boosodian affiliated with the Resistance. In other words, you ran out of a building containing a dead body, so people quickly put two and two together. So the mask was out, and so was your codename. Fortunately for you (and your fragile mental state), they don't know your real face and affiliation with the First Order. Punishment is off the table, lucky you indeed. Even if Snoke wants the New Republic out of the way as soon as possible, starting a war is not a good idea right now. Starkiller base is not yet finished, and Ren is still away on an important mission. He would need their big guns ready before he'd risk a galactic war. 

After an hour of yelling from a redfaced Hux, you could finally relax a bit. No new mission planned at the moment, so a quiet break is welcomed. 

Like always, this is shortlived. The expected announcement came to head over to Hux's office in order to discuss a new assignment. Or so you thought.

A holorecording of Poe Dameron's ship appears before you. "Our spies have informed us that Commander Dameron never left Coruscant, unlike his General. The details of his stay have not been uncovered yet. Although Coruscant is connected to the New Republic, this is the perfect opportunity to drain all the information he carries and take him out permanently. Preferably as an accident." Hux explains to you while displaying the hotel Dameron is residing in. It looks really fancy. 

You have a few concerned questions though. "Won't I be recognized due to my bounty?" 

Firmly, he shakes his head. "Negative, for you will be going on an undercover mission." He types something on his holopad and an unfamiliar woman appears on the screen. "This is Rae Sloane, one of our trusted spies. She is a native of Coruscant and highly regarded there. You will meet up with her once you arrive. From there on, she will guide you."

At least you won't be going in blind. "Understood, I shall make preparations immediately." After giving a bow, you leave. 

Unknown to you, a hologram of Snoke appears after you left. "Did she take the bait?" 

A smile forms on Hux's face. "She did indeed, Supreme Leader."

"Very good." 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, it's a shortie. But I have a feeling that the next one will be big af. So enjoy!


	31. Party on Coruscant

Galactic City, Coruscant. As the public transporter ship descended through the atmosphere, the ecumenopolis quickly comes into view. You’ve seen cities before, but none as stunning as this. You are awestruck. An entire city-covered planet. Hundreds of golden skyscrapers surrounded by shiny buildings, layers of homes beneath the surface. And to top it all of, a population of approximately one trillion beings divided into different species. You could barely wrap your head around it.

The night falls as you reach the landing pad. Stepping outside, you are met with thousands of lights illuminating the city. You spin around in awe to take it all in. You receive a few stares, but you don’t care. Nobody here knows who you are or why you are here. This is the time to enjoy the little things for a minute before reality sets in once more. And as you guessed, reality walks up to you in the form of Rae Sloane. 

“Hello miss,” She articulates your true name respectfully as if she studied for a test. 

You release a deep breath, turning to face her completely. An older woman you recognize from the hologram greets you. “Miss Rae Sloane?” Asking for confirmation, just in case. 

A quick nod is thrown your way. “Indeed. I assume you haven’t had dinner yet?" 

"No, unfortunately not.” You reply while a rumble makes its existence known. 

Gesturing her head towards the tram station, she suggests, “Care to grab some at the Monument Plaza?"

You just shrug and follow behind closely. 

* * *

At first, you didn’t really care about this specific location to eat food, but once there you were blown away again. A mountain peak surrounded by cone-shaped restaurants, all beautifully illuminated. It looks to be a popular place, most tables are full. Luckily for us, Rae is known by the owners. Allowing the two of you a special table with a nice view of the mountain top. While you wait for the food, Rae decided to talk with you about the mission and other details. As she explains, you take in her appearance. Dark skin with black hair, a grey streak on the left. She looks intimidating, yet inviting. A woman that knows what her job is and how to execute it without hesitation. 

"The hotel in which PD resides in is holding a party tomorrow evening. I will accompany you there. When we spot PD, we go our separate ways, allowing him to approach you." Rae mentions while briefing the mission.

You frown slightly. "Why would he approach me? He doesn’t know me, right?”

Her brown eyes peer into yours. “It seems like you aren’t informed about the target. How disappointing.” Usually, you don’t care about in-depth information about the target, as it tends to reveal itself anyway. This time, it’s different. You have to actually mingle before you can follow them to a secluded area. Drawing attention to yourself doesn’t seem like the assassin’s way.

“PD is a known flirt. If he sees a woman all by herself, he’ll definitely come over to keep her company.” she continues, as you haven’t replied back to her. 

You give her an understanding hum. “Alright, now I’m following. So he sees me alone, he comes to me, and then what?”

“Seduce him," Rae says bluntly.

The look in your eyes widens, not even sure if you heard her right. But seeing her face, she’s actually serious. "Excuse me?”

An eye roll is something you didn’t expect from a refined woman like her. Full of surprises, this one is. “When he flirts, flirt back. Make him invite you to his room. There you can find the perfect moment to strike." 

Okay, she is definitely an expert in this area, you, however, are clearly not. It’s almost embarrassing to say, but you really need help. "I-I don’t know how to flirt.” You mutter softly. 

Her reaction stays unfazed. “Don’t worry about it too much. I’ve heard PD can turn any conversation into a flirty exchange.”

Oh stars, you are in for quite the ride. 

* * *

Once the food is done, Rae brings you to your temporary stay. One of her safehouses. It’s tiny but comfortable. Besides, it’s only for two nights. It reminds you of your room back on Starkiller base. After you settle in, Rae leaves, needing to attend to other business. You wonder how a grounded woman like her became a spy for the First Order. Still, you’d likely never find out. 

Now that the quiet has settled in, you give attention to this calling you’ve felt all night. Somehow being on this planet makes you feel so light, like a feather floating in the wind. The Dark Side is making it hard to fully embrace it though. But what if, you let go of it? Just for a moment. That would be enough time to figure out why you feel this constant lightness. 

_ Why the hell not. _

Sitting in a meditative position, you clear your mind and ease your senses. As you go inwards, you see your soul clinging to this dark ball, quite a desperate hold. It looks so cramped that releasing it might make it run away from you forever. Nervously, you let go. At first, you only feel a warmth, embracing you softly. Welcoming you back in its arms. Secondly, a powerful wave. Crashing into you with full force. The spike in power is so intense, you swear you could see the Force all around you, lighting up the room. Thousand of voices materialize into your mind, yet not in a painful way, just an awareness of their existence. 

It feels… Right. This is how you are meant to handle the Force. Not clamping onto one part of it, but embracing the entirety of It. The strength fueling you is simply intoxicating. And on the edge, a familiar voice speaking your name. Kylo. You sense him next to you, but you don’t see his form. Still, you know he is here. You want to call out to him too.

And then, fear. An image of Snoke staring down on you as you writhe in agony on a cold floor. All you can think about now is how he might be able to sense you releasing the Dark Side. 

You ignore the cries from the warmth, dulling yourself by clamping back on the darkness, and only that. The floating feeling dies out like it never existed. All you feel now is the heavy numbness you’ve grown accustomed to. 

You want to pull out your hair for being this stupid to give in to the floating feeling, allowing weakness to take over. 

The thought is hypocritical though. You aren’t powerful in the Dark Side. What you felt just now is true power. And you gave it up, because of fear. A deep-rooted fear: given to you by Snoke. A bitterness seeps out of you, making the light in your building flicker for a moment. 

_ When will I finally be free of this pain? _

* * *

Party time! Are you excited? No. Did you choose to be here? Also no. What a time to enjoy your youth. 

Business before pleasure, after all. 

You are dressed up in quite the stylish dress, handpicked by Rae herself. According to her words, it compliments your eyes. Not that you know anything about fashion. Besides, a black plated armor would ruin the mood. Good thing it’s back on Starkiller base ~~(sarcasm)~~. At least you still have your treasure clinging to your leg. If you were wearing a slit, you would have to use the Force to kill your target.

You feel naked, for multiple reasons. The dress is quite… Open. And you’ve never worn one before. All you wore were old dusty clothes, tunics, and armor. Fancy parties? Never been to any. Not even the ones hosted by the First Order. Wouldn’t fit the whole secret assassin niche you are going for. Also because you are socially incompetent, but those are details not worth focusing on. 

Arms linked with Rae, you enter the venue. Already you feel overwhelmed by the high standard beings bantering to one another. 

A soft push to your side makes interrupts your thoughts. “Stop thinking about how you don’t belong, people will notice.” She whisper-yelled to you. How nobody notices your little exchange is beyond you. Maybe it’s her unchanging face, permanently in serious mode. 

“Easy for you to say, I’m not used to fancy things like-” You gesture around frantically with your finger. “this." 

Her eyebrows raise, giving you a look that she doesn’t believe you. "You are close to KR, are you not?” She questions you, doubts lingering in the question. 

Why bring up the last person you want to talk about  ~~ (aka big moody Kylo Ren) ~~ . “Yes…”

“Then how are you not accustomed to this lifestyle?”

What? Did she really think you are bathing in riches because you are working under Ren? What kind of delusional-

“Either way, try to lighten up. Relax, take a drink, enjoy the music. For star’s sake maybe dance even. This is not time to blow your cover.” Slowly she moves us into the crowd, smiling softly like she is having the time of her life. You don’t share the sentiment. 

A waiter passes, and she picks up two glasses with some green bubbly drink. “One for you, one for me. Time to mingle.” And she gulps it down in one go. 

_Time to mingle_ … You follow suit with her move. You’ve had alcohol before, but that was very very cheap beer. This, however, is divine. Why you refused to drink with Ren is beyond you, because you seriously missed out on the finer things in life. Like good tasting alcohol. 

The evening goes by, albeit to slow for your taste. Rae keeps dragging you along into conversations you don’t give to kriffs about. Political poo and all that. As some groups decided to continue their ‘deep’ discussions in private, the crowd thins out. And then, you finally spot him. 

Poe Dameron. Commander in the Resistance. You’ve only seen him on holorecorders, never like he is in the flesh. Wild head of brown curls, a tan skin tone, and an amazing smile. He really lights up the room with it. 

You tap on Rae’s arm, signaling you found the target. She gives a quick nod of understanding. “Gentlemen, these topics are quite dull for my friend. Why don’t we continue this in private?” Once they all agree, she lets go of your arm. “Enjoy sweety.” Shooting you a quick wink.

_ Weirdo. _

Now you have to appear lonely. So no frowning, it might scare people away. Also no staring, you have creepy stares. Just take a glass of the green stuff, and swirl it around with a bored look on your face. That should do the trick. Hopefully. 

Unlike your expectations, Poe comes over only a minute after you’ve been studying the contents of your glass upon collection. 

_He could just be here for a drink. Perhaps I should make the first move or something?_ Internally, you start to panic about a conversation starter. Everything you mentally try out seems to come over cringy. 

“Good evening, beautiful.” Oh, Maker, he’s making the first move. “What is a lovely lady like you doing all by herself.” His suave voice asks you. 

Damn, he’s good. “Oh you know, tasting these fine alcoholic beverages like I know a thing or two about taste.”

_ … Could you sound anymore awkward? Why not scream out you’re here to kill him?? _

A smooth laugh eases the tension you created internally. “So you’re an expert, huh? Tell me, which one should I get?” He asks, blinking his eyes at you innocently. 

If only you were as competent of a human as he is. “Can you really trust the opinion of someone you don’t know?” You challenge him, already sensing his confidence rising.

His hand moves closer to yours, his gaze shifting from your hand to your eyes. “Then I guess I’ll have to get to know you in order to find out.”

Please Force, give me the strength to endure this man’s charms.

* * *

The conversations flow very effortlessly. He seems to enjoy your company, and the flirting hasn’t ceased from his side either. Overall, you can say you are doing a pretty good job of being a functional human being talking to another human. Most credit goes to Poe though, always igniting the chat if it appears to be dying out. Something you haven’t felt in a while comes back to chew at you. Guilt. This man is such a light, his energy positive and contagious. Even a hardened person like yourself feels the natural warmth from him. How you would rob the galaxy if you killed him. 

But a job is a job. Besides, even if you choose to let him go and just report the mission as failed, Rae knows he has been here. Killing her isn’t an option either. So it has to be Poe.

“So what are you doing after this party?” He asks all of a sudden. 

An opportunity. You sigh an extravagant moan. “I was supposed to sleepover at my friend’s house, but it seems she has 'more important’ matters to attend to. Going to my place is not an option, too far. And I have no idea how long it’ll be until she returns.” Maybe a bit overdone, but better to be safe than sorry.

“Then,” He scoots even closer. “how about you wait for your 'friend’ in my hotel room?”

_ Gotcha! _

“Really? You’re so kind Poe! I guess I’ll take up your offer!” You display a pleasing smile, showing your eagerness. 

He grabs your hand and pulls you along. 

As you arrive on his floor, a holopad notification makes itself known. “Ah shoot!” He exclaims with a disappointed look. 

_Oh no, please don’t let this be the opportunity._ “What’s wrong?” You ask him sweetly, giving a concerned look.

“My boss is trying to reach me. But it won’t take long, I promise. Just go inside my room,” He hands you a key. “I’ll join you shortly.” With a reassuring smile and wink, he leaves you in the hallway alone. 

_Don’t worry, he’s coming back. Just follow along and your opportunity comes back soon._ You reassure yourself while walking to the door of his suite. 

You use the key and step inside the small entrance. As you pass through the corridor, you enter into the master bedroom. 

“That’s pretty.” You mutter to yourself, taking it in. A person by the window startles you. The outdoor lights prevent you from seeing who it is. 

“Who are you?” You question them hesitantly. You can’t have any witnesses. Either you ask them to leave, or you force them. 

The figure slowly turns around, stepping out of the shadow that engulfs them. Now you realize who they are. Your mouth drops open, baffled by the person before you.

Leia Organa.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> GUYS, I have an editor!!!!! Meet s0ph_3


	32. Turning Tables

Leia Organa, leader of the Resistance. Number one enemy of the First Order is standing in front of you. 

_Why is she here? How did nobody know? Is she a projection, maybe a trick from the Force?_

All these turbulent thoughts are coursing through your mind, leaving you silent. With slow steps, she comes closer to you. Giving you a better look at her. "I am not going to hurt you. Instead, I wish to talk to you...Ghost." She breaks the silence since you don't speak up.

_She knows. How?_

Your blown cover puts you on edge. You ignite your lightsaber without hesitation and point it towards her. The light reflecting in your eyes making you look like a scared prey. It seems to not phase her in the slightest; she continues advancing, acting oblivious to buzzing bright blade in front of her. On instinct, you back away.

"How do you know who I am?" You yell in a hostile voice, making her pause and look you up and down. 

She starts describing your obvious features, like hair, skin tone, and sex. "All of those characteristics match the description for your bounty. Yet your biggest give away was your force signature." She gestures to the air around you. 

You couldn't help but notice how graceful she explained things to you. It is common knowledge that Leia was a princess of Alderaan until the Deathstar decimated the entire planet. No wonder she stood with the Rebellion, and now founding the Resistance to rise against the First Order. At least she has the power to do so, and even allies to back her up. Not everyone has that strength in them; you surely don't.

"So this is a trap?" Makes sense, why else would a guy like Poe approach you? He knows who you are.

She shakes her head at your question. "No, dear. All I want is to have a chat with you...About my son."

A frown forms on your face. You lower your saber a tiny bit, curious about her next words. Sensing your interest, she continues. "It is my understanding that you work closely with him. His name is Ben, Ben Solo." Before you can tell her you don't know someone called Ben Solo, she goes on. "But you might know him by his other name, Kylo Ren."

The room almost seems to disappear, leaving you in a black void with Leia Organa. The name keeps ringing in the space. You've only known him as Kylo Ren, but it never felt right. A pseudonym. A mismatched moniker. The person he showed you when it was just the two of you didn't adhere to that title. The moment she said Ben, all you could see was his smile, his adorable laugh with the dimples it creates. It makes sense. The name 'Ben Solo' fits the man you've grown to know.

You receive a sympathetic gaze from Leia. "He didn't tell you." 

Coming back from the daze, you level your eyes back to hers. "Why would he? I'm just a lowly assassin of his." That's a lie. The care he's shown you is all the proof you need. Yet, even you can't deny he purposely kept this from you. 

Leia sighs at your words. "If you were just a 'lowly assassin', I wouldn't go out of my way to talk to you about him. Especially in these circumstances."

You don't blame her. This was a risky move. Even going as far as not telling her trusted Commander about her plan. It's the perfect opportunity to snuff her out, permanently. A big blow to the Resistance, but perhaps also a stupid move. The New Republic will know the First Order was behind it, putting all the spotlight on them. It could start a war that they aren't ready for yet. A Commander is different, but the face of the Resistance? Too risky. For now, you determine that talking to her might be beneficial. 

You deactivate your lightsaber. "What do you want to talk about? Ask me anything." You try to sound inviting, hoping it eases the stress you created and establish a sense of trust.

A motherly warmth you are unfamiliar with is emanating from her. You practically taste her love. "How is he?" She asks in a soft voice, sounding very interested. It throws you off. 

_Besides the murdering, anger issues, and obsessive behavior?_

Her eyebrows crease as if she heard you. "Uh... I guess alright? I haven't seen him in a while." You try to answer her honestly. She nods at your reply. "Good, good." 

It remains silent for a while. The situation still being odd and somewhat awkward. You have so many questions too; except, you're afraid to know the answers. 

_How can you still love him after everything he's done? Why did he turn away from the light?_

"As I said, I want to have a chat with you. This means, you can ask me whatever is on your mind too." She informs you, breaking the prolonged silence. The understanding look in her eyes soothes you. You want to know more about Kylo but will she tell you the truth? You can only find out if you ask.

"Why did he become Kylo Ren?" You swallow down a blockage in your throat. "What happened to Ben?"

She sets her gaze down, breathing out deeply. "It's Snoke's fault." That comes as no surprise. Snoke is a puppet master after all. "Han and I sensed Ben's potential, so we send him to train with Luke to control his power and become a Jedi. Except, once Ben was there and vulnerable, Snoke seduced him with lies, fueling his anger against Luke. It made him fall to the Dark Side. It's what made me lose my son." 

The hurt is apparent in her voice. She regrets her actions and yearns to help her son. Despite the touching words, something inside you knows it's not the complete truth. There is something more to this story. Something Leia purposely didn't mention. The vision of a young Ben Solo appears before you again, reminding you what was missing. "You abandoned him when he needed you the most."

Shock appears on her features, the words reminding her of deep-rooted guilt. Her face stares at your calm demeanor. "You're right. Han and I... neglected him as a child. We weren't there for him. He needed us and we weren't there...Passing him to Luke was the worst decision we've ever made. We lost him because of it...And every day since I've regretted not being there for him." Leia sighs, but you can see the few stray tears falling down her cheeks.

"You feared him. Both of you feared him!" It fills you with anger, how they claim to love him when they treated him like a potential threat. "If you were there for him in his darkest hour, he would never have become Kylo Ren!" You don't know what is causing this sudden outburst. Maybe Kylo's feelings are manifesting through you, allowing him to express his pain. Or perhaps because you think Ben deserved better. 

Silence sets in again. Leia allows you to become level-headed before continuing. "I'd give anything to set things right with Ben, but I can't change the past. Only keep hope for the future." She explains carefully picking her words. 

Sadness overtakes your anger. She is telling the truth, you feel it in your soul. Standing before you is a mother who just wants her son back and makes amends. Because she loves him.

"Why are you telling this to me? I can't change him. I'm nobody." You hear yourself choke up. You start to reminisce of moments between you and Kylo that felt so tender and heartwarming. If only you could experience them once more. 

"You are not a 'nobody'. You care about him, I know you do. This connection between you two is so vivid. I want my son back, but I need your help." The hope she emits is inspiring. You know what you have to do, but something is holding you back.

_You will never betray me._

_Never._

The Force nudges you to accept your new determination, finally freeing you of the shackles that hold you down. "Let me join the Resistance." You declare to her with newfound confidence. You feel like yourself again, the person you used to be before. The person who always wanted to be a hero and fight the battles that those in need never could. This is your destiny.

A smile forms on her face. She steps closer to you and holds your hands. "Of course-"

"But," You interrupt her. "first I need to talk to Kylo. Don't worry, I won't tell him about our meeting. I don't want to leave him completely in the dark." You tighten your grip on her hands.

Understanding your intentions, she nods. "Take your time, I will welcome you whenever you decide to join us. Be careful." The care she expresses to you feels calming. 

You let go and with your new resolve you turn to leave, only to stop for a second when Leia says, "I have a tiny favor." 

Turning back with a smile, you gesture for her to continue and respond, "Anything I can do to help?"


	33. Resolve

"There are people of mine imprisoned in the Supremacy. Whenever you decide to join us, please take them with you. We would do it ourselves if only we had the manpower, but we don't...I'll be forever in your debt."

You accepted her favor in an instant. The more you can save, the better. And it would be the perfect proof of your loyalty towards the Resistance.

Leia assured you that they have great piloting abilities to help you escape. This is wonderful considering since you have no idea how to fly a spaceship. Any help is appreciated. 

You dealt with Rae when you reunited with each other. A quick mind trick and she forgot she ever saw Poe Dameron at the party. The failed mission made her afraid of the consequences, but you assured her that you would take all the blame. She seemed grateful. Thinking back on the time that you spent with her, she appears like any person trying to survive through this war by any means necessary. Who knows what's at stake if she didn't spy for the First Order? Everyone has a different reason, who are you to judge.

When you returned to Starkiller base, Snoke already requested you return to the Supremacy in order to give a full detailed report about your failure. This is going to be your last stay on Starkiller, and you left a few important items there. Your old armor and your glave. When you leave, those two need to be with you. 

Once in your room, you change out the civilian clothes and into your First Order armor. Then you grabbed the rest and put them in a discrete bag. Before you head out, you take one last look at the room. One place on this base you called home. But the thought of never seeing it again does make you feel relieved. Time to leave behind the past once more and move to your new future. One much brighter than this reality. 

* * *

The dreadful air on the Supremacy hasn't changed, neither have the nightmares you've experienced from staying here. You wonder if Kylo is still on his mission. Hopefully not much longer, if you can leave this place early you won't hesitate. Still, you need to set things straight with him. Because if you don't, you might lose him forever. This fear lingers inside of you. Maybe it's a clue of the future, so you can't risk it. 

General Hux sees to your arrival, already present as you walk down the ramp. For once, he isn't smirking. "Hello shadow. The Supreme Leader isn't pleased with your failure. I suggest you go greet him after placing your belongings in your temporary quarters." 

Clearly not in the mood for taunts, he returns to his post. It seems strange. You almost want to read his mind to figure out what his problem is, but you have other things to worry about. Snoke can't know of your meeting with Leia, nor your plans to escape with prisoners. You need to prepare yourself.

In your quarters you store everything in sight. Setting yourself in a comfortable position, you put up false memories inside you. The real ones buried deep. If anyone wants to see them, they'd need to get through every defense. Since you haven't raised any suspicion yet, the false ones on the forefront will be regarded as truth. But you can never know with Snoke. You push yourself back to the Dark Side, masking it with him in close parameter won't work. He'll know. It'll never feel right, but you have too. 

Everything is set. Let's do this.

* * *

Snoke is definitely not pleased, not in the slightest. The snaring look on his deformed face says enough. 

"You..." A calm voice, hiding the true anger. "Failed?" He asks like he genuinely doesn't understand. 

You kneel down, face towards the ground. "My deepest apologies, Supreme Leader." You apologize, playing along with the situation. 

He rises from his throne, stalking to your kneeling form slowly. "I had high expectations for you Ghost, and you didn't deliver." He declares his disappointment. "I trained you. I showed you the power you possess!" The words become louder with each sentence. "And you dare to fail me!" He emphasizes the last two words with a scream.

You remain silent, waiting for his next move. 

"Explain yourself!" He full-on yells at you. 

Slowly you look up at him carrying a neutral face. "The information we received from our spies was wrong. Poe Dameron had already left Coruscant." 

His grimace doesn't fade, the anger remains very prominent in his aura. He looks at you skeptically. "Are you telling the truth?" He hisses out while narrowing his eyes.

"Yes, Supreme Leader."

With the flick of his hand, he suspends you in the air by your throat. Fear takes over as you desperately try to breathe. He pulls you towards him, leveling your face with his. "You better not be lying." He stresses to you through clenched teeth. The pressure around your neck releases a bit, allowing you to answer him.

"Look at my memories," You gasp out strained. "that's how you'll know."

It took one second for him to sink his claws into your mind, ripping through the carefully placed barriers you set up. Luckily for you, he takes the bait you purposely placed. There has been no sight of Dameron, even after exploring the party and all the hotel suites. 

Grunting angrily at the displayed scenario, he drops his hold on you. Causing you to plunmet onto the cold floor. 

"Send word to Hux! Bring Rae Sloane before me, alive!" He orders one of his red guards. After watching them leave, he turns his attention back to you. "I'll deal with you later. Go back to your quarters, and remain there until summoned!" He sneers at you spitefully, clearly done with your presence. 

You quickly scramble up and rush out. Your heartbeat is beating extremely fast, you hear it ringing in your head. The thought of him discovering your secret made you almost break the facade. Silence and peace are what you need right now. But before you can reach your quarter, there is this pull. A Force signature you recognize too well.

Kylo is back.

Tears well up in your eyes from the realization. All feels right, you just need to talk to him. Maybe, if the mood allows it, you could convince him to join the Resistance with you. To leave behind this wicked place, and forge a new future. Together. 

Almost instinctually, you follow the pull of the Force: leading you to Kylo. You arrive at the hangar, his TIE Silencer about to land on the platform. Reaching out with your energy, you call him. Gently, he answers.

He emerges from his ship, immediately making a beeline towards you. Your heart leaps the closer he gets. When he is in front of you, he stops. Even with his mask, you can see his eyes staring at you longingly. 

You give him a sweet smile from behind your mask. "It's been a while." You tell him with a breathy laugh. 

The energy around him begins to lighten up. Its warmth is extremely inviting. You hear a chuckle from beneath the visor. "How have you been?"

You can already see his smile.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 25/5: there is some doc coming out for my fav game, aka mk11, so I might not post a chapter soon. Thank you for understanding! I'll make sure the next one is great!


	34. To Make Amends

Not wanting to be disturbed, you both agree to continue this reunion in Kylo's private quarters. Unfortunately, you don't have all the time in the world. Snoke must know of his arrival and is probably expecting Kylo to pay him a visit. Another problem, you need to be in your own quarters, no exception. Luck is not on your side.

You enter his living space, both masks immediately thrown aside. Before you can express anything, Kylo takes hold of your body and gives you an unexpected embrace. After blinking a few times in confusion, you finally relax in his arms. Even placing your own arms around his body. Since he's so big, your face is right next to his heartbeat. You notice how fast it's beating.

"I've missed you." He tenderly murmurs into your hair. Those touching words and the gentleness in his voice make you melt. How you wish this moment would stretch on for eons. 

You know he aches for affection from you as well. "Me too." While wrapping him tighter in your embrace, you answer him with a whisper. 

The moment he lets go, Your skin feels empty. You crave more. A loving touch is something you've always lacked. Kylo likely too. You two have been close to one another, but never like this. So when he held you, it felt incredible. It felt right, almost like you belong there. 

_Get your head straight!_ You internally yell at yourself, which doesn't go unnoticed by him. Seeing as he dons a half-smirk. 

Once your embarrassment subsides, you set your gaze on his face. The last few weeks must have been exhausting. He has bags under his eyes and skin appearing dull. Yet he carries a relieved smile, making him radiate like a sun in the darkness of space. And he is staring right at you, only you. 

_I just see you._ A floating thought, formed from his inner voice. Your heart skips a beat.

For a second you're both at a loss for words. Each wanting to say so much, yet all that matters right now is being near them. Without thinking you grabs his ungloved hands, intertwining your fingers with his. The craving for closeness only slightly satiated. You observe as he breaks your gaze, only to look at your connected hands. He only took a quick look, setting his eyes back on yours.

Kylo is the first to speak up. "You don't hate me anymore?" He tries to play it off as a minor joke, but you sense the doubt. It's only fair you take it away from him.

"I never truly hated you, Kylo." The mention of his name from your mouth instantly summons a smile on his face. Softly you tighten your grip, hoping your touch sends the message. "There were just so many things going wrong in my life at that time. I-I don't-"

He shakes his head, a frown replacing the smile he held before. "I know." _I know what you've been going through._

As you hear the reply in his mind, you nod. "Snoke." With that name, you confirm what he already suspected. "He gaslighted me, warping my views on us... on you." The pang in your heart a reminder of the lingering pain. Old tears welling up once more. You keep them inside, not giving Snoke the gratification of this still bleeding wound. 

A caress on your cheek brings you back from the tormenting memories, your focus once again on Kylo's concerned gaze. "You don't have to hold back with me." 

You close your eyes for a second, the feeling of his gentle caresses the only thing you perceive at that moment. Once you feel grounded again, you open them. "It's alright. I need to leave the past behind, and focus on what's in front of me." The resolve in your voice brings back a smile on his face. You swear you can sense his pride. 

"It's something we both must do it seems." He drops his hand from your cheek, changing the conversation. "The Force feels... different around you."

Of course he would notice. You let out a deep sigh. "I never fitted in the Dark Side. Another forceful decision from Snoke. This is how I'm meant to shape it, with neither dark or light guiding me." You explain to him delicately. Kylo knows a lot more about the Force, so he must have read about others from the past who are just like you. 

A thinking expression appears on his features. In your eyes, it makes him look cute. You chuckle softly, unheard by Kylo. "I've heard of Grey Jedi, but never of a Force-user adopting neither. Are you sure you feel no call, at all?" He questions you, not really believing in such possibility. 

You shrug. "No. Never. Even when I push myself towards the Dark Side, it feels very restrictive. Like I don't belong there. The same for the Light Side."

Puzzled by your explanation, he stares off into nothing. "Interesting..." He states, but then looks back to you. "Do you feel stronger now?"

Slightly taken aback by his question, you shoot him a confused expression. "What do you mean?" 

He takes a step towards you. "You said using the Dark Side makes you feel restricted. Did you let go before?"

You look down, reminded of the scene that happened in the safe house. "Yes, on coruscant. You didn't know about that mission, did you?" 

He shakes his head. "No, but I felt it." He eyes you calculating, anticipating his next words carefully. "Now that you let go of it, did you observe an increase in strength?" 

The rush you felt at that moment, the power and strength. It plays before you. Perhaps you are stronger. "Maybe? I haven't really tested it."

Out of nowhere he breaks the hand-holding and places them on your shoulders, gripping them tightly. It makes you wince, unsure of the implications. "There is no maybe. With the connection we share, I can only assume you are as strong in the Force as me." There is a desperation in his voice, created from defiance. 

This doesn't feel right. Darkness is rising all around you. "I... guess? Where are you going with this?" Your unease starts seeping through. 

He lets go and takes a step back. "The two of us," He gestures from you to him frantically. "we can become unstoppable. You don't have to fear Snoke any longer. Once your power is at its peak, we can take him down together."

So that's why he has been away. To train and become stronger in order to dethrone his own master. "Why take down Snoke? Why not just leave?" You question him, apprehensive about the direction of this conversation. 

"So he can't hurt you anymore." He shouts, the look he gives you is filled with anguish. You fall silent, allowing him to continue. "I should have never left you with him. If only I had been stronger-" He clenches his fists, struggling to find the right words. "You have no idea how weak I felt, seeing you toil with torment and not being able to take it away from you." 

Your breathing stopped. His heavy guilt lingers all around him weighs on your heart. Like his emotions are your own. You start to reach for him, but stop yourself when there is a knock on the door. 

"Commander Ren, Snoke is awaiting your visit." A modulated voice sounds after the knocks. It seems luck has run out.

Kylo lets out a deep sigh, glancing towards you. "I'll be there in five minutes." He replies dryly, clearly not happy with the interruption. 

"But Sir-"

"Did you not hear me!" He screams full of agitation. It has been so long since you've heard him like this, that it makes you recoil in panic. Aware of your unease, he takes a steady breath to extinguish his anger. "Be out soon. Let Snoke know of my arrival."

The presence in front of the door scrambles away, leaving Kylo at peace. He strides to you, this time taking your hands in his. You level your gaze to him, a longing stare taking you in. "I have an important meeting with Snoke tomorrow, so we have to postpone our reunion until later this week." Gently he places a piece of hair behind your ears, earning him a slight blush from you. 

Yet again you wish to stay like this. For once he openly showed you his true character, Ben Solo. A man who cares about you and all those dear to him. But as long as Snoke lives, Ben will never rise to the surface willingly. And you can't grow with that snakes looming over your shoulder. The decision to leave will be heartbreaking, but it's necessary. For you and for him. "I'll see you later Kylo." A promise, not a goodbye. You grow a genuine smile, beaming at him. You notice him swallowing hard, an unknown flicker in his eyes. 

"Of course you will."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> To those who follow my story from chapter to chapter: I LOVE YOU <3  
> To Those who only started reading my story: I LOVE YOU TOO <3  
> I see you and I appreciate you


	35. Allies

With a heavy heart, you leave his quarters. You pray to the stars he'll forgive you for the betrayal you are about to commit towards him. In time he will understand why you choose the Resistance, so you hope.

Shutting off your Force signature, you make your way to the Supremacy's cellblock containing Resistance prisoners. Now that Snoke, Hux, and Kylo are occupied there should be no problem for you to inform them of your plans to free them and return with them to the Resistance base. If they believe your intentions at least. They might suspect you saving them is a trick. Still, you can't leave them in the dark. Tomorrow is going to be chaotic.

You arrive at your destination. A couple of stormtroopers are performing their guard duty, none in the cellblock itself. 

"Should be easy enough." You murmur to yourself. With an authoritative posture, you stride to the stormtrooper at the entrance. 

They put out their arm, implying you have to stop. "Halt, state your business before entry." Typical. Even with all the bounties placed on your head, nobody here knows what your position is. You truly live in the shadow of Ren.

Shooting a threatening glare to assert dominance, you answer them. "My business with these Resistance scum's shouldn't be your concern soldier." 

Of course they wouldn't take you seriously. They move in front of you with their weapon drawn. "Ma'am, if you won't state your reason for wanting entry, I'm afraid I'll have to call in my superior in order to remove you." Now it's their turn to threaten you. This asks for a more clear tactic.

"Really? Make sure to tell your superior you disallowed my orders from Commander Ren to interrogate the prisoners for my investigation, soldier." You narrow your eyes as you continue to argue. This time it seems to work though.

If they weren't wearing a helmet, they would have paled. "F-forgive me, Shadow of Ren! I wasn't aware you were given these orders." They step aside immediately. "Please don't tell the Commander of my insubordination, he'll kill me." Wow, you must have scared them shitless with your bluff. But you need to keep it up.

You pretend to consider their request, your silence making them even more nervous. "Alright, I won't tell him of this incident." They relax their shoulders, relieved to avoid certain death. "But you mustn't tell anyone I've been here." 

_Please take this bargain..._

You see them tilt their head in confusion. "W-why would I need to keep quiet?" They are becoming suspicious again. 

New approach, appear very human. "Well... You see, I was supposed to do this in the early part of the day cycle, but I completely forgot." You grip your mask, pretending to be embarrassed. "So in order to avoid dealing with an angry Ren, I wanted to finish my task as soon as I could. Hence the unexpected visit." 

They look straight at you, a compassionate air around them. "Oh man, I can definitely relate. On my first day of guarding duty, I forgot when my shift was. Good thing I had an amazing guy take over my shift and I took over his. Don't worry ma'am, I'll keep this a secret for you." They respond while giving a thumbs up and moving away from the entrance. 

As you enter you give back a thumbs up. Once the door shuts behind you, a deep sigh exits your lungs with pure relief. One obstacle down, a new one to tackle. How will you convince these prisoners you are on their side?

The cell come into view. You count around seven prisoners, all Resistance. One notices your arrival and signals the others, each face turning to your direction. You stop to analyze the situation. Lots of disdain coming from them which is displayed on their faces too. Big chance they know who you are.

A human male with black hair is the first to speak up. "Surprise visit from the Shadow of Ren? There really bringing in the big guns, aren't they?" Sarcasm heavy in their tone.

"Chavdri, shut up." Another human retort, this time a female.

But the one named Chavdri isn't done just yet. "What? You know it's true Rosetta. They can't break us with torture, so they send in a Force-user to finish the job. I'm shocked it wasn't Kylo Ren." He argues, throwing around his hands during the rant. 

The woman named Rosetta groans. "You're going to get yourself killed, you idiot! Stop being a smartass!" 

They appear to be the more dominant presences in this group since the others are avoiding staring at you. Clearly they've been through a lot, seeing as they aren't really frightened by your arrival. Time to deliver them some hope.

You remove your mask, showing your humanity. Your true face. "I am not here to torture you for information. Instead, I wish to help you escape the Supremacy." It goes dead quiet, their astonishment making them unable to comprehend the situation.

Chavdri approaches the bars, attention locked on you. "You really think we'll believe your tricks? How dense do you think we are!" He shouts. It's no surprise they don't believe you. Why trust your enemy?

"I'm aware nothing I say will make you trust me. I just want to inform you of my plan. Whether or not you go along with it is up to you, but your General asked me to help you escape once I decided to join the Resistance." You explain in a calm demeanor, showing you're serious. 

This time a dark skin human female comes forward. "You spoke with General Organa?"

"Yes." Looking towards her, you answer. "She made me see that my place in this war isn't by the side of the First Order, but with her."

Noting your resolve, her expression changes from doubtful to one of determination. "Pammich Nerro Goode, lead dispatcher for the Resistance. I will stand with you during the escape."

Chavdri looks baffled. "Goode, you can't be serious?"

She turns to him. "This might be our only ticket out of here. I am not letting this pass by." The firmness in her voice silences the man's argument. 

Another one comes forward, a female Faust. "Tiggs Kaiga, flight surgeon. I will stand with you."

"Vober Dand, logistics division. I will stand with you." A Tarsunt male declares, shooting you a respectful hand signal. 

Rosetta joins her allies. "Riva Rosetta, technician. Nodin Chavdri, Zari Bangel, and Min Sakul are pilots. We will stand with you."

The man Chavdri wants to complain but seems to hold himself back. 

Everyone seems to be on board. "Alright. Tomorrow, around 13:00 specific is when it'll go down. I can't provide you with weapons easily, so I will do anything in my power to protect you during the escape. We'll need to secure a shuttle, anyone capable of doing that?" You ask looking to each of them.

The woman named Bangel raises her hand. "Rosetta and I have done it before."

You give her a curt nod. "Good. I'll leave that to you two then." You aim your focus back on the whole group. "There are going to be thousands of stormtroopers patrolling this ship, we can't have them alerting the others of our escape. I'll take them down if we run into them. You can grab their weapons once I'm done."

Once everyone understands the plan, you turn around to leave. 

"Shadow?" The voice of Goode stops you from leaving. You set your gaze back on her. There is courage in her eyes. "May the Force be with you."

You tell her your name. "I prefer you call me by my name, not a title given by the First Order." You smile. "May the Force be with you all."


	36. D-day

Today is the day. No going back. It's time you leave the First Order behind of your own free will and join a cause more aligned with your moral beliefs. As soon as you wake up, you meditate to strengthen your connection to the Force, preparing for the worst. Something Ap'lek taught you in your time here. Good thing the knights aren't on this ship. You can barely handle the two already present. You pray they won't get called in if the situation goes south. Once Kylo's meeting comes closer, you start to prepare physically. The old armor you crafted on your home planet laid forgotten in your duffle bag for a long time, now it serves its purpose again. To defy, to rebel, to resist against tyranny. No more mindless puppets, no more strings. Just you and the Force, fighting for balance and peace. You ignite your lightsaber, focussing on the hum it produces in its activation. The weapon which brought hope in your life, now it will bring hope to the galaxy. That you solemnly swear. The kyber crystal within cries with relief, the mindless assassinations weighing in it as well. 

12:40, time to head towards the cellblock. You leave behind your First Order assigned armor and the gifted dagger, tokens of your toxic alliance. As you take a deep breath, you leave the room. While heading to your new allies, you avoid heavily patrolled areas. It doesn't take long until you reach your destination. In front of the door are two stormtroopers, passing their time with some game. You step in front of them, waving your hand before they can speak up.

" **You are not on guard duty.** " 

Their actions still, flowing back into a relaxed formation. "I am not on guard duty." They declare in unison. 

" **Forget you ever saw me.** " 

"I forget I ever saw you." They once again repeat after you. You release them from your grip, and they walk away not giving you a second glance.

The moment they aren't in your direct vision anymore, you start to search for the prison controls in order to open the cells without raising alarm. There are a few handles containing the cell numbers you seek. Not really finding anything else, you switch them off. A loud noise presents, still it's not an alarm. You rush inside the cellblock, only to be greeted by your freed allies. 

"You took care of the guards?" Goode asks you quickly. 

You nod your head. "I used the Force to draw them away. We have a clear path, for now."

She nods back in understanding, signaling the others to head forward with stealth. With you on the front, leading them to the hangar. You all carefully walk from hallway to hallway, never entering without scooping the area surrounding your group. None of your clothes blend into the environment, so extra care is needed to avoid potential spotting. After a long time of not running into any stormtroopers, the luck has run out. A small battalion is heading towards your direction, while a patrolling 'trooper is heading in your flank. Chavdri signs he'll take out the one 'trooper with Rosetta, likely intending to steal their weapon. You signal the rest of the group to stay behind and not leave their current position. The 'trooper makes a noise when they incapacitated them, which draws the attention from the battalion around the corner. You mentally count to three and swing yourself towards, lightsaber drawn. Their confusion allows you to make your move easier, taking down the two in front. Four left. Now their weapons are pointing to you. Using the wall as momentum, you dodge the blasts heading your way and kick down another one. Three more should be easy. You deflect the oncoming blasts, sending them back to their shooter's arms. Without their weapon and wounded, you push the remaining 'troopers down with the Force. None get up. Crisis averted, but not for long. Other squads will find them, sounding an alarm upon discovery. 

You close your eyes, scanning your immediate area. No lifeforms outside your group. "Coast is clear." You yell back. They run to you, gathering the weapons you forced away from their original carriers.

Chavdri and Rosetta catch up too. "Do we all have a weapon now?" He asks directed to everyone. You all respond by holding up your spoils of the fight. "Good, at least now we don't have to depend on just her." Rosetta bumps her elbow in his side, making him topple over with pain. Before he can ask why she did that, Goode shoots him a glare. He holds his tong. 

"We need to move. I don't know how long Ren's meeting is going to be, and others discovering their downed troops will only initiate a lockdown of the ship." You affirm angry, tired of the mistrust. Without leaving room for discussion, you head forward again. At least they continue to follow you. 

You reach the hangar without other run-ins. Something for advantage at least. Now comes the hardest part. Securing a shuttle without the whole base coming down to snuff you out. 

Around lunchtime, it is always calmer in the hangar. Off ship missions usually occur around 07:00 in the morning and around 16:00 in the afternoon. In between, there is scheduled maintenance. Good thing there are none between 13:30 and 14:00, as there is a shift switch soon. Only a few officers are talking with some squad leader, avoiding them will be uncomplicated. Dand points out a shuttle closest to the hangar exit, not big but capable of transporting around ten beings. You glance to Rosetta and Bangel, both following your finger pointed at the shuttle.

Rosetta heads closer to you. "It seems to be shut off completely. Perhaps it's out of fuel. Refilling it enough to escape through hyperspace might take a while, enough time for us to get noticed." She whispers to you, worry written on her features. 

There appear to be no available shuttles close to the exit. You curse under your breath. TIE fighters only carry one person, and stealing one for everyone is even more difficult. They can't go in hyperspace either, too fragile. The command shuttle is still on Starkiller base. This one ship might be your only hope.

You hear Rosetta call your name, awaiting your instructions. "There is no other option. We take this, or we can say our freedom goodbye. And I'm not about to ruin my chance, are you?" You question her, determined with your decision. 

She glances at Bangel, who only stare back with the same resolution as you. "Alright, we'll do it. Cover us."

Everyone quietly dashes to the shuttle. Rosetta starts working on the panels, aided by Dand and Chavdri. Sakul, Goode, Kaiga and you keep watch of the area. Once the ramp opens, you see Bangel rush inside. Now they move to a fuel port nearby to attach a pump. For now, there's no one aware of the escape. But of course, it won't last. An alarm sounds, one you are familiar with. Enemies aboard. They think you are invading, not escaping. This might delay their discovery. Lots of stormtroopers are storming around, still searching only through the halls. You take this opportunity to slightly move a ship in front of your group with the Force, staying even more out of sight. It won't fool them for long, because officers have noticed a fuel port is active which shouldn't be active at this moment. Your position is compromised. The moment you see stormtroopers taking firing position in the hangar, your leap from behind the cover and set up a Force-shield. The moment they fire, the blasts are deflected back. From behind your shield, your allies begin to fire back at stormtroopers who want to force their way through the barrier. It's a full-on shootout. 

Suddenly, a flicker ripples. And you realize Kylo knows. He is heading your way. 

"Rosetta! How long?!" You shout impatiently with a hint of fear. When Kylo is here, you can't fight him and keep up the shield. This will expose everyone to blaster fire. 

"Ten minutes, Bangel has bypassed the controls!" She replies with a shout back.

Ten minutes. You may not have ten minutes. 

You look over to your backup. "Listen! Kylo Ren will be here any minute! I want you all to be prepared to leave when I engage him! If you have to, leave without me!" You order them. 

Goode shakes her head, clenching her teeth while shooting down multiple 'troopers. "No way! We won't leave you behind!"

"It's either that or death!" You insist to her. 

A grin spreads on her lips. "Then it would be my pleasure to die alongside an ally." A declaration. You sense her willpower, leaving no room for discussion.

"The Resistance needs you! General Organa needs you!" You try again to convince her of the better option.

But to no avail. "You are way more crucial to winning this war, WE need you! Don't you dare try to change my mind!"

You shut up, not intending to argue anymore. You haven't had people like this in your life before. Comrades. People who want you around, who want your help. So you can only do what you swore to do, use your powers to protect. No excuses, you will win. 

Your breath gets caught in your throat, the air immediately becoming heavy and dark. He's here. The firing stops momentarily, allowing Kylo to advance forward. Towards you. He wears his mask, you are maskless. No more hiding. 

"Of all people, it is you who betrays me?" He asks calmly, but you know better. Underneed it all, he is seething. Angry and perplexed. Hurt. "For these Resistance scum?" He spits out the words, fueled with hate and disdain. 

You don't cease your barrier, not yet. However, you do slightly lower your arms. Almost like you are asking him to calm down. "You see this as betrayal, but it's not. I'm merely taking the path I started on."

He points his gloved finger accusingly. "Do. Not. Try to rationalize your actions! What you are doing is going against the First Order by aiding these prisoners to escape." He shouts, his anger showing in his words.

"Good. That was my intention." You argue back, stalling for as long as you can. 

_So you're just going to leave me too?_ "I won't hesitate to take you down, traitor!" He threateningly steps forward, drawing his lightsaber. Not yet activating it. "Unless you surrender now. Surrender, and I won't cut down your precious Resistance friends." _Please..._

He knows you can hear him, these words he can't express freely. Going against his pain is the last thing you want to do, but you have to. "I need to leave the past behind." _The First Order._ "And let the Force guide me forward." _Balance and peace._ You hope your message reaches him. That he doesn't think you are doing this because of him, but rather in pursuit of your own ideologies. 

His anger has gotten to a point of no return, the Dark Side taking over. Reason won't stop him anymore. The red light flickers on, buzzing dangerously. Slowly he points it towards you, battle-ready. A fight is now inevitable. Before he can pierce through your shield, you draw your own lightsaber. Embedding it with the Force, you strike it down on the floor, creating an incredible shockwave that levels every stormtrooper in the area and even destroys a few TIE fighters. Many 'troopers are unable to fight again, but Kylo remains standing. 

He leaps forward with an overhead strike, intending to deal a heavy blow so your stamina takes a big first hit. All your sparing with him makes him predictable. Defensive combat is more on your side in this fight. With each strike you evade, parrying only lightly. It's not because you are careful, but because you don't want to wound him too much. Something he catches onto. 

"What's wrong, is it against your moral code to injure your opponent?" He taunts, shrugging off your weak pushback. He intents to shift you out of balance, tipping the advantage to him. 

You keep your calm demeanor. "No. I just don't want to hurt you, Ben." You notice the immediate effect of his true name being used, a shudder rippling through his body.

His posture becomes predator-like. "How do you know that name?" He hisses out, the anger and fear mixing in his energy. He's becoming unstable.

You shrug your shoulders lightly. "How do you think?" Now it's your turn to taunt. 

"You've spoken to General Organa." He guesses right, you show him a cocky smile. Enervating him even more. "Did she tell you the truth as well? Or only blatant lies?" He challenges, expecting to hear what has always been in his mind.

You shake your head, smile still present. "No, she told me about your lineage. The rest I figured out myself." 

He dashes forward, intending to end the back and fort taunts. Instead of evading, you take to blows with the perfect defense. This way you can keep him close to continue the conversation. The lightsabers are stuck together, neither of them budging. Staring straight at him, you frown. "Leia just wants her son back." You whisper to him softly. 

The glare on his features doesn't falter though. "The Ben Solo she knew is dead. I killed him." Even in his angry tone, you still hear the hesitation. There is still light in him.

"No, Ben isn't dead. I've felt him." You retort, defying his claim. This time you flood him with your memories, all containing the side he claims to be dead. He's resisting you, but doing so mentally and physically weakens his grip on your collision. Noting his weakening, you take the opportunity to push him away with the Force. Separating the two of you. Goode and the others are still covering you when you were fighting and the shuttle appears to be flight-ready. You signal to them. As they run towards the ship, you follow suit. A few blaster bolts pass beside you, so you place back a shield with one arm. It isn't big, but it'll cover you. In the corner of your eye, you spot Kylo rushing towards you with his lightsaber still drawn. You meet his attack with your weapon, though you won't drop the shield. His blow comes hard, your wrist aching. You cannot fight him off like this, another Force attack might do the trick. You leap back putting some distance. Once again you focus Force-power into your saber and slash the air, creating an aerial shockwave. Kylo tries to parry but is unable to. The blow strikes him far back, giving you back an edge. You sprint to the open ramp, jumping on. They try to take off quickly.

 _No!_ Kylo shouts in his mind, extending his arm so he can pull back the ship. A 'trooper mistakes the gesture as a signal to fire. Your shield is down and you are unaware of the approaching shot. He tries to make it stop midair, but it's too late. He can't safe you.

But your ally can. Goode pulls you into the ship, shifting so the blast hits her. "No!" You scream, Kaiga helping you pull Goode back inside to treat her immediately. She takes her into a hold leaving you to close the ramp completely. Before it closes, you shoot a glare to Ren. Regret clings to him. 

The shuttle sets off into hyperspace the moment it's ready, leaving the Supremacy behind. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Feedback is appreciated!
> 
> inspo song: Skillet - Legendary; Skillet - Lions


	37. The Aftermath: Snoke's perspective

Kylo is bowing before his master, head hanging low. "The prisoners and Ghost have escaped. Please forgive me for this failure Supreme Leader. I won't let this betrayal of the First Order slide."

Snoke doesn't seem convinced. "Your words don't match your emotions, my apprentice. The words insinuate anger, yet all I sense from you is sadness. You don't hate that she betrayed you, but feel bitter because she left."

He clenches his hands, ashamed Snoke figured him out just like that. "She means nothing to me." _Liar._

Rising from his throne, he slowly inches to Kylo's kneeling form. "Take off that ridiculous mask." He hisses the order. Kylo obeys. "Ah, there it is. Written all over your face. I told you sentiment would lead to disappointment. IF you had trained her with a steady hand like mine, she would have never conspired against us." His face warps into something menacing, fueled with anger. "This fiasco is your fault and it's will be your mess to clean up! Find her, and bring her before me!!" His demand continues to echo through the giant throne room. The only response he receives from Kylo is a nod as he rises to leave, disdain directed to Snoke following close behind. 

Snoke's plan has shattered. He knew you would betray the First Order and run over to the Resistance, but not like this. The connection between you and Kylo Ren is something special, unseen for centuries. It's something that will pull Kylo Ren to the Light Side if not broken. So he created the rift. Forcing you into the Dark Side, edging Kylo Ren to hold you in a vice grip, making you both suffer through conflicted feelings. And when you finally were to leave him without an explanation as to why, Ben Solo would die forever as Kylo Ren turns over to the Dark Side indefinitely and renounces the Light forever. Becoming the ultimate vessel for the Sith. Yet you came back. You came back and talked to him. Feeding him reasons for doubts to sprout inside of him. This will make him hold on to you, believing you can still come back to him. Expectations, a possibility for reconciliation. He can't have that, not when Kylo Ren is so close to snuffing out his parents. He might need to take drastic measures in order to assure you won't meddle any further.

Hux could provide him with a solution soon.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Small chapters are back! (only on occasions, like this.)  
> Want a small chapter about Kylo's feeling of the aftermath? Yes or no in the comments!


	38. Spacetrip

Three hours into hyperspace and you still have no idea where you are going. However the destination isn't on your mind, your friend Goode is. Kaiga is still preforming the emergency surgery, apparently needing the space. Can't blame her, the shuttle may be able to carry ten beings but it's unprepared for sudden medical emergencies. That's what happens when your troops are expendable. 

For the last twenty minutes you have been pacing around, no doubt the others thought you mad. But you can't help it, the guilt is eating you alive and so is the ire towards Kylo. You saw his hand extended, likely commanding the shot. He probably didn't think it would hit you. Unfortunately for you, fatigue has set in. Using the Force in this new way continues to make you feel overwhelmed. This is definitely something you need to improve, considering the most powerful Force-users in this galaxy are now your number one enemies. 

The sound of an opening door startles you away from your mind, focusing your eyes on the origin. Kaiga has exited the makeshift surgery room. You walk up to her with a frantic look. "Please, let it be good news..." You heavily breathe out, anxious for her answer.

She lowers her gaze slightly, breaking the eye-contact you forced upon her. "For now, she is stable. But she needs to be put in a bacta tank if she ever wants to recover. The blast hit many internal organs." 

You feel your heart break and tears threatening to spill. "No." Immediately you turn around, striding towards the cockpit. "When will we arrive on your base?!" You shout, your hostility alarming the room.

Chavdri stands up, annoyed with the sudden outburst. "Look, 'Ghost', we are trying to not get detected by the First Order by taking a different route. We all want Goode to live, not just you! So instead of freaking out on us, have a little bit of faith. Like we had towards you."

As you opened your mouth to argue back, you control yourself again. "Right. Carry on." As sudden as you came, you leave. When the door closes, you grab your head. The outburst carried the flare of the Dark Side. Old habits are hard to unlearn. You want to be able to express your anger without wishing to harm others or having to dominantly control the situation. Still, it's the only way you've been taught in the Force. You hope Leia can help you with this problem. Deep inside, you wish Ben could teach you. How naïve.

Taking another deep breath, you go back to Kaiga. "Can I see her?" You ask softly. 

She nods. You trail behind her into a separate room. There she is, unconscious. At least her chest is still rising and falling. Slowly you step forward. When you are within arm's length, you put your hand in hers, feeling the warmth of her body.

_No way! We won't leave you behind!_

_Then it would be my pleasure to die alongside an ally._

_WE need you!_

How you wish she wouldn't have deemed you more crucial to this war than her. That way, you would have been on this table instead of her. Guilt from the past starts resurfacing, making the cracks in your damaged soul wider. You clench your eyes and hand, unable to look at her. Your dark thoughts start disappearing, replaced by light. 

_I wanted to save you. You matter to me. I know you can build a better future._

You release her hand like you've been burned by it. It was her voice that spoke to you. Or was it? 

A soft knock and your name call you back into reality. "We've arrived on D'Qar, our base."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Can you tell I have depression from my writing? Naaaaaaah....


	39. Meeting the General... Again

Stepping on land, you have no idea what to expect. Lush forests and jungle-like landscape, nice and warm. So different from a snowy planet like Ileum aka Starkiller base. God, you may love snow, but knowing you never have to set foot on that planet again makes you feel instant relief. 

You left the shuttle last, making room for the paramedics to retrieve Goode. Kaiga followed with them, leaving you with the others. They were by their colleagues, or perhaps friends, and you don't want to stick yourself into a situation you have no part in. Nobody is looking at you weirdly for acting like a wallflower, nor are they questioning why you are with them or who you are. That doesn't go on for long, you have been noticed.

"Who are you? Are you the one that saved these people from the Supremacy." They question you, no threatening tone. More a curious one.

You nod slightly. "It was a team effort." You reply vaguely. Do they know your identity, or not?

They beam a smile at you, making the stress in your body disappear. "C'mon, no need to be humble! You're a Resistance hero! Follow me, I'll show you around base." 

During the tour, you learned his name. Albee, an Abednedo male scout for the Resistance. He seems friendly. You are surprised by the number of people operating on this base. How the First Order never found out so far is mindblowing to you, especially with the amount of information you drained from Resistance members. Which you still feel guilty of, mind you. Is this something you can ever tell them? Would they forgive you? 

When you finally saw the whole operation, you are greeted by General Organa on your way to the medbay. "It's good to see you." There is that motherly voice, the one that gives you so much peace inside. 

"Good to see you too." You smile at her, but drop it quickly. "I was on my way to see Goode. Do you know if she's out of the bactatank yet?" You ask, still concerned over her condition.

Leia starts to frown, the pit in your stomach growing. "No, not yet. The blast eviscerated many of her intestinal organs..." Did she choke up a little? "She may not make it..."

That answer leaves you breathless. 

_Why... She did not deserve this fate..._

Hands are set on your face, bringing your attention back to Leia's kind eyes. "It isn't your fault. Besides, a miracle can always occur. We need to have hope."

A couple of tears blur your vision. It's no time to cry. Save them for when it really matters. 

"Of course. Kaiga is there. She's in good hands." You force yourself to smile, hoping it stops the tears from forming. Leia softly pats your cheeks before letting go. As she walks away, she gestures you to follow.

Stopping before a room, she turns back to you. "This room is currently empty, you can have it." Stepping aside, she allows you to enter. It's smaller than the room you had on Starkiller, but at least it has a giant window. The view is stunning. After you thank her with gratitude, she leaves you alone to settle in. The room contains the same furniture as your previous quarters, the only thing missing is a shower. They are likely communal here, like with the stormtroopers. Overall, it looks dreary because of all the stone walls and floors. Perhaps you can cheer this place up a bit with some minor trinkets. 

Your thoughts are interrupted by a knock, followed by the opening of your door. It's Rosetta. "Hi." She says meekly.

A small laugh escapes you seeing her act so timid. "Hello."

She skips inside, pulling you into a casual hug. It startles you. This time it's her laugh filling up the place. "Everything happened so fast and hectically I didn't have the chance to thank you yet." She releases you and takes a step back. "Thank you so much, for everything." The smile she beams at you is beautiful, it makes the corners of your mouth turn up too.

"It was no problem. You guys saved my day as well." Thinking again of Goode, your light behavior goes sour. "I'm sorry Goode got severely injured because of me. I should have done something-"

Rosetta puts her hand up, silencing you. "Even a powerful Force-user like you can't save everyone. We are at war, casualties are unavoidable. That doesn't mean we can't feel sad about the death toll."

Sadness overtakes you once more. Vile actions of your past clouding your mind. Your empty gaze sets on her profound eyes. "I've done... Terrible things. I have to atone for them."

The distance between you two is closing, then none existent. The hug she gives envelops you entirely. "Many of us have. But our actions from the past don't define who we are today and what we fight for tomorrow. We will be better."

Wrapping your arms around her, you return the comforting gesture. At least now you have people like her in your life. That makes the burden you carry a little bit lighter. 


	40. Bound through the Force

General Organa and you came to an agreement to keep your assassin identity hidden, for now at least. Some of the scars you left are still fresh to some. So in order to fit in better, the secret is kept. Not like people are dying to get to know you, seeing as your way too serious face doesn't appear very approachable. What trauma does to a person. 

Goode recovered a little amount, but she remains in a coma since last week. Otherwise, she would be in a lot of pain and perhaps even a risk to her recovery. It is still a fifty percent chance that she won't make it, but you try not to dwell on it. Expecting the worst has never been good for you. Ever since she's been placed in a separate room, you've been visiting her every day. Kaiga is her main physician which is why you were granted this opportunity. The others you escaped with visit her too, whenever they have time to spare. You are thankful they continue to talk with you. They've been your only real conversation partners ever since landing here. Your relationship with Chavdri has slightly improved, to your surprise. The nature of your relationship holds an air of sass, clearly a trait all pilots carry you've noticed. 

The days pass by quickly. Whenever you aren't visiting Goode or talking to your former prison breakers, you help Leia with whatever knowledge you have on the First Order. Your strategic input is also highly appreciated. Slowly you made yourself a spot within their board. If the others question your familiarity with First Order business, Leia quickly brushes them off. Besides, the information you have is going to be outdated soon anyway. Things always change very fast in the First Order, no wonder the Resistance is biting on whatever you share. Anything that is viable will be handed over to the New Republic too. So far it hasn't let towards anything, but Leia continues to have hope. You really admire the strength she carries. 

And in your free time? You train. Every so often, Leia gives you tips from her own padawan days. Like using the terrain and training droids. Luckily, you already have a lot of training and battle experience under your belt. The only thing missing is a sparring partner. Despite that, you manage. The way you use the Force isn't bound to technics you can trace back, so you have to figure it out on your own. Slowly but surely. 

At this exact moment, you reside in your room. It looks slightly less bleak with all the stuff you put around. Pro's of living on a lively planet, you find many cool-looking trinkets. Some are from Bangel and Sakul, convincing you to have some 'girly' decor. While placing them, you hear a soft scratchy noise.

"Please don't be some giant insect making itself home." You sigh tiredly. Recently you haven't been sleeping well at all. The jungle is more alive than you expected. If it isn't the animal noises keeping you up, it sure is the new Force-ability you discovered. Tapping into the life-line within the Force of this planet to oversee all the living beings it contains. Sometimes you do this in your sleep, making it impossible to actually rest. A beautiful blessing, but a restless curse. 

You inch down in front of the tiny crack in the wall, peering through it. Nothing to see with the naked eye, so you opt for using the Force. You focus your attention and calm your breathing. Slowly you feel yourself tap in, the scratching fading out. As you sense a life-force inside, another sound fills your ears. A buzzing, turning into machinery. Almost like you're on a ship. Your eyes open wide at the realization. On instinct, you stand up and turn around. Back against the wall. There he stands. Kylo Ren. The first thought that crosses your mind: _Is this a trick??_

Kylo snaps around, his eyes confused but quickly turn into anger. He extends his hand towards you, tapping in the Force. " **You will give me the location of your base.** " You don't move, nor do you answer him. Realizing it failed, he lowers his arms and takes a defensive stance. Not yet drawing his saber. "Why are you here? Did you come to an epiphany that keeping me alive isn't beneficial to your precious cause?" He accuses you with a sneer.

You frown at his words. _What is he talking about? Does he think I'm on Starkiller?_ "You think so low of me." You reply hesitantly, still trying to figure out what is happening. 

While shooting you a menacing glare, he steps closer. "You betrayed me! What else are you expecting?! For me to welcome you back with open arms?" The hurt in that sentence is looming over him. 

"I won't hurt you unless you give me no choice Kylo. Anyway, I have no idea how you see this situation, but I'm not on Starkiller. In fact, I am not even near that region." You cross your arms, dismantling his accusation. 

He seems to consider your claim, seeing as his anger changes back to confusion. "How are you doing this?" Not an accusation, more like genuine curiosity.

"Me??? How are you doing this? I'm not that skilled in the Force, you know." 

The glare is back. "As if I want to communicate with a traitor." He retorts.

 _Ow, that stings._ You sarcastically roll your eyes during your mental comeback. 

"What if.." He begins. "It's our connection." Considering the idea, he grabs his chin. Something he often does when thinking. 

You shake your head. "That's not possible."

He scoffs at your input. "Anything is possible with the Force. As long as It wills it." 

Before you can speak up, you are interrupted by multiple knocks on your door and someone calling your name. "Are you there?"

Panicked slightly, you turn around only to be met with an empty space. Kylo is gone. Were you hallucinating this? Must be the lack of sleep.

"Yeah, I'm here." You open the door. "Sorry, I was inspecting a crack on the wall. What's up?" You offer Rosetta a strained smile. 

She gives you a funny look. "Why were you talking to yourself?"

 _Oh no! How much did she hear??? Could she hear Kylo as well?_ "What do you mean?" Hoping she won't notice, you play it off dumbly.

"You said something about it being impossible?" _Oh thank the stars!_

"O-oh. Well I figured out something is in there, but I can't get it out with my hands. Trust me, I tried." You laugh, easing your suspicious behavior. 

Her facial expression turns back to cheery. "I came to ask if you want to grab some dinner, but if you want I can help you out with this little bug problem?" She jokes, having believed your lie. 

You flop around your hands, rejecting her offer. "No need. I was able to kill it when you knocked. So, about that dinner?"

Grinning slyly, she motions you to come along. Hastily you glance inside your room. No Kylo. With a relieved heart, your mind fixates on your new task. FOOD.


	41. Force-Skype

That one weird 'Force-Skype' moment you had with Kylo hasn't recurred. It has been a week since that inevitable "You betrayed me!" discussion. You do wonder if he means it. During your duel on the Supremacy, you tried to convey with your mind why you did what you did. The chances of him hearing you should have been high. The only way he hadn't is if Snoke interfered. Could he even do that? He's powerful and has lots of experience, but to the point he can control other's abilities? You hope not. That would make beating him close to impossible. 

In order to let those horrid thoughts float into nothing, a good run in the jungle should do the trick. With all those insects flying around, bringing along your lightsaber is a must. This new environment is excellent for training your stamina and flexibility in a new way, especially with the constantly changing terrain. You run and slice for about two hours before choosing to rest. Sweat clings to you heavily. You definitely need a bath after this. Showers may be a quick fix, but you love baths. They are your best stress reliever.

Trying to catch your breath, you sit yourself down on a fallen tree trunk. Once your breathing becomes normal, you sense this tingle. For some odd reason, it feels nice. You allow it to continue while closing your eyes, not resisting in the slightest. The quiet tingle turns into a buzz, seemingly opening you up to something. You try to figure out what it means but are interrupted from your thoughts.

"What are you so happy about?"

Your eyes snap open, breath stuck in your throat. "Force almighty! Can you not do that?!" You scream, clearly not expecting Kylo to show up in front of you.

Your reaction makes a smirk appear on his mouth. "Always be ready. You never know when your enemy will strike." He teases you in a cocky tone. 

After rolling your eyes into oblivion, you opt to strike back. "Perhaps you should learn to be wearier. You never know when your closest ally will betray you." You mock cheaply, aware the wound is still fresh. 

The face he shoots you is intimidating, but nothing you aren't already used to. "Guess you're right." He whispers under his breath. Instead of reacting further, he goes back to whatever he's been doing before this connection. You can't exactly see what, but going from his sweaty appearance he must have been training. The fact that he doesn't engage with you any longer makes you feel awkward keeping watch of him. It almost forces you to reflect on your mean comeback. Almost. You don't know whether you should leave or try to strike up a conversation again. Somehow option two sounds way more civil.

"Why would the Force connect us like this?" You initiate hesitantly, not sure if he wants to talk.

His shoulders drop a bit, gaze set in your direction. "So now you want to know?" The sentence sounds more like a statement, not a question. 

"Well, this is the second time it happened without our consent. More instances will happen in the future unless we figure this out." Rising from your seat, you raise your point. 

He starts facing you a bit more, a frown set on his eyebrows. "Clearly you didn't care last time. Why else did you disappear?" Yet again holding an accusing tone, an antic you are growing tired of.

You groan annoyedly and cross your arms. "Kylo, I have no idea why it cut off last time, Okay? Someone knocked on my door and when I turned back,-" Frantically gesturing around you. "empty space where you once stood." Now it's your turn to glare, daring him to accuse you of something you have no control over. Instead of handing you his suggestions, he makes himself comfortable on the ground. "Uh. You okay there?"

No reaction, expression remaining neutral. "If you want solutions, we have to go over every possibility. No lies, no tricks." If only he didn't sound so reasonable. 

Still, you feel doubt. "Aren't I a traitor? Why would you exchange information that could benefit me?" You ask him sincerely.

Noticing this, he sighs. "It involves the Force between us. Not our alliances."

Nodding softly, you take a seat in front of Kylo. This is something between you two, nobody else can help you anyway. "Alright. What do you speculate?" You proclaim in a serious tone, showing off how professional you actually are.

The corner of his mouth twitches somewhat. "I've read about Jedi and Sith experiencing a form of bond through the Force. Like connected minds, exchanging strength, among others. Whatever we share has never been documented in the past." 

Before going through options, you want to ask his opinion. "Any idea what makes us different?"

He shrugs his shoulders. "Perhaps our equal strength in the Force plays a part?" 

Something inside you assures it's not that. "Our paths are too different. There's no way others with these connections always had the same amount of power." You reason, mostly with yourself. 

A quiet laugh escapes him. "Don't you know that opposites attract?" He jokes.

You give him a funny look. "Says who?" Playing along, you set your arms on your hips. 

He does an exaggerated defeated face. "Trust me, I've seen it enough during my youth." 

That made you genuinely laugh. Leia told you stories of her and Han, how much they bickered during the Rebellion. Yet they couldn't help but fall for each other. For some reason, those deep chats often turned into talks of regret. One that springs up the most is about Ben. Your laughter stops. Coyly you bring your gaze back to his. He seems to be unaware of the change in demeanor as he continues to think of a possible clarification. A troubling question lays on your tongue, yet you can't muster the courage to share. The stiff hesitation forces you to look away, giving you a moment to collect your thoughts and push yourself to just do it.

"Ben-" 

Emptiness. The silent jungle your only companion once more. One worry floats through your mind. _Was it something I did?_

During your link, the evening started falling. Only an hour until it's completely dark out. You really need to get back, if you don't want to miss dinner. As you scramble to leave, you quickly glance back at the spot he sat just a few seconds ago. A tiny smirk graces your mouth. _See you soon..._


	42. Wait a minute...

The number of times you tried to will the connection between you and Kylo: Way too many. So you conclude forcing it with your power only results in failure. Which proves your point that these instances happen without either of you doing this. Maybe an outside force? (Like idk, the ACTUAL Force). There is still so much you don't know. If only he was here. You may harbor some mixed feeling towards him, after all he is the reason Goode remains in a coma, but he's the only person who you can figure this out with. Well thank the stars you aren't connected with Hux, that stick up his ass attitude would get you nowhere. With Kylo you only have to control his temper. Yes, his temper, and not yours. 

Would Leia have anything related to her training? No harm in asking her. That is your mission for the day. There have been a few Outerspace missions here and there, yet none you were asked to join. If you had to guess a reason, they might have been below your 'skill-level'. Look at you being all proud of your acquired strength. 

You arrive at the board room, peeking from behind the entrance. In a second you spot her. With a smile, you step towards her in a greeting manner. Before you can call on her attention, another person enters abruptly. His voice filling the entire room immediately. "I've found a lead on the map!" You recognize this guy. Those luscious curls and lovely tanned skin. That toothy smile which made you sorta melt one fateful evening. Poe. You've forgotten all about him, until now. Your mind rolls back to what he declared. Curiosity gnawing inside. Something pushing you to satiate it. 

"A map to what or whom?" You speak up without thinking.

His honey-brown eyes fall on you, surprised by your presence. The surprise turns to uncertainty. "Do I know you?"

 _Crap. Crap. How much does he remember from that night?_ "Do I know YOU?" You retort in a childish manner. As if you weren't already a weird human bean. 

He wants to argue but rethinks his words. "Fair point." Poe turns around with an open mouth to continue his important briefing to Leia, only to make a U-turn back towards you. "Aren't you that lady from Coruscant? The alcohol expert?" He's really trying to place you, convinced of his intuition. 

Should you go along with it? Tell the truth? "...Maybe."

The frown turns into a radiating smile. "You were Resistance? How come I didn't notice? I would never forget a pretty lady like you as my ally." Again that suave voice of his. 

Someone clears their throat. "Poe, the lead. Now." Leia commands him.

In an instant, he turns serious. "Right, right." He takes a glance at you. "Is she allowed to hear it?"

Leia nods.

"Alright then." He offers you that sly signature wink, before obeying his superiors order. "My source has reason to believe part of the map is in possession of Lor San Tekka. His whereabouts are currently unknown." 

"San Tekka? Of course, why didn't I think him?" Leia proclaims hopeful. It's likely she knows who that is. "He was there with Luke, right before he disappeared that night."

Luke. You recognize that name. "Luke, as in Luke Skywalker? The Jedi who brought down the Empire?" You hesitantly ask the question, a weird feeling bouncing in your body. 

The sound of his full name brings a smile to Leia's graceful features. "My brother."

_Wait. Leia's brother???_

You stand there dumbfounded at the revelation. That's what you get for living on a planet that doesn't give two kriffs about politics, or history. You've heard the tales, but the accuracy might be off. "I didn't know. Besides I thought he had died, with the whole rise of the First Order and all that..." 

Her lovely smile turns into a hurt expression. "No, he's alive. After the... incident with Ben, Luke exiled himself to atone for his failure. But we need him now more than ever, which is why I send Poe to find a lead on his whereabouts." She explains to you. 

So Luke is the reason for Ben's change to Kylo. He was supposed to be the Light in this galaxy. How can it all go so wrong? You've sensed the duality within him in your time together. During battle he is in tune with the Dark Side, yet on other moments he radiates so much. Always trying desperately to push down the Light Side that calls him. _When darkness rises, an equal in the light comes forward to meet it._ It makes sense that Luke Skywalker will be his opposite in the Light. You cannot be the Light in this war, but you are able to aid it.

"That's how we will beat Snoke. Once he's here, he can train you too." Leia continues while pacing around a star-map of the Outer Rim. 

This catches your attention. "Leia... I can't be a Jedi." You say softly. You know she has the best intentions, but it has been tough to explain how your connection to the Force works. All she has known is Dark and Light, never neither. 

You hear her sigh. "So you've said many times. But we need the Light Side of the Force in order to bring balance."

Arguing wouldn't further the conversation, so you remain neutral. "Let's focus on finding Luke first, shall we?" You turn towards Poe. "Any knowledge where Lor San Tekka might be?" 

Poe nods. "He has been spotted on many Outer Rim planets after the fall of the Jedi Order. I might be able to track him down with some detective work." He smirks when answering your question, never ceasing to be his charming self. 

"I'll entrust you with this task. Whatever you need, tell me. I'll try to arrange everything within my influence." Leia states. "Dismissed." As a new set of officers enter the room, she ends this sudden meeting. 

You start to leave, yet you feel someone's eyes on you. Quietly you glance behind you, locking eyes with Poe. The expression on his face indicates he still wants to talk. You gesture him to follow you. When you reach your room, you allow Poe to enter. "Get it out there Poe. Your constant smirks are giving me anxiety." You jokingly break the silence. To your relief, he laughs at your silly attempt at lighting the mood.

Many questions are floating through his mind. Not that you are actively listening in, but it's so loud you can't help but overhear. Finally he settles on one. "How real was it?" He asks, a nervous aura seeping out of him. 

You did not foresee this kind of question. You aren't even sure if what you think it means is what he's asking you. "Care to elaborate?" 

Seeing such a flirt like him flustered is doing things to you. Admittedly, Kylo's flustered moments always made your heart race like a mad man. Must be because you aren't used to these sorts of advances. 

"Do I really need to explain-" He interrupts his own embarrassment. "We had some, you know, good chemistry that night."

"Oh." _Oh... He's talking about the "invite me to your room" shenanigans. Well, this is awkward._ Time to break it to him. "I'm sorry Poe... I was trying to fit in for a mission. That doesn't mean the chemistry was fake or anything, but I really wasn't aiming for... something intimate." You coyly explain, trying to word it carefully. 

His face falls at the rejection. "No, no! I totally get it. Really. Been there, done that if you know what I mean." You know he's trying to make you feel less awkward, yet you can sense the pang of hurt. Masked by a half-smile. It feels bad. 

"We can always be friends? If you'd have me?" A genuine guy like him deserves true intentions, not forced interactions. 

A fun smile replaces the hurt. "Yeah, I'd like that." He murmurs softly. As if he remembers something of great importance, he stops his uneager attempt to leave. "You know, there's this game night tomorrow evening. We have drinks and music, you'll get to know new people. So with this, I've offered you a chance to join me. Be very humbled." He offers you, slight humor in his tone. 

Sounds like an opportunity to unwind. Maybe Rosetta and Bangel can join you, Dand too if he doesn't have the night shift. "Then I have no choice but to take you up on your offer. Expect me." You retort with the same amount of banter. 

This place is really starting to grow on you.


	43. Don't Start Now

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Crack chapter!!! Be Warned!!!  
> Ever since hearing this song constantly on the radio, I always imagined the scene below. You don't have to see it as canon to the story, but it is to me ;)  
> Enjoy none the less!!!!

Rosetta and Bangel are all in for this game night. Weirdly Chavdri invited himself along too. You didn't think the guy would enjoy the silliness. To be fair, he only wants to join because of the available alcoholic drinks. Sometimes booze can bring out even the most stoic people. 

As your group arrives, you are immediately greeted by Poe with open arms. "You made it!" 

"Wouldn't miss it for the world." You smile while going for a side-hug. "So what's the plan for tonight?"

He shrugs. "Whatever you like. We got music if you want to dance, drinks if you want to get wasted, or a table on which we play poker. Unfortunately not strip poker, so we make do with karaoke poker." 

Sounds like a party already.

"What is karaoke poker?" Bangel asks something you've been wondering as well.

A toothy smirk forms on Poe's lips. "The first one out has to sing along with the radio. Not completely karaoke, still performance is heavily suggested."

Okay, so you lose, you humiliate yourself. Easy enough rules. Not easy to accomplish, considering you haven't played in a lifetime. You look over to Rosetta and Bangel, both agreeing on karaoke poker. 

Rosetta notices your stares. "You onboard? Or would you prefer to do something else?" 

You really don't want to be a boring party-pooper, besides it sounds like a jolly old time with all these drunk people. "Only if you show me the ropes first." You grin, showing your eagerness. 

Before Rosetta can reply, a wild Poe jumps in front of you. "I would teach you. Not to brag, but I'm known as the expert of karaoke poker." He wiggles funnily those dark brows of his. You can't help but giggle.

"Alright then expert, I'm eager to receive your teachings." Going along with the playfulness, you bow in front of Poe. Earning a whistle from your friends. 

"Good luck you guys, it's time to get my drink on." Chavdri suddenly announces, you'd almost forgotten he was here.

As you wave him off, you follow Poe to the grand poker table. You sit down with him on your right and Bangel on your left, Rosetta joins beside her. 

"And of course I need to introduce you all." Poe goes over the table clockwise, saying each of their names and occupations. "Last but not least, these amazing siblings, Paige and Rose Tico. Now that the formalities are out of the way, let's play." 

The first few rounds you followed along with Poe, steadily getting the hang of the rules while also enjoying the losers of each game sing and dance happily on the table in front of everyone. For now you aren't the only one watching, as the one introduced as Rose is watching along with her sister too. You've noticed she sneaks some stares towards you every so often. As you don't want to assume her intentions, you try ignoring it. You sense no ill-wishing thoughts after all. When the fifth game ends, you feel ready to join in. Your dealt cards look pretty good at first, until the amount of chips keeping rising and nobody is passing. For some reason you have this feeling that someone is doing this deliberately. Your doubts are confirmed when you have no choice but to fold. 

"Kriffing hell Poe, you set me up!" You shout at him when he's clearly displaying his happiness of your loss. 

Cockily he shrugs with open arms. "Sorry, not sorry. I've been waiting all night for the opportunity to make you lose a game, just to see that sweet performance of yours." He winks and shoots you a sly smirk. How you hate the bastard. 

_Just you wait Poe! I'll get you back for this!_ You threaten him internally, not wanting to give him the satisfaction of seeing you angry. "Fine, everyone else did it. So should I." As you declare your dedication, you start scaling the table. You cross your arms, waiting for Poe to choose the song. 

"Your song will be-Drum rolls please-" Everyone goes along banging on their laps. "Don't start now from Dua Lipa!" 

Great, a song you don't know at all. "Just so you know, I'll only be lip-synching. I've never heard of that song or artist before." You hastily explain as Poe is about to start the radio. 

He gasps audibly. "You've never heard a single song from Dua Lipa??? Girl, you missed out! I'll allow the lip-synching just this once." Poe counts down with his fingers and the moment he reaches zero, he starts the song.

During the countdown, you sense the tingle again. For some idiotic reason, the Force decided that right now is a great time to Force-skype with Kylo Ren. Maker, he's in for a ride. His form appears along the others watching you from their seats. Chances are big that he's in a meeting. Fortunately for him, the visor is on. You feel his eyes on you, confusion radiating off of him in waves. 

_If you don't wanna see me_

Here goes nothing.

_Did a full 180, crazy_   
_Thinking 'bout the way I was_   
_Did the heartbreak change me? Maybe_   
_But look at where I ended up_

Your dancing and mouthing to the music earns you even more turbulence from Kylo. You sorta like how the song reminds you of your time on Starkiller, especially when you've just become a part of the First Order. 

_I'm all good already_   
_So moved on, it's scary_   
_I'm not where you left me at all, so_

The moment you start feeling the lyrics, you go all out. If only to continue disturbing Kylo during whatever he's doing. Singing all out with newfound vigor. 

_If you don't wanna see me dancing with somebody_   
_If you wanna believe that anything could stop me_

_Don't show up, don't come out_   
_Don't start caring about me now_   
_Walk away, you know how_   
_Don't start caring about me now_

Every so often, you move in front of his view, pretending this show is just for him. 

_Aren't you the guy who tried to_   
_Hurt me with the word "goodbye"?_   
_Though it took some time to survive you_   
_I'm better on the other side_   
_I'm all good already_   
_So moved on, it's scary_   
_I'm not where you left me at all, so_

_If you don't wanna see me dancing with somebody  
If you wanna believe that anything could stop me_

People seem to really enjoy your performance, seeing as Poe and even your friends have joined you on the table. Poe takes your hand, making you spin around gracefully. The second he lets you go, Rosetta becomes your new dance partner. For a moment, you forget Kylo is only seeing you. He must have amazing control over his agitation for him to not crack at your ridiculous display. 

The song ends and you receive a standing ovation.

"Oh my stars, that was amazing!" Bangel and Rosetta scream at your enthusiastically, tugging you into their group hug. 

You laugh, feeling quite a bit embarrassed from the loss of control. "I just got so into it, I don't know what happened."

Now Poe runs up to profess his excitement. "Did I or did I not choose THE best song for you?!"

"Yes Poe, you done did it." This time you offer him a frontal hug, which he happily receives. Coming down from your high, you glance back at the spot where Kylo had appeared. As sudden as he came, he's gone. You kinda wanted to read his emotions, just out of curiosity. The thought of what might have been running through his mind at that moment makes you holler with laughter. 

* * *

Why did the Force love to make him suffer? He finally sees you again after some time, for it to be during a boring strategic meeting about the new weapon's advancement. Not just that, but you dancing and singing in front of him without a care in the world? Each time you went towards him, he couldn't help but stare in awe. The environment seemly disappeared, he just saw you. 

At long last, the meeting ends. He rushes back to his quarters, you being the only one on his mind. Once alone he tries anything he can think of to bring you back. But his longing goes unanswered. Still his desire to have you back remains. Whatever it takes, he will figure out this connection you share. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song inspo: Dua Lipa - Don't start now  
> Just imagine her being a famous alien artist.


	44. Unexpected Visit in the Night

That one loss at the game changed your life. The new friendships you forged and camaraderie you experienced feel like a blur, but totally happened. Never in your life would you imagine people actually wanting to get to know you. Who you truly are beneath the impassive face, tough exterior, and mystical powers. This sort of interest was foreign to you back on Eriadu. The first person that saw you, the real you, is Ben. No wonder you feel so close to him, even to this day. 

Good thing you didn't drink a lot of alcohol last night, seeing as everyone present has a massive hangover. When the night ended, Poe told you he's leaving D'Qar soon in order to find more information about Lor San Tekka 's whereabouts. You are going to miss that lovely personality of his. You never would have figured the weird encounter you both shared on Coruscant would lead to the friendship you formed that particular night. The guy is so full of hope too, it helps raise even your spirit. Inside you pray Poe never has to encounter Kylo Ren.

* * *

Two weeks pass and not a lot has changed. Goode is still in a coma, Poe is still gone, no mission for you just yet. The only difference, more people join you during meals. On Starkiller, you preferred peace and quiet, away from all the First Order nonsense. But here with the Resistance, you love the rowdiness and different stories being told. Species around here are definitely diverse, from many different backgrounds. You never could have guessed so many cultures existed all around the galaxy, the thought still baffles you. 

After another lovely dinnertime, you retreated back to your chambers for the night. Today you made a lot of progress with your Force training. Finally you figured out how to manipulate the Force around objects and even energy. Like splitting apart a blaster bolt. The extend of this has yet to be tested, of course in a safe manner. Leia wouldn't like you to take risks unnecessarily. You definitely would if it could save them. No risk is too great if you can protect even one of these beautiful souls. 

You undress and take a brisk shower, warming up your tense muscles. Once done you put on your comfortable pajamas, all set for sleep. With this new breakthrough in training, you want to start again early tomorrow. Slowly you drift off, not noticing the change around you. A familiar smell fills your nose. "Ben?" Your whisper startles the person next to you, grabbing their weapon and igniting it ready to strike the intruder. As you hear the menacing buzzing, your eyes shoot open and you grab your own saber in seconds. The moment they clash, you can make out the person you are up against. "Kylo?"

The red light illuminating his face disappears, leaving only your white blade to light up your room. His face turns from panicked to relieve, standing up from your bed. Face in his hand, he paces around. "I could have killed you."

The same fear runs through your mind as well. "That makes two of us." You both take a moment to calm down, getting back your grip on the sudden situation. 

Kylo is the first to speak up. "You looked like you had fun last time with those Resistance scum. Did you enjoy taking the piss out of me?" Without his helmet, you can see the irritation on his expression just from mentioning it. Your little plan seems to have worked. 

"What? Am I not allowed to have a jolly old time with my new friends?" You reply sarcastically, clearly provoking his annoyance. That always works like a charm.

"So you parading in front of me wasn't you vexing me purposely?" He questions, peering his eyes accusingly. 

Your response, a big shit-eating grin. "Oh, you must have misunderstood Kylo. The spot you were seated at was where a good friend of mine sat. That show I put on was for them." You say with a sickeningly sweet voice, faking innocence. 

He isn't having it. "Liar! You were clearly looking at the eyepieces of my visor."

Looking away from his angry galore, you shrug. Only then do you notice his naked upper body, making your cheeks break out a blush. "Can you grab a shirt or something?" You squeak, really embarrassed. Hands in front of your face, you shield your view.

Instead of a grunt, you pick up a chuckle from him. "Why? Do you have a problem with the way I'm dressed?" Joking, right now? Oh, he's clearly enjoying your discomfort.

"You're in the bedroom of a lady, have a sense of decency!"

He scoffs, yet you still notice the amusement lingering from him. "And you are in the bedroom of a man, scantily dressed too. I might take this as an attempt of seduction." 

Frantically you shake your head, still clenching your eyes shut. "Please have mercy!" Yes, you are embarrassed, but that doesn't mean you can't play along. It's been so long since you've had a delightful conversation like this with Ben. 

"Okay." Victory! "On one condition." Of course. He remains quiet for a while, you almost open your eyes to see if he's still there. "Don't call me Ben when it's just the two of us."

Your heart drops slightly. As you think of a response, you sense his aura fading out. Your room comes back into vision, but no Ben. It has been broken. However, you feel relieved. Whatever answer you would throwback, it would put a strain on the pleasant energy hanging between you two. He keeps denying his true self, even to you. Why can't he just be himself with you, you wonder. What is the point? 

As the silence sets in, the tiredness creeps up. You let it drift you off into soundless slumber, Ben lingering in your mind. It's no wonder you dream of him.


	45. Well, This is Awkward

With the limited amount of baths on base, it's no wonder you only get one hour of use before the next person has their turn. Today you wanted to make use of your weekly allowed bathtime. You've put a lot of strain on yourself lately, some relaxation sounds heavenly. The water temperature might be scalding now, but that only means it'll stay warm for a long time. And combined with the bath salt you received from Chavdri (Yes, him. You heard that right.) will flow away all the stress inside you. 

As you let your thought wander, you feel yourself floating. Lately you haven't been meditating, focussing more on physical training and using the Force offensively. Now that you are in a calm state, now might be a good time to take up a meditation session. You close your eyes and take a deep breath. The Force flows in you, heightening your senses. It really has been a long time, as a smile graces your lips. But the smile quickly forms into a frown, as the sound of squeaking boots pulls you back from the peace. Slowly you peek over the edge, and you see a wet Kylo sitting himself down against the wall. Embarrassment rises, as the role of the last encounter has been reversed. Only you are completely naked and he's fully clothed.

Guessing from your red cheeks, he speaks up to reassure you. "I can't see anything."

"Okay." You reply in a whisper. With the way last time ended, you hope he won't bring up the whole 'don't call me Ben' situation. Perhaps if you distract him it won't come up in conversation. "Why are you drenched? Where are you?" Keeping your eyes on the water, you ask him. 

He takes a second to answer your questions. "On base. It was raining during a mission." 

"Then why are you still in those clothes? You'll get sick." 

He chuckles. "I was about to take a bath. Unfortunately for me, it appears you beat me to it." 

So you both wanted the same thing. Funny how the Force connects you in the weirdest moments. "Well, I still have ten minutes before my time's up." You sneak a quick glance at him. "But I can leave a bit early if you want."

His eyebrows perk up behind the wet strands. "No need to force yourself." 

"Really, I don't mind. I see you shaking from here Kylo. You need it more than me." You snicker at his comment. Casually you drag yourself upright, indicating your intention to leave. Noticing it, he instinctively covers his face. You smile at his gesture. As you wrap yourself in your towel, you pat him on his head. "Your turn." You jokingly announce. Once you leave the room, you quietly peek inside for a second seeing him undress. With a giggle, you walk back to your room. Which doesn't go unnoticed by Kylo.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> bath scene inspired by Fracture from Flaignhan on Ao3


	46. Painful Truth with Harsh Reality

"Instead of just sitting around, why don't you help me out." You turn your head to Kaiga, who's carrying many sheets. Her bluntness never ceases to surprise you. Once again you are visiting Goode in the medbay. Everything before now was kinda going slow. No new progress, still no mission for you ~~(,no connection time with Ben)~~. Hence why you spend the last hour talking about your day to your comatose friend, likely boring her if she could hear you. So the fact that Kaiga is asking you for help, makes you excited. 

"Yeah, no problem! What can I help you with?" You reply enthusiastically. 

Being the ever so impassive Faust that she is, her expression holds a frown. "It's nothing special. I still have a few patients to wash, but miss Pammich here needs one as well. I only have thirty minutes before my shift ends, so it would help me tremendously if you could wash her." 

Sounds easy enough. "Yeah, no worries! I got this!" You hold up your arm, flexing it slightly with a smile. She's not impressed. 

"You find everything you need over by the sink. Take your time, I'm in the next room over. Shout if you have questions." She rapidly explains before leaving you to the task at hand. 

Once you gathered everything, you begin taking off her hospital gown. As you expose her waist, a horribly scarred lower tummy comes into view. You cringe at the sight. Now completely naked, you begin your work. Trying to be careful around the tender area, you softly rub antiseptic soap on it. The rest of her body can be washed with just water. All cleaned up, you move onto the rest. You notice that her hair is kinda greasy. Unsure if you should do it, you call to Kaiga. "Kaiga? Do I need to wash her hair as well?" 

She peeks her head inside before continuing whatever she's doing. "No. We have someone for that. They come every day and each patient group in rotation." 

With a light touch, you pat Goode dry. "Makes sense." 

After a minute she's completely dry. "Does she get a new gown?" You shout, not too loud though. After all, it's still a hospital. 

"There's one by the closet." Kaiga replies, her voice soft due to the distance. 

You examine the room, noting a lot of closets. "A bit more specific, please." 

An odd rumble sounds from where Kaiga is standing. "By the sink."

Finally, you see the supposed closet. "Yes, yes. Thank you!"

Last point on the checklist, dressing Goode in her new gown. Putting it on an unconscious person is way more challenging than taking it off. She is light, likely from the muscle atrophy. She'll need long rehabilitation before she can go back to work. If she wakes up. If...

"Have they said anything about pulling the plug yet?" Whatever the answer is, you have to know. How long until her final chance to wake up. It has always been in the back of your mind. And with time running out, your anxiety about it rises every day. 

A sigh. You prepare yourself for the bad news. "Tomorrow, we will have a meeting about her situation."

So vague, you need the harsh truth. "Any idea about the possible outcome? You are her doctor after all." No immediate response. "Kaiga-"

"I don't know for certain," She interrupts you carefully. "but honestly? One day, they will need the equipment which currently keeps her alive. There have been more missions in the Outer Rim as of late." You sense hesitation. She is keeping something from you.

"And?"

"Are you reading my mind?" You shake your head. Another deep breath coming from her. "If you want to know so bad, I guess it's no use keeping it confidential anymore." It goes silent as Kaiga carefully considers her next few words. Behind all the stoicism, she really cares. "Her-Goode's brain activity has been dwindling, especially this week. I am afraid she might be braindead soon." There it is, the hard truth you've been looking for. Still the harsh situation isn't settling in, for there is no sadness. Through the blur in your mind, you hear your name being called. "I'll see what I can do, but I can make no promises."

You give her a weak smile, averting your gaze. "Thank you for telling me this Kaiga. I can't imagine hard it must have been to keep this a secret."

The sympathy she has towards you is obvious on her face. "You did a good job today. Get some rest, alright?"

You stand up, giving Goode one more look. "You too Kaiga. Don't overwork yourself." As you made your way towards the exit, you sense a wave of hurt. The one projecting it? Kaiga.


	47. Mission, Mission, All Around

After yesterday's painful discovery, you could use some good news. Maybe even something fun. Lo and behold, your wish is about to come true. For there is an important strategy meeting on the horizon. Finally some more information about possible missions which you can join. Training is necessary, but you're getting peckish for some real action. Actually helping out comrades on foreign planets. 

The speakers announce your name with others, that's your cue. You arrive in a heartbeat. Not many people have arrived yet, but Leia's already seated. Her smile pointing towards you feels like a signal to sit beside her, so you join her. "Didn't think you'd be on base. Rest day?" She whispers her question. 

"Heard there was going to be a meeting today. I didn't want to miss it." You explain with a shrug. 

Leia chuckles. "Or maybe you're getting impatient."

A blush forms on your features. Busted. "Is it that obvious?"

She answers with a hum. "I'm sure you won't leave disappointed." A quick wink is shot your way. Your wish might be fulfilled today after all. As soon as more people join, it slowly starts up. That's Leia's cue to begin. "Good morning everybody. Let's start with the usual first, then we move on to the new missions." She goes over different points, mainly supplies, new allies, and so on. Not really your area of expertise. After about forty minutes, the meeting moves to mission briefings. From there you listen more intently. The moment your name drops, you perk up. "... will start assisting on ground missions. For now, that only consists of taking down First Order outposts in the Outer Rim. We currently lack information and supplies to face them more head-on." 

As the meeting rounds up, you get up to leave. Kaiga should have some more news about Goode's fate by now. You've told the others about what might happen, none took it well. Still there isn't a lot you can do. More patients are inevitable, resources are scarce. 

You are at the medbay, scanning the area for Kaiga. Suddenly, someone grabs you by the shoulder. "I would have come to your room, you know." It's Kaiga. 

"It was on my route anyway." You fall silent, your gaze set on the ground. "Did they make the decision?" You ask hesitantly. 

She sighs heavily, mostly an annoyed one. "After dinner. I'm still working my shift." Shooing you away, she returns to her post. Stoic as always. Never change Kaiga. Figuring it's not the time, you head back. Soon you'll be leaving on a mission for a few days, it's time to polish your armor and glave in preparation. 

* * *

As promised, Kaiga heads back with you after dinner to give you the news. 

"Okay Kaiga, lay it on me." You can't help your sad tone as you take your seat. This might be it for Goode, the person who gave her life for you. 

She folds her hands, her expression giving nothing away. "Goode's brain activity has gone up." 

_What?_ You stare with wide eyes, not sure you heard her right.

"So." She continues. "She'll remain on life-support. For now." 

Your heart speeds up, yet all you feel is pure relief. A single tear falls down your cheek. "Y-you're sure? Like no doubt sure?" 

She frowns, yet adorns a small smirk. "Why would I lie?" You throw yourself at her, probably squeezing the life out of her. Happiness couldn't be contained. Surprisingly she hugs you back with a matching grip. "I told the others first since you disturbed me during my shift." 

You pull back, catching your breath. "I hate you." You retort sarcastically, a big smile present on your mouth. 

"Somehow, I don't believe you." She pulls you back in. But there is a hesitation in her aura, you can sense it. "But, once the equipment is needed, Goode will lose her spot. Don't forget that." Luckily she's not one to keep you in the dark. 

"I know. Thank you anyway."


	48. Life Goes On

Finally getting back on the field has been invigorating. Every takedown has gone smoothly, with barely any casualties. Each time you return with the squad, praise flows over you. And each time you remind them it is a team effort. You've been seeing Chavdri and Dand more often, the others less. Most pilots are on standby, except the transporter ones. But after every finish, you try to hold a girl's night, just to hang out with them whenever it's possible. Sometimes your missions take a few days, as you need to locate the post first. It is weird relying on others in battle, slowly but surely you get used to it. Your bond with the Resistance grows stronger every day. 

And Kylo? He still appears in the weirdest moments, but only for short times. It's been some time since your last talk. Yet whenever you spot him, you wave towards him. It's a small gesture, you know that. Some allies even looked at you weird when you do it to empty space. You keep doing it though. Perhaps it has become a habit by now. The only time you can't do it is when you are stuck in battle. Every so often, he is too. Clashing against each other doesn't happen often, but when it does, it scares the shit out of you. Not because it's out of nowhere, but because you don't want to accidentally hurt him. You know he feels the same way. 

One day, you need to have a serious chat about that.

* * *

Back on base, you notice a lot of commotion. Many are scrambling from one spot to the other. As you spot Chavdri in the hangar, you jog towards him. "What's going on?" You shout over the loudness around you. 

"First Order is launching an attack on a New Republic allied planet! We're going to aid them!" He quickly informs you while continuing his maintenance on the transporter. 

So they made their move. Not surprising. "Anything I can do to help?" 

He shakes his head, grabbing another tool. "No kiddo, flyers only." 

You run towards the board room, hoping to catch Leia. When you arrive, she's nowhere to be seen. Taking your chance with an officer, you grab the first person you pass. "Where's General Organa?"

They point to the holomap. "She left about four hours ago. The New Republic requested her presence." Likely because of the attack. All you can do is wait it out.

* * *

Everyone still stationed on D'Qar is watching along with the fight. You on the other hand try everything to distract yourself. Training, meditating, even eating, yet you can't shake away the constant dread. Many of your friends are on that mission. Chavdri, Bangel, Sakul, and lots of others you've come to know. You've heard that even Poe Dameron is joining in. In times like this, you want to seek comfort. But when duty calls, emotions should be on the backburner. 

After eight long hours, the ending is announced. You immediately rush towards the landing space, ready to see your friends back safe. But you are greeted with less than half of the departed fleet. The wounded are hurried to the medbay, fires on ships are being put out. You are lost in the chaos. Rosetta passes you, likely heading over to help with the fires. You desperately scan the environment, looking for a sign of your friends. It takes a while before you spot Chavdri's transporter. To your relief, he exits in one piece. 

The moment you reach him, he falls down. Worried, you observe his body. "Are you hurt? Can you stand?" You level yourself to his eyes. Now you can see why he fell. He's bawling. Your heart sinks. "Come on, let's get you inside." You speak to him in a soft voice. Still whimpering, he lets himself get dragged inside. With the whole base running around, you opt to take him to his room. As you arrive, you make him sit down. This time you sink on the ground, looking up to his pitiful expression. You remain quiet, allowing him to initiate. 

He calms down a bit, swallowing down a lump and clearing his throat. "W-we won." It comes out very hoarse. He's been crying for a while now. "We won, but we lost so many..." The words disappear as he lets out another sob. 

A blurry film places in front of your vision, your gut almost screaming in your ear. "Who?" Is all you can muster.

He shakes his head, you sense his grief. Perhaps you already know. "I need to know Chavdri."

Hesitating, he steadies his breath. "You sure?" You nod, signaling him to continue. "Bangel and Sakul didn't make it..." Just saying the names makes him break down. So do you. He isn't one for hugs, so you take his hands in yours and place your head gently on the intertwined fingers. 

This is loss. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another one, because I've left you guys in a dry spell for four days


	49. This Is War

Today is not a good day. Today the Resistance experienced loss. You experienced loss. Everything looked so promising yesterday. In a second it all fell apart. Once you left Chavdri alone to clear your head, you got more bad news from Rosetta. Goode had to be taken off life-support, as it was needed for someone else. When the ringing in your ears started, you knew you had to retreat to your room.

During your time in the First Order, every battle was won, no matter the casualties. Always victorious. The difference? Connections. Soldiers over there were numbers, not people. Also you didn't give two shits about any of them, but the people who died today were allies. Friends. You may not have known them all personally, but you'd talked with many of them, celebrated with them, eaten with them. And now, you can't have that time with them ever again. When the realization sets in, all you feel is anguish. But what right do you have? You've murdered plenty of Resistance members yourself back in the day. Do you even deserve to feel this pain? You were once a part of the organization that killed them in cold blood. Yet they forgave you so easily, all because General Organa vouched for you.

Ridden with this guilt, you don't dare attend the memorial of fallen heroes held by Poe. Instead you cope up in your room, staring blankly at the opposite wall. The sound of the rain your only companion in the misery. Trying to push down your undeserved emotions, you opt to meditate. If only to distract yourself for a minute.

The Force isn't having any of that. A familiar buzzing sound fills your ears, drawing you back from the meditative state. In front of you stands Ben, his attention set on something you cannot see. He's clenching his fist, fury radiating off of him. You wonder if he's aware of your presence, but you don't want to announce it to him. So you remain quiet. 

It appears he's become aware of the link since he turns around searching your form. The bags under his eyes have become more prominent than last time you saw him. Something you always notice if his eyes find yours. "Are you happy with your victory?" He spits venomously, seething with anger. You know that not completely the reason for his anger. Your conversations have been nonexistent for a while now, it even frustrates you.

Because of his presence, you feel your sadness rising to the surface again, water forming in your eyelids not yet tears. "Not today Kylo." You call him by his preferred name, not in the mood to enervate him. "I don't want to argue with you."

"You don't really have a choice do you, seeing as the Force brought us together again." He laughs mockingly. "How unfortunate for you." 

Shaking your head, you avert your gaze. Talking about your 'victory' is only going to make you upset. It isn't a victory for you. Doing so in front of Ben isn't what you want. You can't show weakness to him. 

"Look at me!" He demands, uncaring about your unwillingness to communicate. "Look. At. Me."

You clench your eyes shut, frantically shaking your head further. As the pain floods your heart, you are unable to stop the sadness from invading your energy. This doesn't go unnoticed by him. 

Instead of continuing the yelling, his tone becomes understanding. "Please look at me." He calls your name, almost pleading. That makes you even more agitated. As you open your eyes you see him squatting in front of you. His face leveled to yours, expression troubled. "Why are you heartbroken? Is it because of me? Do you not want me here?" The hurt seeping out of him only increases the pain in your heart, forcing a tear down your cheek. 

A strained sob releases from you. "No. Not your fault." The sentence comes out broken from your continuous sobbing. Steadying your breath, you go on. "I've never experienced such loss before."

His hand slowly inches forward, but he stops himself. Touching is possible, that you both already figured out. But would you accept his comforting touch? This conflict makes him hesitate. "How can I help to ease your pain?" He carefully picks his words, allowing you to tell him what you need.

"Hold me." The moment you finish your sentence, he takes you into his arms. He puts you both into a comfortable position on the floor, cradling your crying head into his broad chest. You don't stop yourself from locking your arms around him either, needing him to be closer. No clear line where he begins and you end. Only now do you feel whole. You cry and cry, for how long you don't know. Not once does he make a move to release you. His breathing the only sound you hear, his heartbeat next to your cheeks. As the tears stop, you notice how tired you are. Softly you tap his arm, trying to get his attention.

"I know. Just close your eyes, I'll hold you until you fall asleep." The reassurance calms you down. As per his words, you close your eyes. Sleep claims you quickly. 

Once he notices you steady breathing, he carefully lays you down on the floor. Good thing he's in his own quarters, now he can provide you with a pillow and blanket. It frustrates him he can't see your room, so he could put you in your own bed. He grabs the things he needs, he carefully makes you comfortable. The Force has not yet stopped the connection. He sits down next to your sleeping form, calmly going through your hair. A soft noise comes out of you, almost like you enjoy whatever he's doing. The thought makes him smile. As long as It grants him this time, he'll appreciate every second of it. 


	50. Comfort Grows Hearts

Waves of grief come and go. Talking with the survivors helps soothe your hurt, and you their's. Rosetta and Kaiga come around more often, even planning ahead when we all have time to eat lunch together with Dand and Chavdri. The guy has been drowning his sorrows in booze a lot, you're all aware of this. So together with the others you agreed to hang out more often in order to take care of him. You weren't able to meet up with Poe since he needed to head back out immediately after the memorial which he spoke at.

Another person that eases the pain, Ben. Surprisingly, each time you need physical comfort, Ben links up with you through the Force. Unfortunately it's not always when you are alone in your room. During mission briefings he appears the most. Good thing you don't have to talk, or he'll get insider information out of your control. You know that's not why he comes to you though. He doesn't need to ask, he knows you're hurting. In your silence, he'll intertwine his hand in yours and with each wave of sadness, he squeezes it in a comforting manner. You appreciate the times he appears when you lay in bed, crying yourself to sleep. That's when you can fall asleep with his arm's embrace. Waking up the next morning still feels off, no longer having him by your side. Empty mostly. Still, you know he'll be back. He always comes back. 

"I wish I could stay." He suddenly speaks up, yet continuing to trace circles on your bare arm. For the last thirty minutes, you have been laying on his chest, listening to the soft beats of his heart. A reminder of how human he really is, despite the reputation. 

You shift slightly in order to see his face. "What do you mean?" A sly smile appears on your features.

His eyebrows form a frown, but all you focus on are his beautiful eyes. "You know what I mean." The hint of confusion amuses you. 

You roll your eyes and chuckle. "I want to hear you say it." Innocently, you flutter your eyelashes. "Please?" _Ben._

He groans. Not because you thought about his ~~true~~ name, but because you're being a brat. Truth is, you know he tolerates it. Since it's you. "Whenever I wake up, you're gone. I wish I could control the duration of our connection. That way, you'd be here until the moment we'd both wake up." Replying with a hum, you shift back to your previous position. Curled up in his arms.

A lot has changed between you two, yet neither dares to bring it up. Thinking about meeting in real life scares you. Because it would mean you have to fight one another. Possibly to death. "Ben?" You whisper quietly, unsure if he even heard you. A new fear waving releasing from your being. 

You feel his hold on you tightening. "I know."

* * *

After weeks, the Resistance is back to full strength. So are you. Just in time for when the First Order makes a new move. The next big mission after a long time. 

"The New Republic suspects that the First Order has found a new way to interrogate, with the help of a powerful hallucinatory drug. Based on the leads we've found, it might be from a plant on Kashyyyk." The First Order is definitely not the type to sit still, even after a heavy loss. Always searching for new ways to gain an edge in this cold war. "Only the people gathered here today will head over to Kashyyyk. For now, it is a recon mission. The moment you spot anything related to the First Order, you regroup and get into contact with us. Don't engage unless you have no other choice." The lead officer's gaze wanders to you. "She's coming along, in case it goes wrong. And Leia told me about her stealth skills, so she'll be an asset first. You leave this evening. Dismissed."

You've heard of Kashyyyk. Planet of the Wookies and home to many carnivores animals and plants. Sounds like a lovely place. Before you leave, studying up on the fauna and flora seems more like a smart move. No way are you going in blind. You grab an information datapad while heading to your room. After you packed the essentials comes the research. Well, you were right, many fauna and flora are flesh-eaters. Only a few are nondangerous. Great. Moral of the story, be aware of everything you pass. They might just want to bite your head off. 

"You seem ready for a fight. Where are you heading off to?" Unlike before, the sudden link doesn't scare you anymore. 

Without looking towards him, you answer. "That's classified." Your reply earns you a murmur of annoyance. "If you don't like it, stop asking."

"Am I wrong for wanting to see you again?" _This guy!_

"You're seeing me right now, what's the big deal?" As you turn around facing towards him, you cross your arms. 

He inches forward, only arm's length away. "You know what I mean." His voice in a soft whisper always makes your heart skip a beat. The expression he shows you too. What it means, you have no idea. _I want to be by your side._

 _Me too._ The thought slips your mind before you can stop yourself. Silently, you curse yourself. "We can't. You'll have to make do with this... For now." In an attempt to drop the conversation, you end with a maybe. Some hope for both of you. 

He lets out a sigh. "At least tell me if you are going off base. Just in case you get hurt." Yet again trying to get more information out of you. But is letting him know that you'll be off base a good idea? The only reason you do is for a mission related to his organization. 

"I am." This time you inch forward slightly. "But I don't need your help if I get hurt. So drop it." Leaving no room for argument, you go gather your packed essentials. 

A hand falls on your shoulder as you hear your name said in his sultry voice. "Good luck." 

Okay, now you feel confused. Is he really not going to fight you on this? That's new. "Thank you. I'll see you around, Ben."

The corner of his mouth twitches for a second. "Soon, if the Force allows it." Casually, he shoots you a wink. Bewildered by the action, you head out fully red. _This guy._


	51. Let Me Guess. Bees?

Your team arrives during Kashyyyk's night cycle, so everything has to be installed in the flashlight illuminated darkness. Not long after, the camp is set up. Equipment ready. The mission can begin in the morning. Two people volunteered to keep watch, so you have the chance to catch some sleep. Only, you wish it were possible. This planet holds a very intense Forcesignature, connecting all living beings together. Your group is the odd one out, the contrast shakes you up. Instead of going crazy, you try to align yourself with this planet's Force. As you explore, the heart appears as a giant tree. The Origin tree, it tells you. Its roots all over the surface, in every corner. Just through the Force, it looks incredible. You wonder how it'll be up close.

Now that you feel more at ease, you try to finally sleep. A peaceful dream about nature making its home inside your mind.

* * *

Early in the morning, you get woken up. Somehow, you feel exhausted. Must be the lack of sleep. 

We've been dropped on a remote spot, which means we have to travel for a while until we find the supposed plant or traces of the First Order. If we find neither after a week, we get picked up. Easy peasy. "Alright, we split up in groups of four, consisting of three people. Make sure to put your tracker on, in case something separates the group. The more ground we cover, the sooner we can get out. Understood?" Everyone answers with a curt nod, so do you. The leader turns to look at you. "You okay with switching between groups every so often? Likely in times of a threat?"

"Sure, that's why I'm here." You reply with a smirk, yet with a sincere tone.

"Good. For now, you are with group A. They'll head west. The others in opposite ways. May the Force be with you on this journey."

"May the Force be with you." Everyone says in unison. 

Now comes the real challenge.

So far, group A is doing pretty well. In terms of survival at least. Nothing First Order related so far and no hallucinatory plants. Even the predators have been easy to handle. Not long after you set up your camp for the night, your communicator signal gives an alert. "What's going on?" You address quickly, thinking it must be an emergency.

"Gro... C..." The words don't come out well, there is a lot of static. "Fl... Bee..." Its slowly fading. "... Help..." Then it cuts off. 

"What's going on?" They ask you, worry clear on their expression.

You are sure you heard them say group C. "Group C is in trouble. I need to head over, right now." You stand up abruptly and grab your stuff. A bag lands next to your feet.

"Take it. I was about to unpack it after finishing up here."

Taking it from the ground without a second thought, you sprint towards the night jungle. "Thanks! Be safe!" You can just make out the 'you too' shouted back to you. Based on the trackers, group C was heading south from the dropzone. It's going to take a few hours at a minimum. Flame bee? Could they be talking about flame beetles? You've read about them, nasty little fuckers. Even after you kill them, they have the audacity to explode in your face. It's likely that they stumbled on a hive. A few are easy to handle, you just need to maintain distance and shoot them down. But a swarm is as deadly as can be. You really hope it's not the latter, but your gut tells you otherwise. This is going to be a long night. 

* * *

It takes you two hours to get a good signal again with the communicator. The moment you hear their second try, you stop somewhere safe to guide them. As you suspected, one of them fell on top of a hive, literally. They tried reaching you right after it happened, but couldn't hear your reply that you'd be on your way. Apparently, they found a hideout. Somewhere in an abandoned Wookiee hut. Still they can't leave, the swarm is not ceasing their chase. You tell them to stay put, running away is only going to provoke them again. And doing so in the dark, an even worse idea. Flame beetles won't be the only species chasing them anymore. Once you feel rested, you continue the journey. The Force as your guide. 

About an hour and a half later, you spot bioluminescence radiating behind a giant Wroshyr tree. That must be the swarm. There must be a lot of them, based on the brightness. You need a plan. Scanning the area, you find a possible solution. A nest of Mykal, natural enemies of Flame Beetles. Those wouldn't pass up the opportunity to eat their bellies full of them. Perhaps you can wake them up.

Once you get close to their nest, you imitate the sound of a Flame beetle with your trusty lightsaber. The moment you hear movement, you deactivate its blade. Now all you have to do is sit back and wait. 

The Mykals notice the light and head over to check it out. You hear their cry, which is a fight signal. The buzzing of the swarm becomes louder too, probably ready to attack their enemies. 

"Group C, can you hear me?" You speak into the communicator while watching the scene.

"Yes."

"Now's the time to move. They're preoccupied, so they won't go after you. Let's rendezvous by the lake." Silently, you jump from your spot, landing in leaves that quiet your fall. Slowly you make your way through the bushes, still checking up on the situation. By the time you arrive at the lake, you spot all members of group C. "Let's leave before we find out who the winner is." Nobody is saying no to that. 

They take you along to their camp, which has been set up already. "Thanks a lot. We would have been stung to dead if you didn't show up." They let out a relieved laugh.

You give them a chuckle. "At first light, they would have abandoned their search. Now you'll just be able to get some sleep." Your lighthearted retort earns you their smiles. 

"Here." They point to the tent in front of you. "You can sleep here if you want. See you in the morning."

You climb inside, limbs getting heavy. "Thanks, good night."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> https://starwars.fandom.com/wiki/Kashyyyk


	52. Let's See Who Eats Me First

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for 3000 hits!! This wouldn't be possible without the loyal readers who continue to read my story each time I update!! You guys rock my world!

The recon deadline comes closer each day, yet none of the groups have found anything related to what you've been searching for. Some even expressed their disappointment, coercing the other to retreat. You, on the other hand, aren't having any of it. There is something out there, the answer to all your questions. It's pulling you forward. 

On the fifth day, it is hard to continue motivating your team to trust you on this feeling. "Look, we've been following your 'gut feeling' for the past two days now. Yet all we encountered are hungry plants desperate for a meaty snack. What if you're wrong?" One of them finally confronts you. The rising tension existed for a while now, but until this point, they haven't expressed their discontentment. You can't really blame them. Everyone is constantly paranoid and exhausted. 

Then, you hear something calling your name. Maybe it is something unrelated to this mission. It could be that the Force wants you to find something else.

"We're regrouping back at the landing zone. I suggest you come along, but I already know you'll decline." Group C's team leader tells you, the others informing the rest about their plans. 

You can't back out. Not now. Not yet. "You guys go ahead. I'll catch up." You respond, throwing them a smile. 

They sigh. "Copy that. But if you're not there when we regroup, we'll pick you up with the transport ship. Keep that tracker on you." You reply with a soft 'noted' and continue your journey forward into the wild unknown. 

As the call sounds louder, you can almost see the Force floating in the environment. The last time you experienced this was back on Coruscant when you released your true power. It's definitely just as beautiful, if not better. Just breathing it in invigorates you. This feels like home. And as suddenly as the calling started, it ends. Why you do not know. Perhaps you're close? examining the area, you follow once again your gut. Somewhere behind those vines, you just know it. You enter the vines, only to be stunned by what's in front of you. The Origin tree. Amazed by the sight, you slowly move forward. Of course, you have to step on an unstable branch. Before you can react, you fall through the roots and land with a heavy thud. 

"Really?? Did you have to lead me into impending doom or something?" You shout, targeting whatever being or thing that made you so entranced you didn't even notice the unstable branch. "Gotta find a way out." 

You didn't think there would we a whole other plane underneath those giant roots. How wrong you are. The number of flesh-eating plants has doubled and there are these weird bouncy plants you can use to travel from one root to another. If you remember correctly, they're called lung plants. It has been a long time since you've maneuvered through a landscape this much. Your stamina isn't able to keep up. Then once more, a call. The same one as before. You've gone this far already, a bit more won't harm. Your senses get overloaded the moment you approach the spot. Memories, the Force, pains of the past. It's swirling inside your mind. While grabbing for your head, you don't notice your body still moving forward. 

The turbulence stills, in front of you a metal handle stuck on a piece of root. Crouched beside it, you understand why it's been calling. The object is an abandoned lightsaber. It wants you to take it and help find it's master. Denying this request is not an option for you. With little effort, you free it from its spot. For now, you put it in your bag. Maybe Leia knows who it belongs to. 

* * *

After some time, you reach the above. Now might be a good time to regroup as well. Trying to find the way back, you stumble upon something that catches your attention. 

_Is that... A First Order insignia?_ You approach the object carefully. It has been deliberately covered with dead leaves. Likely to hide it from prying eyes, like yours. You have to contact the others. "Guys, it's me. I've found a First Order ship, hidden beneath jungle flora."

After a second you receive an answer. "Are you sure? Where are you?"

You examine the area. "Yes. It has the insignia, plus it's still warm. Chance are they didn't land too long ago. I'm nearby the Origin tree." 

"I'll inform our base. They'll pick you up. Stay hidden and don't engage unless necessary." With that, they break the connection. 

_As if I'll stay hidden! This could be my opportunity to find out which plants they're harvesting._ Feeling this resolve, you stalk through the jungle soundlessly. You're not the only being hunting. A certain creature has set its sharp eyes on you. Unbeknownst of this fact, you keep searching for more First Order clues. It finds its chance to strike, pouncing you in the back. The push of its paws hurls you into a bed of Mushblooms, their spores invading your vision and lungs. A heavy cough escapes your lungs. Quickly you reach for your saber, pointing it in the direction you've been thrown from. Nothing. It must be circling you, looking for your blindspot. One pound on the ground and you form a wave with the Force. You wait a second. No sound. Are they not affected by your powers? Startled by a growl, you twist yourself towards the sound, lightsaber remaining in front of you. Then you see your stalker. A Sabyyyr. Sharp teeth and deathly claws, unable to be harmed with the Force. They hunt in packs. Panicked by this realization, you flash your gaze all around you. Now you notice their green eyes watching you. Not allowing fear to take over, you ground yourself. You can't rely on your powers in an offensive way, so your fighting skills will have to do.

Waiting for their first move, you take a moment to count the number of opponents. _Only three. Good._ You spin your body slowly, remaining in your place. The sound of a leap pulls your attention to your right. Dodging their attack on your neck, you retaliate with a swift slice. You don't have the time to breathe, as another Sabyyyr launches forward. Ready to sink its teeth in your waist. It worked before, so you dodge and counter. Unfortunately, this strategy will wear you out before they go down. Their hides are tick after all. This calls for an aggressive attack, finishing them off with one move. You could use the trees for momentum if necessary. They have gone back to circling you. Those creatures must love to attack from behind, but this could work in your favor. You wait for the first one to strike once more. As they go for the attack, you jump over them, feet planted on a tree trunk. Another one tries their luck, leaping towards your elevated form. 

This is it. Using the tree, you push yourself off and perform a spin in the air, chopping the creature's head clean off. One down, two more. The Sabyyyr you evaded a minute ago is back to its senses, readying another assault with its sharp claws while the third one flanks you from the other side. In order to avoid both attacks, you have to bend your body a certain angle without losing balance. Thankfully, it succeeds first try. One creature loses a paw using your glave, the other has been stabbed through its skull. Recovering yourself, you go over to the one which isn't dead yet. Ending its suffering is the least you can do. A swift slice and they bleed out from their throat. 

It was a tough fight. The exhaustion is slowly creeping up on you. But you're still out in the open. You need to find a place to hide until your crew picks you up. Barely one step forward and you collapse. You try to get up, but your vision is spinning. No, the world is spinning. Your environment morphs into a familiar punish room. The one that still haunts your nightmare. How long before you see its owner.

"Hello, dear Ghost." A haunting voice chuckles from the darkness. 

A chill runs through your entire body. You shift your gaze to the creature it came from. "Snoke..." The name comes out as a whimper, heavy with fear.

A smirk forms on his deformed face. "That is Supreme Leader for you." A painful heaviness presses you to the ground, trapping you like an animal. "Perhaps I should show you your place, traitor."

Frightened by the implication, your tears threaten to spill. "Please... No..." 

"I'm afraid you don't have a choice, my dear." He replies in a sickeningly sweet voice, taking pleasure from your distress. 

* * *

It has been a boring day on Starkiller. Too many meetings about the First Order's next steps, how progress is going with the weapon, and when the first testing will take place. None of which concern Kylo in the slightest. This is Hux's territory, yet he has to go every time in his absence. The sly bastard even recommended him. He'll get him back for this, one day. 

As he strides through the long hallways lost in his mind, an echo sounds from a faraway place. Stopping dead in his tracks, he tries listening carefully. 

A few stormtroopers come from around the corner, halting when they see Commander Ren just standing there. His visor not giving away anything about his mood. So in order to live to see another day, they decided like a hivemind to take the longer route back. 

Without giving them a second glance, Kylo stills the environment around him in hopes of finding more clues about this echo that's calling him. When he hears it again, he notices it sounds vaguely familiar to your voice. Only more gravelly. He opens his eyes, a treat of light connecting him to an unknown destination. Everything inside of him is yelling to follow it. He follows the trail, curious about the other end. It takes him outside, into the snow-covered forest. Your raspy voice begins to sound more intelligible, though he can't make out words yet. The closer he gets, the realization it's you screaming in anguish. His heart sinks and his pace quickens. 

Finally, he reaches you but is horrified by what's happening. 

You are on the ground, desperately trying to get away from something with tears cascading down your cheeks. The terrified screams reveal what you are trying to run away from. "Let me go! Please, Supreme Leader!" An image of Snoke is haunting you. Delicately, he inches forward, hoping to find out what's going on at your side.

His movement only scarce you even more. "NOOO! Leave me alone!" Your arms go up defensively with your entire body shaking. 

_Is she hallucinating?_ He questions your reaction. 

The thought earns him a sob. "Ben?" You are calling out to him. Whatever drug you're on, it doesn't work on mindreading. Can she hear your spoken words?

"It's me." He responds in a soft whisper, kneeling down in front of her cowering form. 

The hallucinogen must be auditory as visual, for you continue to scramble back. "Stop! I didn't do it! Please!"

If he wants to reach you, it must be through her mind. _It's me._ Ending it with your name. 

"Ben? Where are you?" You hastily look around you.

 _I'm in front of you._ He continues, inching forward again.

"Snoke! Is this your trick?!" You scream with another ripple of fear seeping from beneath your skin. 

There must be more he can do to convince you. _Read my mind._

You do as he tells you. Everything around you falls apart, revealing your Ben next to you. This time tears fall down in relief. "Ben!" You throw yourself on top of him, claiming his lap as your safe haven. "How did you find me?"

His arms snake around you, bringing you closer. _I heard you calling through the Force._ He pushes you back slightly in order to level his gaze with yours. _Can I check your mind to see what happened? I won't look at any sensitive information about the Resistance. Promise._

Reluctantly, you agree. In your heart, you know you can trust Ben. But can you trust Kylo?

A tingle you haven't felt in a while appears in your mind. Flashes of the near past flow in front of your vision like a movie. Your discovery of a First Order ship, the sneak attack from the Sabyyyr with your fall into Mushblooms. The hallucinations started after you killed the creatures hunting you. All your painful memories from when you were in custody with Snoke. It ends abruptly. 

_Mushblooms are used by us as a hallucinatory drug during interrogations. So far it hasn't been very successful. The project is going to be cut very soon, I believe._

Wow, he really told you all that info. With no second thought. It really must be a failure then. "I see... How long until it leaves my system."

Ben thinks for a bit, before looking back to you. _I assume thirty minutes, an hour max. But seeing as you inhaled a lot of spores, it might take longer._ He wants to ask you something else but is holding back slightly. _I'm aware it might be sensitive information, but are you alone on Kashyyyk?_

You furrow your brows. "How do you know I'm on Kashyyyk??" Didn't he promise he wouldn't look for classified information?

 _I've been there before. The planet has a distinct looking wildlife._ A confident smirk appears on his handsome features. 

You glare at him for a minute, but stop to answer his question. "Yeah, I'm not on my own here. My team is picking me up soon." Nervously, you play with your fingers. "Will-will you stay?"

_Always._


	53. The Beginning

Besides the traumatic hallucination, everything ended well. That ship you found was from an officer and their team, which your team discovered the corpses of. In closer inspection, the ship contained documents regarding the end of the experiments with Mushblooms. The plants were to be destroyed. In conclusion, if the First Order is on Kashyyyk, it's to exterminate a native plant. This is a matter for the Wookiees, not the Resistance or the New Republic. The officer who oversaw this mission already informed them and with that concluded this field mission. 

Fortunately for you, when retrieved by your team members they didn't spot you being held by something they couldn't see. It might have been difficult to play it off as a thing of the Force. Granted if you could, you would have remained in Ben's arms a little longer. After you calmed down there was this reaction. He was staring into your eyes, his mouth slightly hanging open. The emotion in his irises sparked something inside of you. A feeling you never had with anyone before. You wanted to kiss him so badly. His longing gaze made you think he wanted it too. Before you could attempt to follow your desires, you heard a ship landing nearby. Relieved, you disconnected from his hold to wander towards the sound. Once you were certain it was a Resistance ship, you told him that help was here. The disappointment was clearly displayed on his face, but he didn't express it. You said your goodbye's and jogged towards your team. 

Just thinking about it makes you blush.

Now, back on base, you quietly examine the lightsaber you acquired back on Kashyyyk. It has a beautiful silver metal housing with a black handle. Here and there some golden accents. The grip of said handle feels comfortable too. You wonder what color the blade will display. As you hover over the switch with your thumb, a nagging feeling stops your advance. _Only to aid, not for use._ The Kybercrystal within spoke to you. It doesn't want you to wield it, only when in dire need. You understand. The only reason it called to you was so you can reunite it with its master. So you'll honor the request, but continue keeping it by your side during travel just in case you find its master.

* * *

"Poe and BB-8 are missing."

What a way to start today's meeting. Instead of asking 'How is everyone doing?' or 'Hope you're all enjoying your week.', they go straight to the point. Which means it's a very pressing matter.

It's been a long time since you last saw Poe. His rowlybowly partner you haven't been introduced with yet. Back then, he needed maintenance. Last news you heard about them was something about their X-wing heading towards Jakku. And now, they're missing. 

"Their X-wing's tracker transmitted the final signal somewhere on Jakku. We have word from Leia that BB-8 contains important information and must be secured before the First Order finds out about it." The spokesman opens a file with people who'll have to track down Poe and BB-8. You aren't on that list. At least you can polish your skills in the meantime.

The meeting ends and you search the crowd for Rosetta. 

"Hi girl." She announces while bumping shoulders teasingly. 

"Back at you, woman." You joke back. 

"I'm not that old, you know?" She lightly pats the back of your head. "Wanna grab some lunch?" 

As if you'll decline. "Please shoot me if I ever say no." 

Both laughing like maniacs, you walk along the corridors towards the cafeteria. You both pick up some food and take a seat. 

"I can't believe Poe is missing..." Rosetta speaks up. 

You nod along with her words. "He'll be fine. Just wait, in a few days he's back with BB-8 by his side wearing that cocky grin like a medal." 

She chuckles at your words. "Did your Jedipowers tell you this?"

"In those exact words." You retort while rolling your eyes. 

Her mood changes slightly. "Yeah, he better..." There is sadness in her tone. You understand why. We've lost a lot of people in a short timespan. Who is to say Poe's even alive? Chances are big he ran into the First Order or Kylo Ren, which is even worse. Yes, you care about Ben a lot, but denying his loyalty to the Dark Side won't help you. In the bigger picture, you are enemies. That won't change. 

"You know what?" Rosetta sounds a bit more enthusiastic now. "There's this campfire tonight! Want to join?" 

A campfire sounds nice. "Sure. That'll get my mind off things for a while."

"Deal!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> awwww shiiii, we are getting into TFA territory!


	54. Trust

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Mentions of abuse

They really went out of their way to make this get together very cozy. Lanterns in the trees, pillows, cushions, and a giant bonfire. Everyone already present is creating a relaxing environment to top it all of. What better way to spend your evening than with friends. 

"Wanna sit on a cushion by the fire? I'll grab us a plate with things to roast." Rosetta asks you, pointing towards the food table.

"Which one do you like?" You reply, wanting to make sure you pick a good seat. 

She looks around, spotting a loveseat to her liking. "That one, by the guitarist!" Oh, you remember. She told you about her crush, the one that plays guitar. No wonder she wanted to sit closeby her. 

"Aye aye, Captain. Now get the food, I'm starving."

As promised, you claim the loveseat closest to Ellie, who is currently playing a very energetic song. Some people are dancing to it, others just enjoy the show. It doesn't take long for Rosetta to join you, a plate full of roastable goodness in her hands. "So no hidden intentions by choosing this seat?" You tease her, making those dark cheeks even darker. 

"Shhhh! What if she hears you?" She whisper-yells at you. 

You stifle a laugh, not wanting to put more stress on her. Oh, the number of nights she drunkenly babbled about how hot Ellie is and figuring out ways to get closer to her. With every drink, she spoke about a different body part in fascination. Yep, the girl has fallen in love. Deeply.

Music in the background and soft ambiance, that's all you need. You eat most of the different meat variants provided by Rosetta, discovering new tastes here and there. This is fun.

"All right people, gather around! Storytime!" One guy announces in an elevated voice. Everyone presents gathers around and makes themselves comfortable. "Tonight, we're talking about what we were before the war. Reminiscing of the past and all that. I'll start." He clears his throat, ready to tell his story. "I'm from Batuu, lovely trading post if I say so myself. I worked on the port to unload or load material into ships. In the years I worked there, I've met many interesting figures. From wannabe Mandalorians to Royalty, every so often the occasional bounty hunter. Each time I met someone new, they'd tell me amazing stories about their travels and culture. That was the best part of my job, hands down." He raises his glass, ending his story there. 

The variety of backgrounds astounds you. From ex-New Republic pilots to just normal folks. Droid technician, baker, gardener. But also the occasional former criminals. All of them felt called to join the Resistance in order to stop the First Order's invasion of the galaxy. Many probably from already conquered planets. You already knew Rosetta's background. Born on Chandrila, joined the New Republic's military as a technician after graduation. Left with Poe and Leia to form the Resistance. 

Now it is your turn. You sense everyone's excitement. After all, you haven't opened up about your oh so interesting past yet. Rosetta places her hand on yours, giving you a concerned look. Deep inside, you feel that it is time. They deserve the truth. So you start with your unpleasant childhood. How you've been unloved, passed from orphanage to orphanage. You caregivers never giving a shit about you, some even beating you for standing up to yourself. Your times of being sold off, working for terrible masters. How you ended up in poverty. Everyone listening carefully has a sympathetic expression. You wonder how long they'll continue to feel bad for you until they hear about your time with the First Order.

You take a deep breath, stress coursing through your veins. "When the First Order invaded, I wanted to be a hero for once. Not a nobody. So began killing stormtroopers with my lightsaber. Of course, this caught the attention of Kylo Ren..." Swallowing down the blockage in your throat, you continue. "Join or die, he said to me. I didn't want to die. That day I became a part of the First Order." It's deadly silent around you. You couldn't bring yourself to look them in the eye. "They trained me to be of use to them. Along the way, they discovered I was Force-sensitive. Snoke forced me into the Dark Side against my will, making me his puppet. I became an assassin called Shadow of Ren, or as others know it: Ghost." Just remembering your first kill sends shivers down your arms, the one who beheaded them. Cold and calculated. You clench your fist, silent tears threatening to fall. "I murdered so many Resistance allies and members. I couldn't see the light until Leia showed it to me. She gave me a second chance, to make things right. But I understand if you cannot forgive my past actions, you have every right to be angry at me." That's how you end it. And you wait, for yelling, screaming, maybe even a punch. Yet nothing of that sort came. Slowly you look up, their expressions unreadable. 

An older lady stands up and crouches in front of you. "We served together during a mission on Felucia. You saved my life that day."

Rosetta stands up, you follow her movement. "You helped me and six other individuals escape from the Supremacy, risking your own life to save ours."

Many others joined in, all people who you've gone on missions with. Their words made the tears fall. The older lady in front of you slowly rises on her feet. "You may have done bad things in the past, but your actions today are what matter. We are in this together." 

_We are the Resistance._


	55. Prince Charming is Back

A silent vow. Both of you never asked anything related to plans within their respective organization. This time you could spend together is sacred, only between you and Ben. But the longer it takes to receive news about Poe, the harder it gets not to ask him. Like today. He appeared while you're sharpening your reflexes against training droids. Being the kind gentleman that he is, he joins in showing no mercy. It quickly turns from a simple exercise to a full-on sparring session. Ben hasn't been slacking in your time apart. His strikes are heavier and more precise. Even the way he uses the Force is more controlled. Almost like he picked up experience from your battle on the Supremacy. But so have you.

"I'm gonna take a break." You huff out, finishing the match early. The humidity today has been killing you, sweaty clothes unable to dry. They feel like dead weight.

Ben's breathing seems normal, but you know he's running out of stamina too. The wet strands on his forehead are also a good indicator. "Do you have water? I forgot mine." He states, flustered. Getting water isn't tough on Starkiller, but he doesn't want to leave you. The link is tricky like that. 

"Sure." You toss him the bottle in your hand, which he catches effortlessly. 

He furrows his eyebrows. "Don't you need a drink?"

You wave your hand with a smile, gesturing him to go ahead. "I'll take a sip after you."

While waiting for him to finish, you zone out. The question once more invading your mind. To stop the words before they come out, you bite your lip. 

"Whatever's on your mind, tell me. I can feel the feeble restraint from here." Ben's voice startles you back into reality. No wonder he knows, it's been haunting you for the last couple of days. 

"You won't like it." You murmur back, eyes cast downwards. 

Sitting down next to you, he exhales deeply. "About the pilot, right?"

Your gaze shoots up to meet his. _He's seen Poe?_

"I have." He answers you bluntly. "You'll be relieved to know he escaped from the Finalizer with the help of a traitor." There is disdain in his words. 

"A traitor?" Confused, you ask him. "You mean an officer?"

Anger now displayed on his features, he shakes his head. "Worse. A stormtrooper."

That's new. You wouldn't expect that from a stormtrooper, considering they've been manipulated since birth. This information still disgusts you. Children robbed from their home, their family, only to be shaped into mindless soldiers for the First Order against their will. Approved by Snoke, maintained by Hux. 

"I can't promise I'll leave them unharmed if they cross my path." 

You put your hand on his lap, fingers snaking into his own. "I know." Dragging him along, you pull yourself up. "Ready to go again?" You ask lighthearted, activating your blade.

* * *

As per her request, you are helping out Rosetta transport equipment from the storage unit to the landing hub. No wonder she asked you, that shit is heavy! 

"What in the Stars name are we even moving? Bantha shit?" As you push the giant box into a transporter trunk, you spew out the sarcastic question.

Being miss 'my back hurts', she's waiting in the driver seat until you secure the equipment. "I told you to use your Forcemagic for this."

Giving your arms a bit of rest, you pop your head around facing the direction of Rosetta. "Girl, the Force is an unexplainable anomaly that connects everything together, and you want me to move boxes with it?"

"Obviously!"

In five seconds you go through all five stages of grief. "Can't argue with you there." With the flick of your wrist, you place the remaining equipment into the trunk. "Ready to go!" You give her a thumbs-up. 

On the outside landing space, you unload everything while Rosetta preps herself for her task. Suddenly, Dand runs up to you. "They are back!"

While still holding a heavy container in the air, you bring your attention to Dand. "Who's back?"

"The search team for Poe." As he finishes the sentence, an aircraft appears from hyperspace. 

In your excited daze, you drop the floating container without a second thought and run-up to see the commotion. You feel his energy before you see him. Poe is back. 

It doesn't take long for him to spot you. He meets you in the middle of the field and grabs you before you can even say 'welcome back', pulling you into a bear hug. 

"It's so good to see you guys!" He frantically professes, a giant smile gracing the corners of his mouth. He ends the hug, looking around. "Is Leia around? I need to speak to her."

You point towards the logistic post. "Over there, I'll come along."

Likely having seen the commotion, Leia has already emerged from the base to greet Poe. "Poe. I'm glad you are unharmed."

"General, BB-8 hasn't been seen on Jakku after I met up with the search team. Locals say a girl and a man left Jakku with the Millenium Falcon after the First Order attacked them. I know who the man is, he's a stormtrooper who helped me escape from the Finalizer. His name is Finn." 

Leia nods, understanding the situation. "We need all the information we can get. I'll inform all our allies in the Outer Rim about the importance of finding our droid. Hopefully, they'll have a clue where BB-8 and your savior is. I assume the First Order is aware of his importance?"

"Unfortunately, they are." He averts his gaze for a minute. "Kylo Ren took it out of my head."

Both you and Leia hold your breath. Your eyes meet for a moment until Leia turns back gesturing Poe to follow her. "Help me out, will you."

After your last invasive question, you didn't want to overstep his boundaries anymore. So once he told you about Poe's escape, you let the subject die. But of course they'd have Ben search his mind for information. And now, he may even know where your base is.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Unedited, might be a mess  
> Update: Edited


	56. Castle owner of Takodana

Tension is high ever since Poe's return. Communication and logistics both working 24/7 in case they receive news about BB-8. Poor Dand has been living off coffee for the past two days. He isn't the only one having his hands full. Poe has been using every trick in the books to convince Leia to give him permission in order to search for BB-8 and Finn. Leia isn't having any of it. She keeps dropping these mundane tasks on him just to keep him out of her hair. Out of pity, you agree to lend her a hand in distracting Poe.

"Hey Poe, can you help me with something?"

He seems to be searching for someone, popping his head inside every room he passes. "Later, I need to speak with the general."

 _Of course you do._ You mentally eye roll. "Listen, everyone says you're the best shot around and my blaster-dodging skills have gone downhill. Can you please do me a solid here?" The final touch, clasping your hands together to show your true desperation. 

One of his eyebrows raises. "They really say I'm the best shot?" 

_Really Poe? That's what you got out of my question?_ "Yep. I require a great shot if I want to go back to my former glory. So please?" Throw in some puppy eyes, that always works. 

A playful smirk sets upon his face. "Only because you asked so nicely."

It's not like you were in desperate need of blaster-dodging training, but you realize now it has been a while since you've done it with another person. For the last couple of months, you've only used droids. So doing this against a skilled person is a perfect test of your abilities. Sometimes you use the Force to dodge, sometimes you don't have to. Deflecting can be done with your lightsaber or with the Force too. Luckily, Poe changes it up every so often, going from a more out in the open style to more of a sniper-style. There are a lot of ways to shoot people after all. You both go on for hours until Poe announces he needs a break. Now you got some time to ask him more about what happened.

"So... How did you get caught by ~~_Ben_~~ Kylo Ren?" You mentally slap yourself for almost referring to Kylo Ren as Ben. 

He takes a big sip before he answers you. "A good source provided me the location of Lor San Tekka. He was last seen on Jakku. I don't doubt he spilled the beans to the First Order for some credits. So once I received the map to Skywalker, guess who showed up?" You see him smiling, but it looked grim. "I gave the map to BB-8, telling him to run. I stayed to direct their attention to me instead. What I didn't expect, was to be frozen mid-shot. Kylo Ren is one powerful Force-user."

"What happened with Lor San Tekka? Did he escape?"

Poe shakes his head somberly. "No. Once Ren found out he didn't carry the map any longer, he killed him in a fit of rage."

You remember something from a few days ago. How disheveled Ben looked. Disoriented and out of balance. He didn't tell you what made him feel that way and you didn't ask. At that moment he needed comfort, so you gave him comfort. Now it makes sense. Killing Lor San Tekka in a fit of rage may have not been what he wanted, but the darkness inside of him forced him to. How much longer does he have to suffer at the hands of Snoke? When will his torture end? 

"Then he took me prisoner. Once onboard the Finalizer, I got put in one of those interrogation chairs. They used everything to make me talk, nothing worked. So they brought in the real deal, Kylo Ren. Within seconds he knew everything." Poe continued his story, unease waving off of him with every word. To soothe him, you carefully rub his arm. "When all hope was lost, some stormtrooper rolled in and freed me. Telling me he wants to escape with me. And we did. But our ship got shot down, that's when I lost him."

"You really care about him." You notice. He only nods. "Well, at least he's been seen alive with a girl and BB-8. You'll see him again." You aren't lying, your gut is telling you he's still alive.

"Finn. I called him Finn. He-he didn't have a name."

True. Stormtroopers only receive a number to remember them by. So him giving him a real name must have been special. "Did he like it?"

The corner of his mouth slightly forms a smile. "He did."

* * *

As you both arrive back for lunch, there seems to be a lot of commotion once more. Chavdri sees you walking down with Poe and runs towards you. "Hey! They found BB-8! He's with Maz on Takodana!"

"Why's everybody getting ready then?" Poe questions.

Before Chavdri can answer him, Leia arrives. "We aren't the only ones that know, unfortunately." 

Chavdri respectfully addresses her and goes to his designated transporter. 

"Permission to get on my X-wing and save him?" Poe asks with a grin, already knowing the answer.

Leia sighs. "Permission granted." As Poe sprints off, she turns to you. "You'll come with me."

"Shouldn't I go with the ground troops?" Confused with her directions, you ask her for clarification.

You follow her to where her cruiser is. "We won't deploy ground troops, only X-wings." 

So a battle in the air. Doesn't sound like a task for you.

* * *

The fight's still in progress as the ship enters the atmosphere, so landing isn't safe. And you know, oh you know he's here. His aura fills your senses upon arrival. 

"Ben." His name slips out before you can stop yourself. Instantly you cover your mouth. Fortunately, only Leia heard you. Her eyes stare at you, the sadness surrounding that name displayed in her irises. As you are about to speak up, she's needed elsewhere. You scan the battlefield, hoping to find a trace of Ben. If you feel him, he can feel you too. Honestly, you don't want to fight him. Yet you know you have no choice. How you wish he left with you. Said hell to the First Order, to Snoke. This is what Leia must experience every day. 

"First Order troops are falling back, we have permission to land." The speaker announces. 

_Why are they falling back? Did they find BB-8?_ Anxiety fills your veins, yet relief enters your mind. There will be no fight today.

Once the door opens, you jog outside. You find Poe next to a dark-skinned man. The way they interact makes you assume he's the one called Finn. An older man looks towards the ship, swallowing down a blockage in his throat. You follow his gaze, landing on Leia's form. 

_Is he...?_

"Han."

"Leia." He covers the distance in a couple of strides, wrapping his arms around her. The man must be Han Solo, Leia's ex-husband. Father of Ben. A Wookiee joins in and hugs them both at the same time, growling out of happiness. 

You head over to Poe, giving the three of them space. "So I assume this is Finn?" 

The happiness radiating off of Poe is blinding. "Yes, he is!" He introduces you to him. "She was once a part of the First Order as well, but escaped with our allies from the Supremacy."

Finn turns to you, trying to figure out who you are. "I'm sorry, I don't recognize you. Were you a stormtrooper?"

You shake your head. "I was known as Ghost."

His face instantly pales at the mention of your moniker. "T-that was you?"

"Don't worry, I'm Resistance now." You wink to ease his stress.

He relaxes somewhat, a more determined look emerging on his features. "Can you help me? Ren took my friend Rey! She helped me and BB-8 escape from the First Order on Jakku!"

"Why did he take her?" You question him suspiciously. Though you can't feel any malice coming from him.

"She has seen the map to Skywalker. He'll extract it from her mind."

"Who has seen the map?" Leia asks, having overheard part of the conversation. As Finn explains everything, the environment surrounding you dulls. The estranged lightsaber you found on Kashyyyk leading you to move into the crumbled building. You wander wherever it wants you to, which seems to be a basement within the castle. In front of you lies a robe, its design reminding you of master Jedi robes from the stories. You crouch, letting your hand feel the material. Flashes of ages ago arrive suddenly, going too fast for you to make out anything you might recognize. The lightsaber screams, it longs so connect. You take it out, the Force visions connecting with the ones from the robes. 

"That lightsaber," An unfamiliar voice breaks you out of your trance. "belonged to a powerful Jedi. So did the robe." You fall down, now seeing the owner of said voice. The one known as Maz Kanata. She looks perplexed, why you don't know. "And they called to you." 

"Called me? Why?" Many questions running through your mind, yet you can utter only one. There is no control.

"So you can reunite the lightsaber with its true master!" She states, as if obvious. 

"I-I don't know who that is."

She remains quiet, carefully picking her next words. "The creator of that weapon was called Anakin Skywalker, father of Luke and Leia, grandfather of Ben Solo."

"Who do I give it to?" _Does she even know?_

A kind smile forms on her features as she kneels in front of you. "The one who will bring balance to the galaxy. Whoever that may be, I'm sure you'll know when the time comes. Their destiny is intertwined with yours." 

It all starts to make sense. This is why the lightsaber chose you to bring it back to its rightful master. It's more clear than ever that you need to meet Luke Skywalker before Ben finds him.


	57. The Star Killer

When you emerged from the basement, a red beam in the sky has everyone's attention. 

"That's the Hosnian system..." Poe gasps.

"It's the weapon. They finished it." Finn explains, also shocked at what's happening. 

The moment it hits the target, you can hear billions of screams. A pang of hurt strikes you in your core. All those lives, taken before their time. Even the Force mourns them. Does Ben feel it too?

Gripped by the loss, you don't acknowledge Leia holding you. The ground beneath you seems to disappear and tears blur your vision. Everything that happens next is a complete blur.

* * *

Back home, your senses stabilize. Although the dread all those lives experienced before they died still lingers to you. How can the First Order do something like that? Just to take out their competition? They are sick. And now, they know where our base is.

All available are called into an emergency meeting, discussing our next move with this superweapon breathing down our necks. Finn started off by giving more information about the weapon, how it works, where the weak points are. After that, Poe takes over at the forefront leading the meeting with Leia. "We need to take down Starkiller base! It's the only way to protect our people and recourses!" 

"It won't work." You chime in. 

The whole room's attention goes to you. "Really? How can you be sure?" Poe retorts sarcastically, clearly not in the mood for other people's opinions. 

You give him a look of 'you wanna test me bruh?'. That'll keep him quiet. "They'll have it charged in fifteen minutes, there's no way we can disable the core before it launches the shot. This is it. There is no heroic deed that can delay the inevitable." 

"Then we have to evacuate. Take only the essentials and go off-planet as fast as we can." Leia speaks up, proposing her plan.

Poe's hand sweeps over his messy hair, not thrilled with the responses. "You've seen how the fleet of the New Republic got caught in the blast zone during the broadcast. It's impossible to go into hyperspeed until our ships leave the atmosphere! That alone takes ten minutes."

She thinks for a second. "We leave behind resources and supplies. It's a needed sacrifice in order to save lives."

"Are you kidding?! How will we ever rebuild if we don't have anything left?!" His panic gets the best of him, making him shout in front of the whole group. It goes dead quiet. "We can still stop it, General. We just need a team to infiltrate and disable the core on time."

They continue to bicker about the best possible strategy for a while. In the meantime, you let the Force guide you on what should be done. Its answer solid and clear. "Without those ships," You interrupt their back and forth. "you'll be left vulnerable to their attacks in space. You need those recourses Leia, or there won't be a Resistance anymore." While clenching your lightsaber in your hand, you close your eyes and take a deep breath. "I can bend the Force around the blast so our ships can stay safe."

Everyone gawks at you with wide eyes, stunned by what you just told them. Only Leia knows what you are actually saying. "You can't sacrifice yourself to save us. We need you." She tells you softly.

But you won't budge. "There is no other option General. Without the Resistance, who is going to stand up against the First Order? The New Republic is gone, hope is dying out. If it means you all survive, I'll happily give my life to restore hope in the galaxy."

Your resolve doesn't go unnoticed. "You won't survive it..." Her tone is so small, heavy in fear and pain. Yet you can't ease her worries.

"I know." You leave without giving room for further discussion, determined with your choice. 

Leia releases a heavy sigh, steadying herself quickly. "Ready the ships."

* * *

As you make your way to the planet's highest peak, you hear someone calling out to you. It's Finn and Han. You come to a stop so they can catch up to you.

"What are you guys doing? You should be getting ready to leave." You question them alarmed.

"We wanted to let you know that Han, Chewbacca, and I are going to Starkiller to rescue Rey and hopefully find a way to disable the core on time." Finn explains like it is the easiest quest ever.

You give him a bewildered stare. "Are you mad?? That's never going to work you kriffing idiot! I approve of getting your friend out, but tempering with the weapon??"

Han chimes in as well. "We'll try, but we won't guarantee it."

They both leave you unable to say anything reasonable. "I can't come with you."

"We're not asking you too." Han interrupts. "Just know, we're trying our best." He sounds so sincere, yet apologetic. 

Your mind drifts to Ben. If you die here, he won't know what happened, or why you choose this. You let your eyes meet Han's. "If you see Kylo Ren-"

"I know kiddo. Leia told me everything."

Damn those Solo's with their 'I know' bullshit. "You better."


	58. Reminiscing of Days Lost

This is it. The path you started yourself on. All that engulfs your mind are serene memories you shared with Ben back on Starkiller. Funny how that works, right now you are climbing a mountain so you can stop a planet-destroying beam from eradicating the Resistance and all you think about are happy moments spend on that exact base. One that immediately stood out is where Ben showed you an amazing spot to watch the scenery which stretches out beyond the base. Snow-covered trees. The stillness snow brings you is calming, something you definitely needed when working for an organization you hate to death. These occasions of kindness shown by 'Kylo Ren' is where Ben Solo shines through. Something he'll never admit to. 

You remember that day clearly. Just another training day, swinging fake lightsabers against one another whilst casually discussing a book you read together the other day.

"Yeah I get why he sought revenge and all that, but she told him like five chapters before the event that she'd hate it if he interfered. And he still does it?!" You rambled in between swings, barely concentrating on the sparring session. 

However your partner wasn't taking it seriously either anyway, so he didn't call you out on it. Instead, he stirred you up even more. "You aren't seeing the bigger picture."

"What bigger picture?? There is none." You threw your hands up, agitated by his comment.

"Start seeing it from his perspective. Her clan killed his family, naturally he'd want revenge. No matter if she agrees." 

"But he loves her. Shouldn't that be enough to overcome hate?" At this point, the set had been pushed to the side in favor of this book discussion. 

A groan escaped him, clearly not impressed by your input. "The characters are written more complex than some feeble emotions. He may see a future with her, but that doesn't take away his pain from the past."

You huffed. "It's no surprise he got her killed. He should have taken up her offer to begin something new together. Now he lost everything." 

"There you go. You figured out the message of the book." He grins towards you smugly.

You stood there perplexed. "I-uuh... What message exactly?? Love good, revenge bad?"

He shook his head, an amused smile still graced his lips. "Revenge is a neverending cycle that leads to nothing but pain and ruin. An important life lesson. He could have had everything, but he chose to follow a path with no happy ending. His fixation with the past destroyed his future." He fell silent after that, almost seemingly processing his own words.

"I guess you're right. They implied the book was a love story that could change his life but gave a realistic spin to it. Morality is flawed after all." You chimed in. 

His gaze found yours. "Good analysis."

You gave him a sly wink. "I learned from the best." Your eyes wandered to the forgotten training equipment lying on the floor. "Do we continue or leave it at this?"

Kylo seemed to think for a minute. "No, It would be too short. But I have something else in mind." Again that smug grin of his. "Let's train your hearing abilities."

"My... hearing abilities..." You repeated his words slowly, not understanding his intentions.

He pointed to a piece of cloth hanging from your armor. "Cover your vision and follow my voice."

"Uh excuse you?" Now you were even more confused. _Did he want you to find him by using his voice?_

"Indeed, that is my intention." He answered your inner thoughts. 

After you put on the blindfold, you rolled your eyes underneath it. "Ready."

"Make sure you keep up." His voice trailed off in the distance. You cautiously followed as fast as you possibly could. It started off horrible. You bumped into more walls then you can count, couldn't open doors for shit. At least there were no stormtroopers patrolling this area, otherwise you would have bumped into them like a headless chicken. Slowly but surely, you got used to this new way of traversing. His voice didn't disappear all of a sudden anymore, barely any smacks into walls. Then you heard him open a door, the sound of wind rung through it for a second. 

_Did he go outside? But we're above ground level?_

"Still following?" He asked from behind the closed doors. Not giving up on this weird game, you stepped through. An icy cold wind struck your face, yet you didn't feel cold. "Alright, you can take it off."

As per command, you removed the blindfold. The scenery displayed in front of you was breathtaking. This planet had a very short day cycle, so it's sun was already setting. It had been so long since you've seen a sunset. "Wow, just wow." You couldn't help your smile. You had grown attached to your time with Kylo, but moments like these made you forget every trouble you carried. Just for a day. "Where are we?" You asked him, scanning the environment. 

Kylo took his place beside you, staring off into the distance. "An old outlook post. Only accessible for me currently. I guess I just came here naturally." 

That's a lie. But you didn't care. Kylo's shy after all. Something you figured out in these past few weeks. He dislikes being vulnerable, yet still wants to show kindness occasionally. You gripped the railing next to his hand, slightly grazing his gloved fingers. "Thank you." You whispered silently underneath your breath, unheard by him. 

At that point, love started to grow. A small seed taking root inside your heart. His had already grown by then, something you couldn't see yet. Now you do.

This memory, you will always carry with you and never forget. Even in the grave. 

* * *

This is the end. An assumption maybe, but a likely scenario. The Stardestroyer uses the power of a sun, nobody is powerful enough to stop such massive energy. 

You reach the highest peak you could find. If it wasn't for your impending doom, you would enjoy the scenery. Above you appears a red dot. A sign they have launched. There is no more time. You need to prepare and protect this planet. Not just keeping the Resistance out of the blast zone, also the wildlife inhabiting this planet. If you are sacrificing yourself, you best do it right. 

Setting yourself in a comfortable stance, you allow the Force to flow through you. Making it an extension of yourself. It fills every cell inside your body, the power overflowing. All or nothing. Just as you are about to focus the received energy, the all too familiar tingle sings beside your ears. He's here and you couldn't be happier. Perhaps it was your memory that brought him here, or perhaps he wanted to see you safe with everything that's going on. The reason doesn't matter, all you care about is him being the last person you set your eyes on. The redness perfectly illuminates his dark clothes, red and black. Yet it's his eyes you fixate on. Those beautiful deep brown irises, staring back with yearning. His relief is shortlived, as he senses the power coursing through you. He knows what you're planning. As he tries to speak up, his face contorts in pain. That's when you notice the giant gaping wound by his sides, bleeding like a river. Both of you are on the edges of death. You long to say goodbye, to give him something. It's at that moment your mind comes up with the perfect sentence.

"I just see you." 

The scorching heat penetrates the atmosphere. You close your eyes, concentrating on your next move. Gracefully you move your arms to the front of your body, centering most energy there. With your fingers, you search for traces of the Force within the beam you can bend just as you practiced with blaster bolts. The moment you sense it, you grasp it into your control. Before the impact, you redirect it, yet keeping it close. Its energy swirls around you, completely under your control. Still you can't change its terrible heat. Your skin is on fire, but you won't budge. You need to keep it circling around you, giving as much time to your escaping allies as you can give them. The energy become denser and denser, threatening to implode. You struggle to control it. 

_Let go._ A voice tells you, and you do as told. There's a blast, yet the planet is not destroyed. Only a part got caught, pieces of rubble floating in the sky. The explosion forms a stunning aurora from the residual energy. The planet lives.

But where are you?


	59. Lost, Not Found

_No, no, NO! Why is EVERYTHING going to shit!_ As he weakly strides through the snow, Kylo Ren's mind is screaming. When he was about to interrogate the scavenger, he had sensed Han Solo on Starkiller. It's only natural he dropped everything to find him. Of course, the traitor had come along to save his precious 'friend'. If only he hadn't reacted so impulsively. It cost him his information regarding Skywalker. Eventually, he did find Han Solo. And following his master's command, he finished his training. Yet all that's left inside him feels hollow. No wonder the Wookiee companion was able to hit him with his shot. In any other situation, he would have frozen it in midair. But dealing that killing blow to ~~_his father_~~ Han Solo disturbed him. 

Suddenly, the sun's light vanishes, leaving darkness in its absence. The weapon is charged and ready to fire, indicating the end of the Resistance. Chances of escaping the blast through evacuation are slim to none, comparable with the destruction of Hosnian Prime. Their little infiltration team has failed to sabotage their own inevitable demise. 

Though he should feel victorious, there is only anxiety present. His mind floats to Leia Organa, his mother. How disappointed she must be in him. Just like him, she was connected to Han Solo. His death will impair her heavily. She isn't the only person that comes to mind. Your smiling face appears in front of his eyes. His match, his equal, his love. Every ounce of him prays you make it off-planet in time, that you would have left on the first ship available. But he knows you better. You never flee in the wake of danger. 

The Force always knows when to taunt him. As he stomps towards the fleeing traitor, the connection opens up. In front of him, you appear. Your stunning eyes notice him immediately, a kind and warm energy enveloping him. How in the Stars did he ever deserve you? You, a being so balanced that even the Force favors you. Why did it have to end like this? It should have ended with you in his arms, both old and withered. Not now, not like this. 

In your sparkling eyes, he catches a red glow. No doubt from the weapon. Then it downs on him, you're using the Force to defend the planet from being destroyed. It explains the powerful surging all around you. The power will kill you. He tries to warn you, a sting of pain silences his untold concern. His wound is deeper than previously expected. Only now does he feel the lightheadedness forming in his head. Instead of succumbing to the lightness, he listens to your mind. Many struggles are coursing through it. 

"I just see you." And you're gone. 

No, you can't be gone! The Force wouldn't allow it! It isn't supposed to end like this!

He braces himself for something, anything, that hints him of your faith. But nothing came. 

Before he could think of the reasons why, the earth bellow him rumbles menacingly. He scans the area, detecting no hint of the traitor and scavenger. They must have done this. He needs to find a ship and fast, for he has a resolution on his mind.

* * *

As he nears D'Qar, an unfamiliar phenomenon comes into his ship's view. An aurora-like anomaly holding together the shattered pieces of the recently attacked planet. 

_Did she do this?_ He wonders, impressed by the possibility. 

His ship lands, still he senses no trace of your Force signature. He doesn't give up hope just yet. Ben wanders for a while until something catches his attention on one of the floating boulders. Even with his meagerly patched wounds, he's able to reach whatever's been calling him. 

A shimmer of hope. 


	60. Ahch-To

In the void you drift, no destination in the end.

Is this death? 

No. You can still feel everything. Hot. Cold. Hard. Soft.

Pain.

Soothing liquid. 

What is happening with your body?

* * *

You awaken to a soft pitter-patter sound. With great effort you open your eyelids, trying to assess your surroundings. It's dark and cold. You wonder if you're dead or already in the afterlife if there even exists one. Maybe even a part of the Force. However when your vision adjusts to the darkness, you notice the stone walls and ceiling you reside in. Observing your environment, you try to remember what happened and how you got here since you're definitely not on D'Qar anymore. As you attempt to sit upright you experience a sharp sting all over your body. So moving is currently impossible. 

The entrance rattles and a stranger steps inside. Due to the fact you can't move, it's hard to see who they might be. You hold your breath in anticipation. "Well look who's alive. Didn't think you'd make it kid."

Their voice is unfamiliar to you. Definitely not a member of your base. Best way to get answers is to ask. "Who are you? And where am I? Are you with the First Order or the Resistance?" You ask him, the sound of your voice as scratchy as it feels. 

You hear them huff. "So many questions and not even a thank you for tending to your injuries." So that explains why you cannot move and of course the pain you feel. You did take quite a hit after all.

"Thank you." You express sincerely. If not for them, you may have died. 

"You're welcome, kid. Now to answer your first question, my name is Luke. For your sec-"

Immediately you sit up, ignoring the screaming pain. It's him, Luke Skywalker. The one Leia has been looking for and he's standing right in front of you. "You're Luke Skywalker." A statement, not a question. 

He releases a sigh. "Lay down, you'll hurt yourself." You do as instructed, the aching setting in. "Back to your previous question, you're on Ahch-To. A planet in the Unknown Regions. The place I exiled myself to." His stare narrows. "How did you get here?" _Good question._ You want to answer him, but the pain makes you unable to speak. Luke notices this. "A question for another time, you need to rest. Don't worry, the pain will dull soon."

* * *

Once again you feel yourself floating in soothing liquid, yet you know you are conscious. Moving your body slowly, you appear to be in a body of water. Panicking slightly, you flail your arms so you won't go under.

"Calm down or you'll get water inside your lungs!" A now familiar voice shouts at you. Instantly you stop your frantic movement. As the water returns to a calm state, your body floats evenly again. "There you go. This spring has healing proportion, it'll mend the burns on your body."

 _Burns?_ You peer towards your right arm, seeing the damage for yourself. It's littered with burn marks. The spoils of sacrifice. 

"Good thing you were wearing that armor, or you might not have lived to see tomorrow." He falls silent for a second. "Care to tell me what happened?"

Full truth? Where would you even begin? "It's a long story."

Luke sets himself into a sitting position, showing no intention to leave. "I don't have anywhere else to be, kid. Humor me." He tells you with a hint of amusement. 

You smile at his comment. "Okay then." 


	61. Tales of Heroes

So you told him. Well, not everything. Like your involvement in the First Order and your bond with Ben, considering he was likely involved in the making of Kylo Ren. But anything related to your time with the Resistance is shared. Throughout it all, he remained quiet. Attentively listening. Every so often he'd frown at something you said, like the fact that the Resistance was looking for him and each time you mentioned Kylo Ren or Snoke. Once you ended your story, he asked for clarification about a few things.

"You... bend the Force within the energy beam?" Hesitantly he questions the truth of your story.

"I did."

"Which resulted in D'Qar not being obliterated?" He continues, still not a hundred percent convinced. You nod. His mouth hangs open, bewildered by the idea of you bending a Starkiller beam. "How are you not dead and how did you get here of all places??"

You laugh at his and your own confusion. "I have no idea!" 

He puts his hand on his face, shaking his head. "Kids these days. Taking unnecessary risks."

You furrow your brows and huff. "Like you never did something risky when you were fighting against the Empire."

"Those were calculated moves!" He retorts, a slight hesitancy in his voice. _Yeah right._ You visibly roll your eyes. "If you had died, they would lose this war. They need a Force-sensitive at their side to fight Snoke and Ren. Have you thought about that?"

 _Oh, he's one to lecture._ "Then you'd have to take my place."

Abruptly he stands up, facing away from you. "They don't need someone like me."

That sounds like total bantashit to you. Carefully you set your legs on the bottom of the spring, still shoulders deep in the water. "Light rises to meet their equal in the dark. You are the last Jedi, the light this galaxy needs to destroy the First Order! You've done it once, why can't you do it again?" You throw at him accusingly. Shouldn't that be his duty as a Jedi? To bring light and peace into this world?

He turns around, anger visible in his expression. "The Jedi never owned the light, that is their hubris! They allowed the rise of Darth Sidious and eventually the destruction of the Jedi Order. The galaxy doesn't need the Jedi anymore. Nobody does. It's time to let the outdated religions of the Force die since it never served anything for the betterment of the galaxy."

"If not you, who will?!" You cannot contain your own anger. This man was the hero of the Rebellion, the galaxy's last hope to take down Darth Vader. And now he renounces the one teaching that brought back peace to the galaxy. "I cannot align myself with the light or dark side of the Force! How am I supposed to bring balance when I can't even tip the scales?!" 

The tension is heavy, your heavy breathing the only sound that can be heard. Luke holds up one finger. "That is your first mistake, thinking you need a Jedi to bring balance." Next, he puts up a second finger. "Your second mistake is thinking you have to align yourself in order to take down the First Order."

Before he can explain, you interrupt him. "But that's how it always has been!" In your shouting, you sound desperate. 

"There you go, the root of your problem. It's time to let old things die. I will take the Jedi down with me, never sharing its teachings with anyone. That is why I exiled myself after the Kylo Ren disaster." Hope, that is why Poe was looking for the map. Destruction, that is why Ben was looking for it. And Ben is the one to get his wish, without even playing a part in it. 

And you? Somewhere, deep within, you wished for hope too. Now all you are left with are questions that cannot be answered. "Then what am I supposed to do?" An edge of despair resides in your words. 

It's clear he needs some time by himself, but before he goes he stops to answer your question. "Look within yourself."

You haven't noticed this entire time, but you can't feel the Force within him. At first, you thought it was because of the strain you had put yourself under. Now it's clear. Luke has shut himself off completely. 

* * *

The burns are healing quite nicely. This island's spring contains a lot of Force energy which speeds the recovery process by a great margin. Strained muscles are a thing of the past. You can even walk again without feeling dull pain constantly.

Luke, on the other hand, has been avoiding any form of conversation. Tonight is one of those silent-treatment dinners. It's getting harder to stay silent, however. You haven't been able to rekindle your connection after what happened, your drained energy isn't making it easy either. As of late, your bond with Ben has been non-existent. You know it's still there, but it won't connect. If only it did, you could ask him for help. He still wants you on his side, that won't change, but he'll always seek the middle-ground for you. That's something you both have in common. 

"Listen, I understand you want to let the Jedi Order die, so be it. But why are you so stubborn about aiding us? People need you. Your sister needs you!" Ending the silence, you finally vent to Luke.

Calmly, he stirs his meal. "The people in this galaxy don't need a legend. It needs new hope to lead them into a better future."

"So you're saying Leia should just quit? She's an asset to this war!" You hate how he can so easily judge his own family. Leia build the Resistance from the ground up, she's even the face of it. Without her, who would even believe in us?

Luke waves at you dismissively. "I know Leia's heart is in the right place kid. Still, I stand by my point." Gulping down the last pieces, he stands up and walks away. Ending once again the conversation without leaving room for discussion. 

_Asshole._ You glare back at him. This was supposed to be the hero of the Rebellion? More like an old single-minded grandpa. "I'm sorry Leia... I guess it's just me." You murmur silently. 

Thunder roars by the edge of the horizon, indicating a storm is coming. You get up to seek shelter, but you freeze. A whisper speaking your name calls for your attention. It draws you into an unknown place of the island, by an ancient tree. Curious, you examine the hollow entrance. Deeper within the tree, you notice something. Once closer, they appear to be some books. Old ones. You pick up one and scan over its pages. It contains a dead language, one you cannot read. Why were you brought here? Could it be a Jedi reaching out to you? 

You see no reason to not answer it. Setting yourself on the ground, you bring yourself into a meditative state. It starts hazy, a greyish smoke concealing wherever you ended up. You carefully step through it, hoping to find whoever has been calling you. You wander aimlessly, hearing the whisper no longer.

Suddenly, light pierces through the smoke. Within the naked light, you saw ten thousand people, perhaps even more. They are talking, without speaking. Hearing yet not listening. All you perceive is silence. The people in front of you must be Jedi. You walk amidst them, none are paying attention to you. Almost like you don't exist. In the distance, you see someone staring at you. It's a man you don't recognize. As you near him, you take in his features. A fair young man with shoulder-length dark blond hair and blue eyes. He doesn't say anything, so you do. "Did you call me?" No answer, yet for some reason you know he did. "Do you have an answer to my issue?" _How can I bring balance?_

He reaches out, gesturing you to grab his hand. The moment you do, images of a mirror flash before your eyes. A mirror located on this island. You let go and find yourself back inside the tree. 

"What are you doing here?" Your head snaps towards the questioning voice. It's Luke. 

"I looked within myself, with help." You reply dryly while rising from your seated position. You have to find this mirror from the vision. 

As you try to exit Luke stops you with his arm. "What did you see?"

 _Now you care?_ "None of your business." You glare at him, clear on your intent to leave. 

"Is that how you talk to someone who took care of you when you were on the verge of dying?!" Your standoffish attitude is starting to piss him off. Good. You push his arm out of your way, heading straight for your quest. It had started raining while you were 'talking' with that one Force-ghost. Even while soaked, you don't cease your search. 

Eventually, you stumbled upon something carrying dark energy. Your heartbeat fastens, events of the past stoking your fear. The mind tells you to run, but the gut pulls you forward. This is it. Inside this dark hole lays a mirror containing your answers. You take the leap, diving into the water below. When you resurface, you see it. The mirror. From the cave walls echos eerie whispers, feeding the fear in your mind even more. This place feels off. 

As you stand before the mirror, you see yourself staring back. Like the ghost reached out with his hand, so do you. Its surface is cold, the Force it carries hidden beneath the layers. Waiting to be drawn out.

"How can balance be restored?" 

You see a shift, a shadow coming forward. Taking its place beside you. You recognize it. The shadow is shaped like Ben. As you think of his name, you see the shadow morphing into him. He looks... Different. Happier. He's staring at you with a loving gaze, you can't help but smile back. 

_Is this his future? Is he the future?_ Suddenly, it clicks. Ben is the answer. You can bring him back to the light. Once you do, we'll restore balance to the galaxy.

And now it's clear, you have someone you need to return to. No matter the cost. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> inspo song: Disturbed - The sound of silence


	62. Country Road, Take Me Home

Back to training mode. Though no lightsaber training as yours is missing. You figure it either got destroyed or still remains on D'Qar. You hope the latter. Your treasure has been with you through ups and downs, always by your side. Finding it will be the first duty once you figure out how to leave this place. So you are left with Force training. The Force allowed you to transfer here, there must be a way back. All you have to do is understand how it happened. 

You've heard Leia talking about projecting yourself through the Force into another part of the universe, but she said it takes a lot of energy. Can people actually travel through time and space using the Force? Everyone agrees the Force connects everything, so traveling through It may not seem like such a wild idea. But the hardest part, figuring out the how. So you try. Again and again and again. You fail, a lot. Yet the thought of giving up never crosses your mind. Not now, not ever. You finally got this shimmer of hope, all it needs is an ignition. 

Barely resting, you continue on each day. Your body may be exhausted, but your mind is clear. And after hours of struggling, there is progress. You imagined yourself flowing through the Force towards your hut on this island. The moment you open your eyes inside the hut, you realize you finally figured it out. 

"YES!" You scream out of pure bliss. "I did it..." Exhaustion sets in, you pass out. 

* * *

Huh... You must be dreaming. Why else would Ben be here, holding you in his arms, stroking your hair and murmuring sweet nothings into your neck? 

Then you remember the bond. Your body wants to shoot up, but this guy's giant biceps are stopping you from moving. Instead of loosening his grip, it becomes even tighter. "Don't go..." He mumbles in his sleep. 

_Right... He probably thinks I'm gone..._ Your own thoughts make you emotional. Is he holding on to you in his dreams? Looking down into your eyes while you prep yourself to take on Starkiller's weapon? Or reminiscing of all the nights you two spend together? Whatever the scenario may be, he still needs you. Not looking to escape any longer, you burry yourself in his chest. His heartbeat right next to your ear, your favorite spot. His breath steadies, likely from falling into a deep sleep state.

"Soon." You promise.

* * *

Feeling rested, you ready yourself to leave behind Ahch-To and with it Luke Skywalker. If he doesn't want to carry the burden of restoring balance, you'll find someone who does. Ben. Your broken armor is sort of fixed. The Ghost persona still present in its design, only more tethered. Just how you feel inside. Clothes do really reflect the person wearing them. Now, all you need to do is focus your energy and picture your lightsaber in your mind. 

"Wait!'

There he is once again, the interrupter himself. You don't open your eyes to meet his. "Don't try to stop me, I'm leaving."

His steps become silent in front of your seated form. "You're going to meet up with Kylo Ren, aren't you?" He sounds accusing, perhaps even disappointed. What right does he have?

"I need his help." You retort, glaring this time directly at him. 

"He'll never turn to the light. He's too far gone." Another accusation towards Ben. As if he had no part in it. 

In an instant you are back on your feet, threateningly peering into his eyes. "Don't! You have no idea what he's really like!"

The silence is deafening. Both of you are waiting for the other's next words. Luke's stoic expression changes to a more defeated one. "He destroyed my temple, killed my students, and now he has killed his own father."

Blank, your mind goes completely empty. "What?" 

Luke casts his gaze downwards. "I felt it before you arrived here. Han Solo is dead. I know he did it." 

"You're lying." He's not lying. During your recovery, you could feel this hollowness. You figured it came from Ben, thinking he lost you. But over time you understood that if you could feel his emotions, he could feel yours too. The hollowness was loss and regret, not aimed at you. 

Luke notices your inner turmoil. "I know this is a lot to take in. Just... Please believe me, before you get yourself killed. This darkness inside of him cannot be changed, it has always been a part of him. I've seen it during his training." 

You know what happened, you've seen Ben's memories. "You tried to kill him, it was self-defense." Anger seeps into your words, the same anger you felt when talking to Leia back on Coruscant. 

"I don't know what he told you, but-"

"You all treated him as a monster!" You interrupt his sentence, outraged by his audacity. "Never satisfied with anything he did, continuing to push him to the edge instead of asking if that's what he wanted! No wonder everyone was scared of his potential power, you forced him to let it out uncontrollably!" Frustrated, you grasp your hair while pacing back and forth. Right then and there you understand why Snoke was able to set his claws into him. He offered him an appreciation of his powers. "Why couldn't people be happy with just Ben? Instead of the expectations you all forced upon him." You haven't noticed the tears until they fall. "He didn't want the destruction and death, all Ben wanted was a place where he could be himself."

Perplexed by the outburst, Luke remains quiet for a minute. "How do you know all that?" He asks genuinely curious. 

You release a deep breath. "We're connected, Ben and I. Everything I just told you, are words from within the core of Ben's being. That's the truth." His eyes yet again leave yours. "I can still bring him back, Luke."

He shakes his head. "Snoke's influence runs too deep, kid. I'm afraid nobody can bring back Ben Solo." His tone sounds so sure, but the intent behind it is based on fear. Change can only begin with hope. 

A small buzz demands your attention. You'd almost forgotten the masterless lightsaber you've been carrying with you. How in the world is it by your side instead of your treasure? 

Luke's stare skims over to the weapon in your hands. He reacts like he had seen a ghost. "Where did you get this?" He questions you in a soft voice. 

You're confused. Does he know who this lightsaber belongs to? "I found it on Kashyyyk during a mission." You answer while he takes it out of your hands. Immediately you snatch it back. "Hey! I made a promise to return it to its rightful master."

"I am his rightful master." _Wait, what??_ Once again you are left without words. This must be a coincidence. "This lightsaber belonged to my father, Anakin Skywalker." He informs you. 

Finally, it makes sense why you ended up with Luke. The lightsaber guided you here through the Force, making you travel to Ahch-To. Probably as an attempt to save your life while also reuniting with his true owner. You hold it in front of you. "Then take it. Clearly it wants you back in the fight just as much as I do. Especially because you think Ben cannot be brought back."

Hesitation, for ones you see conflict in him. "I can't." It left as suddenly as it appeared. 

"Then I am right. Ben will come back to the light. And I'll help him." You reply with determination. This left Luke silent, unable to convince you otherwise. You grab your stuff, heading back to your previous position. Settling back in, you bring your focus back on your lightsaber. 

_Take me there._

When you open your eyes, you are in a place you never expected to be.

The Supremacy.


	63. In Your Arms I Belong

A full-body chill from your head to the end of your spine. Just the sight of its interior decor makes your pulse race. The Supremacy, a ship of your memories. None of them good. How in the name of the Stars did you end up here? Could it be Snoke somehow? 

You examine your surrounding. It appears you are in a room you haven't been in before, at least not out in the open to be discovered by a random stormtrooper. You can't sense lifeforms since you used up a lot of energy. Eventually, your eye falls on the object you've been hunting after. Your lightsaber, delicately placed on a secure pillar. But how did it get here? The second you grab it, you hear a door open. _Shit! I have to-_

Time stands still, your body freezes in its momentum. Those all too familiar beautiful eyes are looking straight at yours, peering into your soul. It's Ben, not through your special bond, but the real him. You see him hesitate to come forward, yet you know better. Running towards him, you leap into his arms. It startles him for a second before he recuperates the embrace. His arms are made to hold you, time and time again. You could never tire of this. His scent, his warmth, all for you. How you wish this would last forever.

"You're here." The disbelief in his voice springs out, as he draws back from the embrace to see your face. The longing in his gaze makes your heart sing, only he can give you this feeling of happiness. Your eyes wander to his plump lips. In sleepless nights, you dreamed of kissing them. So many times, both of you came close yet neither dared. Today you won't make the same mistake any longer. Your fingers slowly move from his back to his hair, and from his hair to his cheeks. His mouth falls open softly, a sign he wants to say something. You won't allow him to utter his words, for you steal a kiss from his wonderous lips. At first he didn't dare move, so you convinced him by deepening it. This surely got his motivation up, as his hands wander from your shoulders to your lower back whilst his mouth follows along with the movement of your lips. The kiss turned into a dance and love is the song that guides it. His emotions fill your senses, filling your being, and making you whole. You know he feels it too. You want this to go on forever, but you realize you can't. Delicately, you remove yourself and open your eyes. A smile forms on your mouth while you watch Ben inching forward desperate for your kiss. How you wish you could give in to his desire. And your own. Instead you settle for a forehead touch. 

"I'm here." _And I just see you._ The sentence in your mind is heard by him, you can tell by of the audible chuckle. 

His hands roam over your cheeks, the touch lingering. "Where were you? What happened? How are you here?"

Of course he'd be concerned, still you couldn't get over the fact how desperately he wants to know. "It's a long story and I have a feeling I don't have the luxury of time to fully explain it." After all, you are back on enemy territory. Snoke's domain. It'd be a miracle if he hasn't sensed you yet.

Ben's stare indicates he still wants an explanation though. "Try me."

You raise your eyebrow. Where is this confidence coming from? "I was looking for my lightsaber. After what happened on D'Qar, I lost it..." You trail off, unsure of how much you should tell him. The topic of his uncle might not end well. "While recovering my energy, I learned how to transport myself through the Force." Normally, any normal person would look at you as if you are crazy. Not Ben. He's attentively listening. "And I ended up here after I tried it to locate my treasure. Did you... Did you find it?"

You watch his adam's apple move. "Yes. I was looking for you, but I could only find your lightsaber." His touch shifts to the back of your necks, rubbing soft circles in your skin. "But now you are here, alive. That's all that matters." Carefully he brings you back into a hug. Once again you wish this moment could last forever, but fear is running down your spine. 

"Snoke." The breaking of your voice announces your fear to him. "I don't want him to realize I'm here." You unravel yourself from his arms. "I have to get off the Supremacy, sooner than later."

Ben nods at you understandably. "Agreed. I need more time before I can face him."

"Face him? What do you mean?" You question him, not liking where this is going. You don't want him to do something stupid. 

"You'll know. When the time is right." He goes through one of his drawers, quickly grabbing a cloak. "Can you teleport out of here?" You shake your head, energy levels still need to recover. Using the Force right now is also a no-no. "Then you need a ship." 

Wait, what?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Inspo song: Vitaa, Slimane - Avant toi


	64. Rescue Mission?

The plan doesn't make any sense. You had to pretend you were infiltrating the Supremacy in order to lead them astray from the Resistance ships which they've been tracking for the last few days. Once you 'completed' your mission, you would storm out, as you did during that day you escaped, and leave the hangar by hijacking a TIE fighter. Ben would come after you, fight and lose, resulting in your freedom. Sounds easy, if you know how to fly a TIE fighter. Which you don't. You've been with the Resistance for almost a year and during that time nobody had the luxury of teaching you. Time is precious when you are trying to prevent wars and fight alongside your allies. 

You're following Ben, whose avoiding the most populated hallways, as he leads you towards the server room of communications. "So the Finalizer and the Supremacy have been hunting down our ships? Have they found them?"

While not slowing down his pace, he answers your questions. "We have cornered them a few times, yet they always found a way to escape. But not for long, Hux has been working on a new tracking device."

Anything that Hux is planning can never be good. "What kind of tracking device?" You ask hesitantly, the feeling in your gut telling you it's not good news.

"Lightspeed tracking." Oh Fuck... You never knew something like that was possible, yet here we are. Hux is going to do the impossible just so he can exterminate the Resistance. What an absolute mad lad. "Honestly, I find your teleportation through the Force way more otherworldly than whatever Hux is planning."

You laugh at his comment. In a moment like this, you didn't expect him to crack a joke. "I am a jack of all trades." 

His ears turn a slight shade of pink darker. If only you could read his mind now. "While in the server room, you might be able to transmit a message to your Resistance 'friends'. Since you can't fly a ship, that might be your best bet." He diverts the conversation back to the topic at hand. 

"Or I could wait until I'm back at full strength." _You weirdo. Why does everything have to be so complicated with you??_

He shakes his head, stopping you in his tracks. He motions you to take cover. "Commander Ren." You hear a couple of stormtroopers greet Ben before moving along their way.

Once they're gone, he gestures you to follow him again. "You can't. If you wait, Snoke will find out. He'll force me to take you to him." 

You already suspected this outcome. When you are out of energy, your Force signature becomes significantly harder to spot. The second you regain enough strength, he'll know. To teleport successfully, you need more than enough. "This is my only shot, then." He doesn't reply. 

Another few hallways passed and you reach the server room. You hide so Ben can clear out all the present technicians by ordering them to leave with the Force. Poor blokes, they probably think he's going to take out his frustration on their workplace. If they even remember this in the first place.

"It's safe." When you hear those words, you appear from your hiding spot. The server room is gigantic. Ben better know what parts to temper with. "Physically destroying them isn't going to do much, you need to break the system on a technical level." 

Well, if you were a technician, this would be easy work too. "And how do I do that?"

You catch him muttering a soft 'Stars' before turning to you. He presents you with a USB drive. "It contains the program you need. Now go, I can't be near you when it's uploaded." You nod in agreement and are left to your devices. For this plan to work, you both need to simulate an unexpected invasion. Kylo Ren being near the infiltrator isn't the best strategy to make it appear real. 

Uploading the program will take about ten minutes, so in the meantime you can search for a communicator to contact the Resistance with. Since you are in a communication room, you find one easily enough. You remember the frequency they operate on and try your hardest to find a good signal. After a couple of tries, you successfully find the one you've been looking for. You tell them Leia's code, hoping they'll take the hint. Their end goes silent for a while, but within minutes you hear noises again from the other side. "This is General Leia Organa, with whom am I speaking?" You instantly recognize her voice.

"Leia, It's me! I'm alive." She utters your name, disbelief in her tone. "Yes, I'm here." You reassure her once more.

"Bless the Stars, you're okay!" You hear a few other familiar voices in the background, also expressing their surprise. "Where are you? Are you alright?" She asks you, sounding worried. 

"Long story short, I'm on the Supremacy. Can anyone come get me?"

It sounds like Leia is ordering someone something before returning to you. "The Millenium Falcon is on its way. I'd say about fifteen minutes until arrival. Will you be fine?"

That motherly tone of hers always makes you feel safe and cared for. "I will. Expect me." You end the transmission. Back at the drive, you only need two more minutes. The peace is interrupted by a pair of all too familiar heavy boots. Ushar, your least favorite Knight. He spots you before you do. 

"Ello Bambi, missed me?" Ugh, you'll never not hate that smug tone of his. Time to put your war face on. 

"Miss you? As much as a Bantha misses its drop load of shit." You sneer at him.

The crackle of a whip deafens whatever noise the servers are making. That same whip he used during 'training', better known as your own personal torture session. "C'mon Ghosty, don't be like that." He points towards the whip he's holding. "Don't you know how to greet an old friend? They missed you, ya know." Like a predator, he stalks towards you. Snapping the weapon for another loud breaking sound. "It misses the taste of your blood and screams." 


	65. Brutal Endeavour

This tension could cut through steel, while his bloodthirsty aura makes you physically sick. Ushar always disgusted you. So proud of torturing his prisoners. If they dare beg, he'll kill them slowly. They fight back, they get a quick death. You can count on one hand how many died quickly by his hand. 

"I'll be honest Ghosty. None of the Knights ever liked ya. We only put up with ya because Master Ren chose you." No engagement just yet. He continues to circle you. "Wanna know why?" Somewhere beneath that mask, he's smirking. He's likely trying to get under your skin. "You reject the Dark Side. But even worse, you distract our Leader from his connection to it. For that-" You see him inching closer, making the distance between you smaller. "You need to be eliminated." As he snaps the whip, you ready your lightsaber for a counter. It's not the whip from your training days though, this one contains a plasma blade around the ends. This weapon is meant to kill. For now, you dodge and search for a spot to get your turn back. Get closer by any means necessary, but not at a cost. 

Not allowing you a second of rest, he heads after you. Coming way too close for comfort a couple of times. Good thing you have metal servers that take the brunt of most of his attacks. "Where you going Ghosty?! Afraid of getting a scar!?" He screams at you, laughing like a maniac. After running away for a solid minute, you reach a more open space. Perfect for more heads on approach. 

You feel the searing pain before you hear its crackling sound. For a second, you lose all feeling in your left arm. It has graced you. "FUCK!" Your scream travels through your clenched teeth, earning you another one of his vexing laughs. 

"Aw, did that hurt Bambi?" He asks you with false concern. "Perhaps you should fight back, or the pain won't stop." 

If he really wanted to kill you in one hit, he'd use his war club. "Don't patronize me. It doesn't suit you, Ushar. I prefer to fight on my own terms." You retort, scanning your surroundings quickly. All or nothing now. 

"Come on, Shadow! Show me what you got!" He yells impatiently, clearly done playing around. Oh, you'll show him what you're made of. You set yourself in a comfortable fighting stance, awaiting his next move. Knowing Ushar, he'll attack you first. The moment you see his hand twitch, you Force-leap forward, knocking the hilt of his whip away with your lightsaber's blunt end. A fast kick to his stomach and you once again have the advantage of distance. Ushar groans from the impact, wonkily regaining his footings. All the while you regain your composure and retain your stance. "Fucking bitch! I'll kill you and parade your cold dead body in front of the entire First Order! That'll undo your precious Ben Solo's struggle with the Light!" 

"Those are big promises Ushar. Care to back them up?" Taunts may fuel his anger, but Ushar is untrained in the Force. This anger won't give him an edge, instead he'll become unbalanced. If his growl is anything to go by, you know your taunt has been successful.

Ready to get serious, he takes out his massive war club. One clear strike from this weapon and it's over. You cannot parry a hit from something that heavy, so you have to strike when he misses. Once again, he strikes first. You don't engage, you observe and dodge where needed. Only on his second attempt do you try to strike. Unfortunately, he saw it coming. His right-hand releases the weapon, and he backhands you. The iron weave vambraces on his black leather gloves almost knocked you out. You hit the ground, the blow making your head spin. Before you can recover, you feel his hand wrap around you troat whilst lifting you in the air. The pressure increases, leaving you unable to breathe properly. In his other hand, he holds his vibromachete. "Not so tough now, are we Bambi?" 

You try everything. Clawing at his arm, kicking his torso, none of it reaches or fazes him. Black spots appear in your field of vision, indicating you are about to pass out. You have to do something and quick. 

You gather your last strength, loading up a Force blast. He goes to slice you, but you react faster. You release the loaded energy, flinging Ushar away from your being. As the pressure disappears, you can finally catch your breath in heaves. That might have been a close one. Slowly you stand up, examining your opponent's state. He just got back to his club. "Ya just don't know when to quit." He states, not necessarily to you. 

So it's not over just yet. Even with all the aches, you ready yourself one final time. This one has to count. "Have I earned your respect?" This time, it's not a taunt. But a question.

He releases a snicker, an amused one. "Yes, you have." This is it, all or nothing. One blow to finish you off is his game. 

You take a deep breath, slowing down everything around you. Grasping the Force dancing around your body, you stand prepared with your lightsaber raised. It all goes in slow-motion, his swing becoming very predictable and easy to react to. You read him like a book. The club comes as an overhead, so a fake deflection can turn it in your favor. Your saber and body twirl along the club-head, angling your blade towards his right arm. With a clean slice, you take it off. 

"AAAARGH!" Ushar clings to his cauterized wound, fallen on his knees. Should you finish him off? Won't the other Knights find out if you do? With a wave of your hand, he falls into a deep slumber. A problem for another day. 

Your fight must have taken a while because the uploaded virus has started to shut down most communication-equipment. As you leave, you grab the drive. That way, nobody can use it as evidence against Ben. Especially Hux. As discussed with Ben, you rush towards the hangar. Mimicking D-day, you spare no stormtroopers standing in your way. Though they have increased manpower since last time. Nothing you can't handle. 

Alarms begin blaring as you arrive at the hangar. No Millenium Falcon yet.

 _Kriff! They're late..._ The sound of dozens of boots reaches your ears. More 'troopers. Guess you need to put up a show. 

Summoning another Force blast, you push away the incoming 'troopers. The once's still standing ready their blasters and shoot at you, the shot deflected back at them by your blade. Once strong again, you blast those away too. The sound of ship boosters catches your attention. As you turn around, you can see Poe waving at you frantically. They're here. You quickly scan the area for incoming attacks, but the ones you just knocked down are still recovering. With a sprint, you run to your friends. Only a hundred meters away, your legs get pulled out from under you. You glance up and spot Ben. Here comes the finale. 

"So you're the one tempering with our devices. I should have expected it." Ben states bluntly, not giving away any emotions. Even without his helmet. If it wasn't for this whole Force-sensitive stuff, he'd be a great actor.

"Well, expect faster next time, won't you." You shoot him a sly wink. He tries to hide it, but the corner of his lips twitch slightly. 

_Behave._ He warns you with his thoughts. You can't help but smirk. 

He ignites his lightsaber, readying for a duel. You follow along. Both of you pretend to fight for a bit, playing off your rivalry as to not arouse suspicion from either side. 

_Parry the next hit, it'll give you an opening to escape._ You do as he proposed, parrying the heavy hit and once he's trying to regain his footings you rush towards the Millenium Falcon. But before you can leap towards it, you get felled by a sharp sting in your mind. You recognize that grip. Snoke. He's closer than both of you expected. 

Ben stares at your agonizing display of pain, unsure what to do. The voices - correction - Snoke's voice booms in his head, telling him to finish her off. _Kill her! Finish your training!_ The same command when he stood before Han Solo before he struck him down. This time though, he won't listen. Ben allows himself to fall upon his knees, mimicking your actions. This gives your allies enough time to haul you on board. 

You are safe. That's what counts. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> inspo song: MitiS f. Anna Yvette - Rust


	66. No-one's Every Really Gone

The further away you get from the Supremacy, the less painful your head feels. Snoke's grip is gone, and you're back with your friends. Poe takes you into an immense hug, so relieved to have you back alive. The others with him, Rey and Finn, also overjoyed with your presence. 

As Poe releases you, he points his finger at you accusingly. "Don't EVER sacrifice your life like that again!! Ever!" 

His emotions hit you deeply, as you shoot him a soft smile. "I'm happy to see you too." You choke up, words coming out in stutters. 

He sighs, taking you back in his arms for a brief hug. "Idiot."

"I never got to thank you." The one named Finn cuts in. "Because of you and the Resistance, I had a chance to get my friend back." 

Rey steps forward. "You also have my gratitude." She bows in respect. 

You give them a bow back in equal respect. Still, there is remaining guilt gnawing in you. Guilt from Ben, about his father. They must have been the last people to see him alive. "Han Solo is dead, isn't he?"

It gets quiet. Rey's expression turns into a sad frown, Finn's looks angry. "Kylo Ren murdered him, in cold blood." He spits out venomously. His tone makes you flinch, but you understand why he feels the way he does. In their eyes, it was a tyrant that killed their friend. You know the truth, however. Ben isn't a deranged killer. Murderers don't feel hollow after they've done the deed. He only did it because Snoke manipulated him into killing his father. There was love, but Snoke blinded him from that love. 

You avert your eyes, not interested in fighting against his statement. They would never see your vision of Ben. You get surprised out of your thought by a warm hand on your shoulder. "Let's not talk about it here. She needs to rest." Poe insists, ending the conversation. He drags you to a comfortable seat. "It won't be long before we arrive, but be warned. You're going to get a lot of attention directed to you." He grins, easing the tension. 

You roll your eyes playfully. "Great... You know how much I enjoy being the center of attention."

"You did it to yourself." Giving you a final wink, he heads back into the cockpit. 

Oh, how you missed his banter.

* * *

Apparently, the Resistance hasn't docked on another planet just yet. Only recently have they been able to shake off the First Order, so it's still too risky to set base again. D'Qar may not be destroyed, but the secret hideout is now not so secret anymore. Neither is that system. For now, they continue on with the limited amount of fuel that's left. 

As you step out of the Millenium Falcon, all eyes fall on you. Their expressions may not say much, but their aura sure does. It doesn't take long before everyone in the hangar swarms you, asking if you're okay, and 'how did you survive', also your favorite 'where have you been'. Poe and the others allow you to have some more breathing room by telling people to let you pass. Right now, you need to see Leia. 

Poe guides you to her private quarters. "She wanted to see you as soon as you were back. Go easy on her, this whole situation has been really stressful." 

You give him a curt nod and enter through the door. Her heads turn to you at the sound of her door opening, relief washes over her. She extends her arms, inviting you for a reunion hug. How can you ever say no to that? Hint, you don't. All of her worries and concerns disappear as you return the hug. You feel her hands combing through your hair. Such a motherly gesture. You wonder if she did the same for Ben. 

"I thought I lost you." Strange, you swear it's directed to someone else. 

"They'd have to shoot me with something way bigger for that to happen." You joke, hoping to ease her worries. 

Immediately, her demeanor changes to that of an angry mother. "You are banned from doing another heroic sacrifice in the near future, you hear me!"

Her tone startles you slightly. "Yes General." 

"Good, good." She turns around and sits on the bed, signaling you to sit down as well. "Now, tell me everything."

No detail spared, you explain your unexpected adventure. Meeting Luke, him helping you heal your burns. The fact that he wishes to let the Jedi Order die with him. That part really pains Leia. Her own brother won't help her. Also how you went on a spiritual journey, meeting this weird Jedi Ghost who showed you the way. For a brief moment, you see her smile at the mention of him. Next, you tell her about the vision you saw in that elusive mirror.

"First, I saw my reflection. When I embedded it with the Force, the reflection changed into Ben. I realized I have to turn him back to the light. Only then can balance be restored." 

Leia is processing what you said. "You think you can bring back my son?" She poses it as a question, but deep down she still holds hope. 

"I can, and I will." You promise her. 

Finally you come to the end of your story. How you learned to teleport through the Force, Ben helping you escape from the Supremacy and so on. The bit about Ben helping you really lifts her spirit. 

"Come with me to the bridge. We'll make an official statement about your return." 

You take her hand in yours, allowing her to pull you up. "Without the many details, right?"

She winks at you. "That is a secret best kept."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And now we move on to The Last Jedi! But different lol.
> 
> Taking a small break from writing, ill be back when I'm back! Need to see one of those movies again for inspiration


	67. Not Dead Yet

It all happened so fast. The announcement of your return, the First Order finding you, Poe and the bombing team facing the dreadnought head-on, the dreadnought destroyed,... So many losses. But in the end, we manage to get away. Or so we thought. The Finalizer and the Supremacy are once again right on our tail. Nobody is able to comprehend how they found us so fast. Then it comes to you. Lightspeed tracking. Ben told you about it.

With this information, Leia knows we can't use our last jump to escape them. We'll be out of fuel. Basically a death sentence.

Before Poe can jump back into his X-wing to distract the TIE fighters who are assaulting us, the hangar gets blown up. Together with Rosetta and Kaiga, you help out tending to the wounded. 

"I need another bacta-patch and antibiotics!" You yell towards the nurses while pressing down on the open wound. Everyone's scrambling around in pure chaos. 

"Heads up!" Someone shouts back, a bacta-patch and syringe land safely in your hands. You put the patch quickly on the wound and administer the antibiotics immediately after. They'll be fine, for now. 

As you rise, you hear Kaiga asking for help. Well, ask is an over-exaggeration. More like a demand. "Can anyone on in this kriffing bay help me out here?!" Ladies and gentlemen, peace herself. 

Spotting her position, you begin marching towards her. "On i-" The entire world goes out of focus, like fog before the eyes. It's him. He's near. Conflict is eating him up. You have to-

An explosion, shaking the entire ship. As you steady yourself and others, you feel Leia's Force-signature growing weaker. Something is wrong. 

You don't know how you got here, but your peripheral vision faces the devastating damage from the attack on the bridge. They're all dead. But not Leia, she's out there. Alive. 

"Anyone?! We need to get to Leia!"

Poe, Finn, and Rey answer to your call, joining you at the emergency valve. 

"What do we do?" Poe asks, clearly stressed out about the whole ordeal. 

There is this thread, coming from her. She's pulling herself forward. You extend your hand and tug her closer. "When she's here, we need to immediately bring her to the emergency medbay. I'm counting on you guys." They nod in understanding. 

It doesn't take long to get Leia back to the safety of the ship, but her condition is severe. The four of you get her into the medbay without much disturbance, letting the doctors take over the care. They assured you she'll make it.

_Keep fighting Leia, we still need you._

* * *

The aftermath is a total mess. We lost almost a hundred allies. We are weakened and with nowhere to run, the First Order right behind us. Waiting for the opportunity to take us out, permanently.

As we mourn our losses, a new General is appointed. Vice-Admiral Holdo. You've met her once. The first thing you noticed about her is the air of grace she carries. Almost the same grace Leia has, yet different. Also, everyone seems to respect her. Except for Poe. Just five minutes after being appointed to her new title and he's already challenging her commands. You love Poe, you really do. But he's also a rash person who acts first and thinks later. With the state the Resistance is in now, we can't afford to be impulsive. 

After finishing their discussion, he storms towards you, dragging you off by the arm. When he finds an empty room, he shoves you inside. 

"Stars, dude?! What got you so wound up?" Perplexed by his actions, you tell him off. 

"Holdo is going to get us all killed." He replies, strangely calm. 

You don't retort. Instead, you observe him quietly. Although he may carry a calm air, you know better. There is a twister of chaos roaming in his mind. If you don't avert his attention, he might do something stupid, or worse, disastrous. "Holdo is an Admiral, she knows what's she's doing. You don't have the same experience in leadership as her." Calmly you explain your view of the matter. Still, Poe isn't having it.

He tuts at your comment while facing you completely. "I worked beside Leia! I know way more about she would do than Holdo ever will!" 

"And yet you still disobeyed her order!" You yell back, silencing his rant. "Think about all the lives here. They come first. I'm sure that's what General Holdo is trying to protect right now." That is no lie. If there is one thing you could feel from her, it's this protective aura. She wants to save the Resistance. 

Yet again, Poe is not convinced, rolling his eyes at you. "Well, I'm not going to sit still. If she won't tell me her plans, I'll make my own."

And there is disastrous. Would you rat out your friend to Holdo though? No, that's not you. Because you know it won't fix anything. The right thing to do is damage control.

You sigh deeply. "Alright, I'm in."

Poe stares at you full with bewilderment. "You are?"

"Only so I can keep an eye on you." You remind him. "If things go south, I will inform Holdo. Do I make myself clear?" 

There it is, that charming smile. You never learned how to see past it. "Deal!" Taking your hand with a big grin, he seals the deal.

"Now, what do you have in mind?" You ask him curiously. 

The smile doesn't fade. "I have no idea."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Still won't be posting regularly, unfortunately. Mental health comes first.


	68. Why Is It Always Us?

One thing led to another, and now we supposedly have a whole team. You, Poe, Finn, Rey, and... Rose? You remember her. Paige's little sister, one of the bombers who died during the attack on the Dreadnought. You know more about Paige than Rose, still you would always see them together. Two peas in a pot. Without seeking it, you sense Rose's grief. She does a good job of hiding it. Not that any of us have the time to go over our emotions when the First Order is threatening the livelihood of the Resistance. 

Rose's dedication is nearly identical to that of her sister, plus she's very knowledgeable. Her, Finn and Rey were able to figure out a step-by-step plan in order to shut down the lightspeed tracker. 

"The First Order is only tracking us from the Supremacy, their lead destroyer." Finn starts of the explanation.

Being the impulsive idiot that he is, Poe shoots his great 'idea'. "So we blow that one up!" If Rey didn't roll her eyes, you would have. 

"No you daft idiot! They'll track us from another destroyer the moment it's gone!" She retorts, clearly not impressed by that idea.

Finn continues. "But if we sneak on board and disable the main tracker-"

"They won't realize it's off for one system cycle, which gives us six minutes." Rose cuts in. 

"So..." You chime in confused. 

"Sneak on board. Disable the tracker. Our fleet jumps to lightspeed." He lists it.

"And the Resistance is safe." You finish. It sounds solid enough so far.

Poe stands up slowly and heads over to Leia's resting body, thinking it over. Yet you already know his answer. Every spark of hope, he'll latch onto. "Alright, I'll stay here to jump us to lightspeed."

"I'll help you." Rey offers. Poe gives her a nod in agreement.

He points at you, Finn and Rose. "You three will shut down the tracker from within." There is only one thing holding us back though. Security shields. The only way to get through undetected is out of our hands. We need a different approach. Someone who can bypass the security. Our thoughts immediately go to Maz. During our contact, we learn she's unable to assist us. However she offers us a decent replacement. A codebreaker located in a casino in Canto Bight. That will have to be your first stop. 

"Since you don't want to involve Holdo in any way, how are we going to get past the radar when we take off?" You question Poe, arms crossed while walking towards the hangar. 

He doesn't answer you immediately. "I'll figure something out."

 _You better!_ You scream mentally into the void. Usually Poe is methodical, yet lately he's been more reckless. What fear can do to a man driven into a corner. 


	69. Believe Me

You don't know how he did it, but 1/3 of the bridge crew is ready to help us out whenever we might need it. If Poe didn't have these charms of his, you wonder how far he actually would have made it. These people skills really make him stand out after all. 

You told Rosetta about your plans, so of course she'd help you cover-up the undercover mission. That's what friends do, help you do shady stuff behind your boss's back. Now the hangar, there isn't much left of it. Most workers present are busy cleaning or repairing the mess. Perfect time to 'borrow' a small cruiser without anyone noticing. Since Rose is a ship technician, she knows which cruiser to pick. Neither Finn nor you are pilots, so she's also the designated flyer. 

While they go to work on getting it started, the Force decides this is the right time to have a talk with your other half. Something you haven't been looking forward to. Ben had been involved in the attack on the hangar killing half our flight crew, as well as the shot on our bridge where his mother was present. He almost killed Leia. So yes, you are angry. 

"Are you busy?" He says, surveying around you in hopes of getting a glimpse inside your daily life. 

You let out a deep sigh. "Hey guys, I'm stepping outside for a bit. Tell me when we're leaving." Unseen by your friends, you signal Ben to follow you. Once you find a quiet spot, you turn to him with fury filled eyes. "Why did you do it!?"

"We both know I can't control these visits..." Oblivious by the meaning of your question, he replies. 

"Not that." You point out. "I'm talking about destroying our hangar and bridge! I felt you, so don't you dare deny it."

The corner of his mouth twitches slightly from your accusing tone. "I was following orders, I didn't make them."

Following orders, always the same excuses. "Remember the number of people I escaped with before I joined the Resistance? There were seven of them. Only two are alive today." Your heart sinks uttering those words. Chavdri, Dand, both fell in the hangar attack. "Your own mother stood face to face with death."

A pang of guilt flashes on his face. "How... How is she?"

"They put her in a coma so she'd heal faster. It was a close call." You answer truthfully. Yes, you are angry, but it's still his mother you're talking about. Deep down, he'll always love her. 

He wants to say something back but stops himself a couple of times. "The destruction of your hangar is my fault. But the bridge, it wasn't me." He tells you carefully. His memories slip into your head, confirming his defense. It wasn't him. He stopped. 

Before you can say anything else, Finn calls you. Must be time to go. 

One more time you look him in the eyes, searching for that spark you love so much. It doesn't take long for you to find it. "I know."

You run back inside. Rose is already seated in the piloting chair. "We only need Poe's signal and we're good to go." Finn explains. After about three minutes, we hear the signal. 

"Canto Bight..." Rose sighs heavily. You frown. There is a sign of distress radiating off of her. Has she been there before?

Guess you'll figure that out soon.


	70. Canto Bight, Not So Bright

As guaranteed by Poe, we leave the main ship without any problems. Our cover seems to have worked out. Now for the next part. Destination: Cantonica. 

You've felt it before and it hasn't left the room just yet. A constant stream of anxiety waving off of Rose. Based on the circumstances, it could be from anything. But the closer we get to Cantonica, the heavier it feels. If she wasn't having a private conversation with Finn, you'd probably ask her what's wrong. 

After finishing up, Finn heads towards you. "At this speed, we'll likely reach Canto Bight in about two hours. So if you need to do some... Jedi stuff now's the time."

A small chuckle leaves you. "Not a Jedi, but thanks for informing me." Your eyes wander back to Rose for a second. "Everything okay with Rose?" You ask uncertainly. 

Finn's head tilts slightly at your question. "What do you mean?"

So he hasn't noticed. "You know, she just lost her sister and is going on her first mission off base. Must be a very stressful time for her..."

It's like you told him something he already knows since he doesn't react surprised. "Yeah, but she's keeping herself strong. This mission is important to her. The fate of the Resistance depends on it after all." _If only I was as dedicated as her..._ A passing thought from Finn enters your mind. Based on the tone, he seems to really admire her. 

You nod softly. "Well, I'm going to get my Jedi on. Call me when we're there." Jokingly, you wink. His laugh fills the room as you head to a quiet spot. 

* * *

The hours pass by quickly in your meditative state and soon you have Finn tapping your shoulder to quietly wake you. 

"We'll be getting out of hyperspace soon." He softly informs you.

You stretch out and stand up, following him back to your seat. 

"Everyone seated?" Rose asks. Both you and Finn nod in reply. "Welcome to Cantonica." Said planet comes into view. You didn't expect to see a desert planet.

"Are we really in the right place?" You question hesitantly. Seconds later, a body of water appears. 

"Yep. See that coastal city by the shores? That's Canto Bight. It's filled with the most terrible people alive." Rose points out. 

"Huh..." Is the only reply you can muster. You expected something more... Shiny. Nothing can top Coruscant so far. It still remains the shiniest city of them all. 

Rose lands us on a dark spot along the shore, not too far from our target destination, the casino. We get stopped by a guy telling us we can't park here. You assure him your only here for a short time, but he storms off angry. Something tells you to go after him, but Finn stops you and gestures you to hurry along. You hope this won't bite you in the ass.

Within minutes we arrive in the main attraction of this desert planet. The famous Cantonica casino. All the powerful and richest people in the galaxy gather here at the high stakes table to waste their money for entertainment. What else would you do with all that disposable income anyway? Not in the mood to deal with rich people's thoughts, you close off your mind momentarily. The icky feeling floating in this building is already enough to deal with. 

For some reason, Finn is in awe of this place. You can't really blame him. Stormtroopers usually only see war and death, never something filled with entertainment and fun. Rose on the other hand is feeling mighty uncomfortable. She gathers us together for a second. "Maz said this codebreaker would have a red plom bloom on his lapel. Let's find him and get out of here." After that, the three of you split up to cover more ground. So that's what you do, carefully walk around searching for this elusive master codebreaker. A dozen minutes pass by and out of nowhere, the ground begins to shake. You are only temporarily alarmed, as no one else pays it any mind. You scan the area for Rose and Finn, but they are nowhere to be seen. 

Being free of annoying minds can only last so long. You have to find your friends. As you open up, you cannot sense their conscious mind. They must be knocked out. But why? If you ever want to find them, they have to be awake. Perhaps you could search for them while on the ship? 

_How hard could it be to fly a tiny cruiser?_ you mentally convince yourself. 

Just your luck, your ship is surrounded by law enforcement. Must be why your friends are gone. 

Like the assassin you used to be, you catch one of the officers. " **You will tell me where my allies are**." You command him.

"They were locked away in our underground prison, but they managed to escape." That is all the information you need. 

You rush to the supposed underground prison, desperately scanning for their signature. During your invasion, you take down any guard that crosses your path. In the prison area are a lot more of them together in groups, which takes you more effort to not deal a killing blow against them. Once again you stumble across yet another group, again forcing you to deal with them. 

you knock out the last guy, slowly catching your breath. The sound of someone stopping in their tracks catches you off guard. It's a man. A dirty looking man. Probably a prisoner.

"D-d-did you do this?" He asks you, his stutter obvious. 

Maybe he could help you. "Did you see a girl and a guy wearing Resistance jackets by any chance?"

"P-p-p-perhaps."

Okay, so that's how this guy plays. "What do you want?"

It looks like you are speaking his language. "If y-y-you get me out of here, I'll help you f-find them."

They could be anywhere. There is no time to hesitate. "Deal."


	71. DJ the Thief-slash-Codebreaker

Must be your lucky day. This guy is something else. Not only can he steal a ship without any problems, but he can also make them work on a fly. At first glance, he only seemed just a simple prisoner, but perhaps you misjudged him. To soothe your curiosity, you opt to just ask him. "You must be a great thief or something." You note as he is working his magic on the wiring. For a second he looks back with a blank expression. "Not that I'm judging..." You add in an apologizing tone. 

"Y-y-you're right about that. Also, your f-f-friends talked about looking for a codebreaker. If the position's open, I c-could do that too." He explains, a confident grin settling on his features. 

So this guy who you met only minutes ago is basically the total package of what you need to succeed in your plan. Convenient. Maybe a bit too convenient. "But not for free, I assume?"

"I do anything, for the right p-p-price. Me and the First Order codeage go way back." As he finishes the sentence, the control panel flashes on. "Your call." He offers as he takes a seat while facing you. 

Crossing your arms, you squint at him. Could you really trust him? What if he's working for the First Order? For your own safety, you grip on his mind to read his thought. He visibly flinches at your action. You search and search, but find no signs of alignment to any particular side in the war. This could work to your advantage and to your disadvantage. Yet he is the only available codebreaker you have. 

"You got yourself another deal. Name your price and the Resistance shall deliver." As you let you of his mind, he immediately reaches to his forehead.

'D-did you have to make it s-s-so painful?" 

Playfully, you shoot him a half-smile. "Just add it to the invoice."

* * *

Following the obvious chaos and destruction all over Canto Bight, you and DJ find Rose and Finn still running away from the authorities. They are cornered on a cliff, perfect spot for both of you to pick them up. 

The ship lights get their attention and you open the ladder. "Finn! Rose! Over here!" You wave at them to jump. 

"How are you flying that thing?!" Finn yells back. 

In response you roll your eyes. "Just jump! I'll explain later when we're safe and outta here!"

Rescue mission, success. Now into hyperspace and we're on our way again.

"What do we do now? We don't have our codebreaker to help us onto the Supremacy and there is no way we can do it ourselves." Rose asks desperately as you head to the pilot seat. 

"Well..." You begin, making DJ turn around his seat. "I already got that covered." He rises up to allow Rose to take over, which she hesitantly does. 

Her attention doesn't waver from DJ. "You can actually do this, right?"

"Yeah. About that..." 

_Wait._ Rose, Finn, and you are all glaring at him in synchronization. "You didn't lie to me, did you?" The tone you carry has a threatening undertone. 

Not shaken at all, he sips at his coffee. Where he got that from, you have no idea. "Guys, I can do it. But there exists a pre-"do it" conversation about price.

"I told you, once this is done I'll have the Resistance pay you whatever you want." You remind him, staring at him wearily. 

He tuts. "What you got deposit-wise?" His eyes fall on Rose's necklace. "Is that Haysian smelt? That's something." 

Now he's going too far. You know what the necklace means to Rose. Before you can speak up, Finn takes on DJ. "No, we gave you our word. You're gonna get paid. That should be enough."

He dismisses him with a wave. "Guys, I wanna keep helping. But no something, n-no doing."

This riles up Finn even further. "Okay, listen here, you've got-"

Out of nowhere, Rose throws DJ her necklace. "Do it." Without a second glance, she goes back to her previous position. Finn and you are both perplexed by this action. However you can see why she'd do this. The Resistance is her life, her sister died for it. There is no doubt in your mind that Rose wouldn't do the same. 

"Now I can help." DJ expresses before wandering off. Finn follows him and leaves you and Rose by yourselves. You sorta want to ask if she's okay, but the determination radiating off of her says enough. There are more important matters than earthly possession after all. 

"Thank you, Rose." You sincerely tell her. In response, you see her giving you the bravest smile.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry you had to wait so long for such a short chapter once again. But no worries, Kylo will return soon!!!


	72. And It All Falls Apart

We arrive at the Supremacy. Immediately, you conceal your presence in the Force, though you can still access it when needed. While you do that, Finn and Rose contact Poe, and DJ starts working his magic. "Cloaking our approach. We should be off their scopes. Then we slice a slit into their shields, and slip right through." 

The landing space he hacked us into seems devoid of First Order personnel. Lucky for us, pretty close to the laundry room. Rose, DJ, and Finn begin changing their clothes in favor of the First Order uniforms as a way to disguise themselves. You want to follow suit until a memory about Ben resurfaces. 

_I need more time before I can face him._ Back then you didn't understand what he meant. But all of a sudden, it becomes crystal clear. It is part of your destiny you have to share together. For what reason, you aren't sure just yet. Soon, you will. 

"I have to do something, alone. You guys handle the tracker." As you turn to leave, Finn interrupts your stride away by calling to you.

"What do you mean you have to do this alone?"

 _Oh, you know. Help out my idiot other half so he doesn't get himself killed._ "No time to explain. If something goes wrong, leave without me." Ignoring their calls, you run off into the empty landing space. Slowly you gather your power, visualizing your target destination in your mind. 

After a quick blink, you see Ben, staring into the void of space. The room open and empty, filled with only his and your presence. His mind is in disarray, but he appears to be cleansing the intrusive thoughts. Preparing himself for what is to come. 

"I suppose saying 'surprise' isn't the correct term for this situation." You jokingly make your presence aware. 

He doesn't turn to face you. "I knew you'd come." He replies, barely any emotion in his voice.

Like you acknowledged before, he is preparing himself. "Is it time?" You ask, already knowing the answer.

"Soon."

The speakers sound off, informing the crew about the break-in of your allies. They've been found. Without a second thought you make a run towards your friends's energies. You don't get far, for a Force is restraining your entire body. "Ben?" The name barely leaves your throat. 

The sound of his steps disappears right behind you. He takes your frozen arms and puts them into cuffs. "Now, it is time."


	73. Showdown

You've dreaded walking this road for so long. And now that you are here, the dread isn't showing up as you expected. At this exact moment, your mind is silent, your ears are ringing, both hands are tingling. Destiny wants you to face Snoke. Right here, right now. Fortunately, with Ben by your side. Even with the sudden restrainment, you know it's all an act. Snoke having the power to see through every person's mind is a real threat to both of you. One minor mistake and the plan will be exposed. So, this is it. 

The elevator ride is in pure silence. Tensions are running high. Ben definitely feels it too. He may be able to fool everyone else, but not you. The luxury of your bond allows you to sense even the deeply buried emotions he carries. 

As the elevation comes to hold, your breath catches in your throat. Their mechanical door opens, allowing you to view a familiar red throne room. One you wish you'd never have to set eyes upon ever again. Ben grabs your arms, pushing you into Snoke's lair hardhanded. You observe your surroundings as Snoke compliments your other half for your successful capture. Within the room are the eight knights who guard Snoke, all Force-sensitive beings, and experts of their respective weapon. An added threat to overcome. 

"My dear Ghost." Snoke's booming voice startles you, forcing your undivided attention on him. "Welcome back." Chills run down your spine as a dangerous smile rests on his features. 

Your cuffs beep, signaling they are opened. _How arrogant._ You think to yourself. _He doesn't even see me as a threat._ Immediately you feel a sting in your brain. He hears you. 

But instead of taunting, he beckons you to approach him. "Come closer, my dear." You show no implication of following his request. He laughs at your stubbornness. "Closer, I said." Dark tendrils wrap around your body, restricting you. They pull you forward to come face to face with your abuser and tormentor. You try so hard to not let fear come over you, but nightmares of the past are driven into your thoughts. Making your features drop. It seems to amuse him. "I had warned my young apprentice he had to train you with a steady hand. Yet his sentiment towards you made him forget, allowing you to betray us." There is a sternness in his tone, one all too familiar to you. There is no doubt in your mind that Ben must have endured terrible discipline for all his 'failures'. 

Snoke's stern eyes revert back to an amused look. He inches closer. "Today, my worthy apprentice can correct his mistake. After I extract Skywalker's location from your mind, I'll have Kylo Ren take you out first. Skywalker will be next. The Resistance is being exterminated as we speak. With all these obstacles gone, nothing will stop the domination of the First Order in the galaxy." Out of his deformed mouth sounds a horrifying laugh, filling up the room with it. 

You won't let him have his moment. He doesn't deserve to feel this inkling of victory. "When Kylo Ren captured me-" It goes deadly quiet as you speak up. "I thought he was a monster." You lift your eyes to Snoke's, locking your stare. "The epitome of evil in this war. All I wanted, was to kill him and free the galaxy of this calamity." For a second, you can sense shame from Ben. Time to show him how you truly feel. "But the longer I was by his side, I began to see how wrong I was. He wasn't the monster... His creator is." Fire starts to burn inside of you, fueled with hate and anger. "The true monster is right in front of me, and this time I will slay it." You promise Snoke, seething with scorn.

Your speech doesn't please him in the slightest. "We shall see about that." 

Without using his limb, he lifts your restrained body in the air before him. There is soft prying, testing the limits of your erected barriers. You aren't the same person from when you escaped though, you have become stronger. It won't be easy to break down. Snoke notices this, lifting his arm your way. The prying turns into digging. Pain becomes inevitable. 

You can't budge, you won't budge. Every bone in your body screams to hold on, to fight. 

From his kneeling position, Ben is observing everything that happens in front of him. He can't be rash. One mistake and he'll lose you. So he waits. There is no doubt in his mind that you can hold on and drain him of his power, leaving Snoke vulnerable. 

So he waits. Even with all your pained grunts and screams, he waits.

He can't fail you.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> inspo song: Katy Perry - Rise


	74. End of the Line

This fight seems to last for a lifetime. Neither side is budging and the strain has become a dull pain. How desperately you want to just give in, to put an end to the suffering. Yet you hold on, for Ben. This is his and your only chance. 

Reason takes over once more, and your fight continues. It doesn't matter how deep Snoke buries his tendrils, you'll never let him through. 

Finally, he shows a hint of exhaustion. You can sense it. His grip is loosening. Through your bond, Ben can feel it too. A Force wraps around your lightsaber still hanging on your belt. Stealthily and without showing any movement on his body, Ben moves your saber from your belt towards Snoke's head. Once the hilt is an inch away from his neck, he stops the movement and waits with anticipation. 

One push is all it takes for Snoke's grip to disappear from your mind, his pressure finally gone. 

With the flick of his finger, Ben ignites your blade. A gurgling sound fills the room as your body drops heavily on the floor. You feel drained, your head feels like a giant rock. Yet the horrifying gasping sound pulls your attention to the situation in front of you. With tired eyes you look forward, viewing how Snoke chokes on your lightsaber. Another flick of Ben's finger decapitates the Supreme Leader, guiding your weapon back to you. As the guards become aware of what happened, he rushes to your side to help you stand. 

"Can you fight?" While quickly examining the enemies, he asks with urgency. 

You follow his actions, readying yourself for battle. "Do you even know who you're asking?" You retort with a half-smile. 

This makes him chuckle. "How could I forget?" His back collides against yours as the guards surround you, weapons ready to strike. 

Calmly, you examine your position. Eight Force-sensitive guards, heavily armored and highly trained. In slow-motion, their weapons light up. As you put yourself in a fighting stance, you and Ben gather the Force around you. The buzzing sound of Ben's lightsaber springs forth in the background. 

Time to dance.

Striking you with full force, you push your attackers off using Ben's body against yours. The three that recover come back around, but your swift movement allows you to parry them all and strike one behind you. Everything is coming at you at once, so you have no time to check if you killed them. Ben seems to be taking two head-on, using his brute strength to overwhelm them. You can handle four on one, if you have enough space. While leaping backward, you detach your glave and throw it at an enemy closest to Ben, bringing them off balance. One guard holding a spear charges towards you. Evading perfectly, you can easily stab him in the neck. Before you can take out your blade, another rushes at you. Using the body of your previous victim, you defend yourself from their blow. But the combined weight almost pushes you to the ground. You recover quickly, however, freeing your blade and catching your returning glave. With another throw you bring down another enemy near Ben, giving him an edge on his side. He kills the downed guard, two enemies left that are on him. Same for you. A dual wielder and a sword wielder.

With this tiny amount of time to go back into your stance, you view the fire dancing around in the throne room. Bringing your attention back to your opponents, you watch the dual wielder charging at you. Using the Force, you push them back, giving you a one on one fight with the sword wielder. You quickly see it isn't a normal sword, because individual blade are held together why some fiber technology. Giving the blade more possibility for unpredictable motion. Never having encountered a fighter like this, you have a hard time finding an edge. Noticing your hesitation, your attacker wraps his weapon around your blade and immobilizing your swing. They arch closer and closer, pointing the sharp edge towards your neck. As you feel the blade on your skin, you make a sharp turn, throwing off the weapon into the distance and decapitating your attacker.

One left for you. 

They slowly stalk forward, allowing you some time to breathe. That's when you feel the terrible exhaustion and weakness of your body. Perhaps you can take them down in one strike.

Like a blaster bolt, you shoot forward aiming to kill. But it's of no use, they saw it coming. Without any effort, they parry your attack and grab your arm into an immobilizing hold. Desperately you try to escape. 

Ben seems to be in the same situation, his attacker has their spear constricting his airflow. You have to help him. 

In a moment of clarity, you view an opening. Leaving no doubt, you take it, beheading your final opponent and freeing yourself. "Ben!" You throw Skywalker's lightsaber by instinct in hopes to aid him. Luckily he's able to catch it and finish off the last guard. 

Finally, you can both breathe. 

You are free.


	75. Where Do We Go From Here?

A fire rages in the throne room, swallowing everything it touches. Its embers fall onto the ground, simmering their final light. And then there is you, and there is Ben.

There is a mixture of emotions storming inside of you. Relief, satisfaction, anxiety, all at the same time. Your whole body is shaking. 

It's done. It's over.

Ben appears just as stunned as your, in disbelieve of our current victory. His oppressor, his manipulator, his handler, finally gone. Nobody has him wrapped in strings any longer. Shutting off Skywalker's lightsaber, he places it on his belt. His feet take him in front of the throne where Snoke's dead body still sits headless. Instead of joining him, your attention falls towards a computer showing the Resistance ships being shot down by the Supremacy and TIE fighters. They are in desperate need.

"We have to help them..." You whisper under your breath as you turn to face Ben, who still stares forward. "We can still save the fleet! You have to order them to stop firing!"

No answer. Not even a look back. He seems completely unfocused. 

"Ben?" You call him softly. Something feels off. 

He takes a deep breath before answering you. "It's time to let old things die." These words make your heart sink. Familiarity. _It's time to let old things die._ Those same words Luke Skywalker once told you. "Snoke, Skywalker, ... The Sith, the Jedi, the Rebels. Let it all die." As he turns towards you and calls your name, he extends his hand. "Join me. We can rule together and bring a new order to the galaxy."

With Snoke dead, you thought Ben would be freed from his quest for power. To be like his grandfather. "Don't." As you back off, you shake your head. Eyes locked in his. 

"We'll abolish Snoke's will and use the Order for a better purpose. Nobody could get in our way." He desperately tries to explain his view. But you know, it is the darkness inside him feeding him these words. 

"All the pain and suffering that happened. It'll never be redeemed." 

His frustration is welling up. "No, no. You're still holding on! Let go!" The yelling startles you. It isn't Ben that's scaring you though, it is the Dark side wrapped inside him. Almost immediately, his posture changes. Taking a more casual approach. "Remember why I took you under my wing? Your soul spoke to me, as did your dream."

_I want to be a hero, the one you read about in storybooks._

He nods. "This is our chance. I will complete my destiny, and with you by my side, we will bring order and peace to the galaxy." Once again he reaches out. "Join me." You slowly shut your eyes and furrow your eyebrows. How did it all go so wrong, so fast? "Please..." The pained whisper makes you snap your gaze back to his. 

The two of you are a dyad, two souls meant to be whole. One struggles between light and dark, the other balanced. They can't be together as long as one part remains unbalanced. 

"I wish I could take your hand, Ben. I wish I believed your words. But this is not the way." You carefully explain. "You say we should let old things die. I fully agree. But in order to start something new, all of it must end first. Not by force. With hope." Slowly you inch forward, attentively reading Ben as he takes in your argument. "Let go of the dark. Be with me."

Placing your fingers carefully on both his cheeks, you feel him sharply breathe in. His eyes scream longing. The same longing you feel inside. Both of you are captivated by each other. He knows what he has to do.

Underneath all that love, there is shame, grief, regret, uncertainty. The things he's done haunting him in his core. _They will never forgive me..._

It saddens you deeply, the hurt he's keeping bottled up. "I forgive you." You show him a conversation you had with Leia on Coruscant, about him. _I'd give anything to set things right with Ben, but I can't change the past. Only keep hope for the future._

His whole body tenses up. He needed to hear this. "I know what I have to do, but I don't know if I have the strength to do it"

Softly you rub his cheeks with your fingers, comforting him. "You do."

Calmly, he reaches for his lightsaber. You give him space as he holds it in front of you, never leaving your gaze. He mentions your name, the tone of his voice relieved but sad. "I know." You acknowledge, giving him your warmest smile.

He throws it away into the fire, letting his past melt away. Finally killing Kylo Ren for good. 

Suddenly you hear a voice. It looks like Ben hears it too. It's the Skywalker lightsaber calling out to Ben. He looks back to you. "How did you get this?"

"Kashyyyk, during a mission. It wanted me to reunite it with its rightful master." You shoot him another smile. "Perhaps it has chosen you."

He looks at you in disbelieve. "But why? I have forsaken my grandfather's legacy."

"Or maybe you have found the true one?" You question him with a grin.

He laughs, something you dearly missed. "With you, it's always the true one."

* * *

As a team, you and Ben are able to escape the Supremacy with ease, reuniting with the Resistance. Everyone reacted with disdain at the sight of Ben. Until Leia approaches him and quickly takes him into her arms. After a tense second, he returns the hug. Happy to be accepted by his mother. 

With Snoke dead, the First Order had no leader. They decided to retreat, for now... With the havoc you and Ben caused, and of course your allies, they'd have to gather their resources if they wanted to start a war. The moment they have a new leader, they'll be back.

And we'll be ready for them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter is the end. I'll make a note why I'm ending it so soon.


	76. The Era of Peace

A small ray of sunshine settles on your eyelid, forcing you out of your dreams. Not giving in to nature's calls, you bury your head into Ben's side with a grunt. He stifles the quiet morning with a laugh. "Five more minutes?" He asks softly while stroking your hair. You nod against his naked chest. "Alright, just five."

It has been more than two years after Snoke's demise. Although the First Order has weakened, it still thrives. But so does the Resistance. They continue to track them down and end their reign on conquered planets, one by one. Slowly, but surely, peace returns to the galaxy.

You and Ben? Both of you go wherever the Force leads you towards, scouring the galaxy on the Millennium Falcon for beings that need your help. 

"Five minutes have passed." Ben reminds you. Gripping him tightly, you shake your head. He calls your name with fake disappointment. 

"I'll get up... But only if you give me a good morning kiss." You ask sheepishly, staring at him with your best puppy eyes. 

A gentle smile rests on his features. He leans forward, placing his soft lips on yours. To many, it may look like a simple kiss. But for you, it feels heavenly. It makes you feel whole. 

He retreats slowly as if he doesn't want to stop either. "Get ready, we leave in 15." Getting up from the makeshift bed, he warns sternly. Or tries to sound stern. He ain't fooling you with that grin of his.

You find your clothes and tread outside of your shared tent. Doing your daily morning stretch, you observe the open fields before you. Chandrila truly is beautiful. No wonder Leia brought Ben into this world over here. 

"Can you clean up the equipment? There's this issue in the cockpit, I can't get it to work." He sighs with a hint of frustration.

Each time you see him in his knight outfit, you have to take a double look. _Why is this man so stunning?!_ He clears his throat, forcing you to face him. A pink sheen shows on his cheeks. His innocent reactions always fill your heart. "I got it, Ben. Focus on the issue so we can leave on schedule." 

In no time he fixes the issues and you finish packing up. You see him waiting on the ramp. "Ready?" You ask coyly.

"With you by my side, always."

* * *

* * *

* * *

**Creator note**

So here it is, the end. I started writing this fanfiction during a heavy period in my life. The story came from a daydream I developed after watching The Last Jedi. I loved Kylo Ren so much in that movie, which resulted in me getting a crush on the character (You know, like a normal person ;) ). 

In all honesty, I had so much more planned for this story which takes place in movie 3. Battle on Crait, Ren becoming the new FO leader, etc. Like actual lore about Reader's white lightsaber, making her a dual wielder/staff user inspired by the game: Jedi Fallen Order. But unfortunately, my motivation to write diminished so severely that I barely wrote. It would have killed me if I didn't finish this story. Luckily I was at a point where I could possibly make a good stopping point. I finish my story with relief in my heart, but also pain. I could have shared a way more expansive story, but my depression is keeping me from continuing. 

All in all, I hope you find this ending satisfying! And I can't thank you guys enough for taking the time to read my story! It means a lot that many of you enjoyed it! <3

Interested in knowing about the lore and overall theme of that I planned to tell? Ask about it in the comments and I'll give you a way to contact me!

Lots of love,

CeCeDot

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> https://imgur.com/spfJ67B Ben's new outfit ;)


End file.
